I took a pregnancy test this morning. It was negative. This means two things. 1) I will be getting my period in the next day or two, 2) I will be miserable, since I can't take strong painkillers as my surgery is only 6 days out.
This is not helping my negativity from the last few days. It does seem a little bit hopeless. I'm heading up to the mountains this afternoon to spend the next four days with friends, all of whom have children. Luckily, children don't really bother me the way pregnant women do (and I'm hoping against hope that none of my friends who I haven't seen in a while have a surprise pregnancy announcement to make when we arrive - I might have to cry). Children are cute and say hilarious things and make me laugh. Pregnant women, on the other hand, are just symbols of my failure.
And I got yelled at at work today. and almost cried. I need more time off. I think I'm getting depressed.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Conflicting thoughts
The Christmas and Hanukkah season is over. New Year's is almost here. I'm feeling... well, I'm feeling a bit numb. And a bit disappointed. I'm disappointed that my husband had no idea for what to get me for Christmas. I'm disappointed that we had 4 days off from work (I had 5!) and got nothing done on the house, which does not bode well for what we'll be able to accomplish on regular two-day weekends.
I guess I'm just feeling defeated today. I think it may be PMS. I've almost burst out crying a few times over NOTHING.
I guess I'm just feeling defeated today. I think it may be PMS. I've almost burst out crying a few times over NOTHING.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
The best part about ovulating
I don't have to hold my pee all afternoon. It's awesome. Also, if I want water or tea, I can just have it without worrying about how long until I get to pee again (especially since I wasn't supposed to have anything for two hours before the test, which meant I had to hold everything for AT LEAST two hours).
My pre-op appointment was moved from today to Friday. I was really hoping to talk to the doctor today, to see how necessary this surgery really is, since we're having some serious financial issues right now. My first surgery is costing more than we originally planned (something like $1400). My next surgery will probably be similar. Our roof repair was $385. Our emergency vet bill was $435. We really need a new roof. Our car is having some major issues and I'm terrified to take it to a mechanic to see what's wrong, especially since we just bought new tires. I hate the idea of having to choose between a roof and/or a car that runs and having a baby. I'm really overwhelmed with finances right now. And I really don't want to have surgery. But I also want to do what's best for me.
My pre-op appointment was moved from today to Friday. I was really hoping to talk to the doctor today, to see how necessary this surgery really is, since we're having some serious financial issues right now. My first surgery is costing more than we originally planned (something like $1400). My next surgery will probably be similar. Our roof repair was $385. Our emergency vet bill was $435. We really need a new roof. Our car is having some major issues and I'm terrified to take it to a mechanic to see what's wrong, especially since we just bought new tires. I hate the idea of having to choose between a roof and/or a car that runs and having a baby. I'm really overwhelmed with finances right now. And I really don't want to have surgery. But I also want to do what's best for me.
Monday, December 22, 2014
So my husband doesn't get it
I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to explain to my husband how fertility works so that he'll understand. To be honest, before we started having problems ourselves, I just assumed that two people love each other, have sex, and then 9 months later a baby is born! OK, I also know that women ovulate once a month, and unfertilized eggs end up causing PMS, cramps, and bleeding. I had no idea of any of the mechanics, such as what follicles are and how many you start with (or don't, as the case may be), that you need to have sex BEFORE ovulation, that fertilized eggs don't implant immediately, etc. I could go on and on and on about what I didn't know then (and mostly know now, but then I read about what other couples are doing in terms of meds and IUI and IVF, and I realize how little I still know).
Anyway, after my positive test on Thursday, my husband and I did it that night and the following night, just for good measure. I thought he was pretty clear on the fact that it's important to have sex before ovulation. I figured if he didn't know anything else, he at least knew that. HAHAHAHAHA. I was soooooo wrong. We went to a family party on Saturday night, stayed out way too late, and were super tired by the time we got home. I was sober, as I was the driver and also hoping that my little egg(s) had fertilized, but D was pretty tipsy. We got in bed and he told me that he was trying not to drink too much so that we'd be able to do it again that night in hopes of fertilization. I just had to shake my head and try to explain to him AGAIN that it was probably too late, and if anything was going to happen, it had probably already happened and all we could do now was wait.
He tries so hard to understand, but he just never gets it.
Anyway, after my positive test on Thursday, my husband and I did it that night and the following night, just for good measure. I thought he was pretty clear on the fact that it's important to have sex before ovulation. I figured if he didn't know anything else, he at least knew that. HAHAHAHAHA. I was soooooo wrong. We went to a family party on Saturday night, stayed out way too late, and were super tired by the time we got home. I was sober, as I was the driver and also hoping that my little egg(s) had fertilized, but D was pretty tipsy. We got in bed and he told me that he was trying not to drink too much so that we'd be able to do it again that night in hopes of fertilization. I just had to shake my head and try to explain to him AGAIN that it was probably too late, and if anything was going to happen, it had probably already happened and all we could do now was wait.
He tries so hard to understand, but he just never gets it.
Friday, December 19, 2014
I can't really believe it
I started testing for ovulation on Monday (CD 12). Yesterday (CD 15), I got this:
I've never seen a positive before! Actually, I probably have, but I didn't realize it with the cheaper tests I had been using. My doctor was right, getting the clear blue digital tests was worth it (and not that much more expensive on Amazon, actually). I was beginning to suspect that I was annovulatory, and I had even started researching it yesterday online. I know a positive OPK doesn't necessarily mean ovulation will occur, but I'm trying to be positive. I believe this is likely my first real ovulation since the surgery, and I'm kind of feeling hopeful. I'm really hoping it happens this time around, partly because if it doesn't, I'll be getting my period right at New Year's, when I will be up in the mountains attempting to enjoy snow sports (which I will absolutely enjoy, although my period will make them less enjoyable).
Anyway! I guess that means I'm officially entering the two-week-wait right now? Or in another day or two? And that my luteal phase isn't ridiculously short, and the very first doctor I saw about this (who was a resident) was completely wrong when she looked at my BBT charts and told me I ovulate on CD 25. I have been trying to cut back on alcohol, but I will probably have a few glasses of wine over Christmas. And if I'm going to get my period, I would prefer to get it on New Year's Eve so that I'll know if I can drink champagne to my heart's content that evening.
Oh, speaking of knowing things... I need to have bloodwork done 2-7 days before my surgery, and the bloodwork includes a pregnancy test. That means I can get it done as early as December 30th, which will be 12 days after my positive OPK. Is that too early for a pregnancy to show up? Otherwise, I would probably have to wait until January 4th, which means I could possibly be drinking on New Year's Eve while unknowingly pregnant, although I could maybe squeeze in a trip to the lab on the 31st before we leave for the mountains. I could do a HPT on the 30th and then try to decide what to do. Thoughts anyone?
I've never seen a positive before! Actually, I probably have, but I didn't realize it with the cheaper tests I had been using. My doctor was right, getting the clear blue digital tests was worth it (and not that much more expensive on Amazon, actually). I was beginning to suspect that I was annovulatory, and I had even started researching it yesterday online. I know a positive OPK doesn't necessarily mean ovulation will occur, but I'm trying to be positive. I believe this is likely my first real ovulation since the surgery, and I'm kind of feeling hopeful. I'm really hoping it happens this time around, partly because if it doesn't, I'll be getting my period right at New Year's, when I will be up in the mountains attempting to enjoy snow sports (which I will absolutely enjoy, although my period will make them less enjoyable).
Anyway! I guess that means I'm officially entering the two-week-wait right now? Or in another day or two? And that my luteal phase isn't ridiculously short, and the very first doctor I saw about this (who was a resident) was completely wrong when she looked at my BBT charts and told me I ovulate on CD 25. I have been trying to cut back on alcohol, but I will probably have a few glasses of wine over Christmas. And if I'm going to get my period, I would prefer to get it on New Year's Eve so that I'll know if I can drink champagne to my heart's content that evening.
Oh, speaking of knowing things... I need to have bloodwork done 2-7 days before my surgery, and the bloodwork includes a pregnancy test. That means I can get it done as early as December 30th, which will be 12 days after my positive OPK. Is that too early for a pregnancy to show up? Otherwise, I would probably have to wait until January 4th, which means I could possibly be drinking on New Year's Eve while unknowingly pregnant, although I could maybe squeeze in a trip to the lab on the 31st before we leave for the mountains. I could do a HPT on the 30th and then try to decide what to do. Thoughts anyone?
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Rough week
I know I haven't posted in a while. Things have been crazy, but luckily everything turned out ok in the end.
I heard back from my doctor. He requested additional blood tests. I don't know what they are, but I'm hoping it will give me a more complete picture of my thyroid function. I also got a surgery date! I'll be having surgery January 6th. So next week I'm going to have to bike to the closer clinic for a pre-surgical visit and probably get my bloodwork done while I'm there. I'm happy to be getting it out of the way. Ironically, I will once again be having surgery immediately after my period ends.
So as of last Thursday, I had finished Christmas shopping for my husband. I bought him some camera stuff and a new (to us) 10-inch tablet, since he has a first generation tablet and it's having tons of problems. I wanted to get him a large one, since he had one before, and he likes watching videos, so I got him a used one since they're so darn expensive. Then we had our company Christmas party on Friday and I won a 7-inch tablet (exact same tablet I bought for him, just smaller). Now I'm not sure what to do with it. Do I keep it for myself, even though I already have a tablet? Except that mine is 10 inches also, and the 7 inch one will actually fit in my purse. Or do I give it as a gift to someone? I just don't know who...
Anyway, I spent the weekend working on a quilt for my nephew. Here's a picture of it almost done:
My sister is going to do the binding, and then it will be finished! I don't have any pictures of it without a cat on it, since I haven't been able to keep the cats off of it. They think it's the best thing in the world.
I had Monday off from work, and so I was home working on the quilt with my sister, and as she was packing up to go home, our dog Lola had a seizure. It was the most horrifying thing I've experienced in a long, long time. At first, I thought she was choking. My sister managed to corral our other dog, Apollo, who thought Lola was playing and wanted to get in on the action. As her entire body convulsed, I tried to see if there was anything in her mouth, but then my sister pointed out that she was still breathing. She finally stopped seizing (at which point I was terrified that she was dying), crawled into her crate, and wouldn't come out. At this point, I had finally found the number for the emergency vet and was trying to figure out what to do. Lola was barking and growling and acting like a completely different dog, which the vet assured me was normal after a seizure. She suggested bringing Lola to the clinic in her crate, which unfortunately wouldn't have worked since it won't fit in my car assembled, and Lola isn't exactly a small dog.
Lola finally calmed down enough for me to coax her out of the crate, and my sister helped me get her into the car. She was so weak and shaky at that point. I sped to the emergency vet, and they got her in right away and starting testing for possible toxins. They kept her overnight and then I picked her up yesterday morning and worked from home so I could keep an eye on her. Her blood work was normal, so she either just had a random seizure or she has epilepsy. I'm so glad she's ok, I was terrified the entire time it was happening. The good news is that I finally had a chance to weigh her again. When we adopted her, she was severely underweight at 47 pounds. She now weighs 71 pounds!
In addition to that, my roof was fixed yesterday, just in time for a crazy rainstorm last night. So between the emergency vet bills, the roof, Christmas shopping, and my upcoming surgery, this is going to be a really, really expensive time of year for us.
And last but not least - I finally got to start testing for ovulation on Monday. Negative so far. I'm not sure what I'll do if I don't get a positive this time. It makes it seem like all this worry is for nothing.
I heard back from my doctor. He requested additional blood tests. I don't know what they are, but I'm hoping it will give me a more complete picture of my thyroid function. I also got a surgery date! I'll be having surgery January 6th. So next week I'm going to have to bike to the closer clinic for a pre-surgical visit and probably get my bloodwork done while I'm there. I'm happy to be getting it out of the way. Ironically, I will once again be having surgery immediately after my period ends.
So as of last Thursday, I had finished Christmas shopping for my husband. I bought him some camera stuff and a new (to us) 10-inch tablet, since he has a first generation tablet and it's having tons of problems. I wanted to get him a large one, since he had one before, and he likes watching videos, so I got him a used one since they're so darn expensive. Then we had our company Christmas party on Friday and I won a 7-inch tablet (exact same tablet I bought for him, just smaller). Now I'm not sure what to do with it. Do I keep it for myself, even though I already have a tablet? Except that mine is 10 inches also, and the 7 inch one will actually fit in my purse. Or do I give it as a gift to someone? I just don't know who...
Anyway, I spent the weekend working on a quilt for my nephew. Here's a picture of it almost done:
My sister is going to do the binding, and then it will be finished! I don't have any pictures of it without a cat on it, since I haven't been able to keep the cats off of it. They think it's the best thing in the world.
I had Monday off from work, and so I was home working on the quilt with my sister, and as she was packing up to go home, our dog Lola had a seizure. It was the most horrifying thing I've experienced in a long, long time. At first, I thought she was choking. My sister managed to corral our other dog, Apollo, who thought Lola was playing and wanted to get in on the action. As her entire body convulsed, I tried to see if there was anything in her mouth, but then my sister pointed out that she was still breathing. She finally stopped seizing (at which point I was terrified that she was dying), crawled into her crate, and wouldn't come out. At this point, I had finally found the number for the emergency vet and was trying to figure out what to do. Lola was barking and growling and acting like a completely different dog, which the vet assured me was normal after a seizure. She suggested bringing Lola to the clinic in her crate, which unfortunately wouldn't have worked since it won't fit in my car assembled, and Lola isn't exactly a small dog.
Lola finally calmed down enough for me to coax her out of the crate, and my sister helped me get her into the car. She was so weak and shaky at that point. I sped to the emergency vet, and they got her in right away and starting testing for possible toxins. They kept her overnight and then I picked her up yesterday morning and worked from home so I could keep an eye on her. Her blood work was normal, so she either just had a random seizure or she has epilepsy. I'm so glad she's ok, I was terrified the entire time it was happening. The good news is that I finally had a chance to weigh her again. When we adopted her, she was severely underweight at 47 pounds. She now weighs 71 pounds!
In addition to that, my roof was fixed yesterday, just in time for a crazy rainstorm last night. So between the emergency vet bills, the roof, Christmas shopping, and my upcoming surgery, this is going to be a really, really expensive time of year for us.
And last but not least - I finally got to start testing for ovulation on Monday. Negative so far. I'm not sure what I'll do if I don't get a positive this time. It makes it seem like all this worry is for nothing.
Friday, December 12, 2014
I need some advice
While helping my sister clean out her office, I came across a box of my father's medical records. It turns out, he had hypothyroidism. I have most of the symptoms of hypothyroidism, and several doctors in the past have suspected I have it, but the regular tests always come back normal.
I know there are more in-depth tests that can detect what standard tests can't. I know you usually need to be referred to a specialist, and no doctor I've had in the past has ever been willing to do that. I just emailed my fertility specialist to see what he thinks, but he tends to not take my suggestions seriously. I've only seen my regular doctor once, and she thought I was nuts for 1) not using much soap and 2) getting a skin check every year after having had basal cell carcinoma, both of which were recommended to me by dermatologists. So I'm not sure she's going to take me seriously either. I've only seen my OBGYN once (I just switched to Kaiser last summer, so I have all new doctors). She seems much more interested in my issues, but she's the one who referred me to the specialist. If the fertility specialist shoots me down, what should I do?
I know there are more in-depth tests that can detect what standard tests can't. I know you usually need to be referred to a specialist, and no doctor I've had in the past has ever been willing to do that. I just emailed my fertility specialist to see what he thinks, but he tends to not take my suggestions seriously. I've only seen my regular doctor once, and she thought I was nuts for 1) not using much soap and 2) getting a skin check every year after having had basal cell carcinoma, both of which were recommended to me by dermatologists. So I'm not sure she's going to take me seriously either. I've only seen my OBGYN once (I just switched to Kaiser last summer, so I have all new doctors). She seems much more interested in my issues, but she's the one who referred me to the specialist. If the fertility specialist shoots me down, what should I do?
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