First consult with donor doctor - and A New Hope! (Not the star wars kind)

I had an awesome conversation with the doctor today.  He not only went over the donor embryo program with me (which works completely differently than how I thought), he went over all of my options.  He had looked at all of my test results before calling, and had a lot of information to give me.

For one thing, he said that even though I'm 36 but have the AMH levels of someone in their 40s, all it really means is that I produce fewer eggs.  He said the quality of my eggs should be the same as any other 36-year-old, and if we can use medication to help me produce as many eggs as other 36-year-olds, there is no reason why I couldn't get pregnant without resorting to IVF or donors.  He suggested starting with a clomid cycle and seeing how my body responds and go from there.  I'm really excited about that.

He also went over different options for using donated eggs with my husband's sperm, some of which aren't that much more expensive than the donor embryo program (but there is no money-back guarantee), so we will be able to consider those as well.  He mentioned (which I already knew) that using a donor program isn't age-dependent, so if we wanted to try to have our own, we should try that first. 

So!  I have to go in for a saline sonogram on CD 6-10, which will be coming up soon (today is CD 22, so I'm expecting my period to start sometime in the next couple of days).  And then we can get started!  Yay!  And if things look really, really bad on a medicated cycle, we can always start a donor cycle of some sort right away.

Speaking of donor cycles...  I assumed a donor embryo program would be comprised of embryos that had been donated, such as in the case of a couple who produced numerous embryos, had finished building their family, and didn't want to destroy the extras.  This is not the case.  Apparently, they take donor eggs and donor sperm and create embryos that are then matched with multiple couples, which is how they keep costs down.  So they're not embryos that have been donated, they are embryos created from donor eggs and donor sperm.  It sounds kind of weird, but I find that I'm not as excited about that.  For one thing, my husband's sperm are (mostly) fine.  It seems weird to deliberately use donor sperm when we don't have to.  It's one thing if the embryos had already been created (waste not, want not and all that), but that's not what's happening here.

Anyway, following the doctor's suggestion, I tried calling to schedule my saline sonogram, and they woman who answered was super short with me.  She informed me that they haven't received the doctor's notes yet, and when they do, they will be calling me.  Apparently, I shouldn't be bothering them.  I hate it when a doctor us super helpful and the support staff is the opposite.  Don't they realize that if I'm coming there as a patient, I'm probably not in the best frame of mind?  I'm starting my period any day now!  I need to schedule this test ASAP!  I don't have months to waste, my AMH is dropping incredibly quickly!

Hospital bills

Ooooh, but first: house news!  Technically, our house sold today!  We're renting back through Saturday so we can move.  We signed the papers on the new house yesterday, and we should be on track for keys Friday, I hope.  The best part about it all is that we won't have a house payment until July, which is the most reassuring thing I've heard in quite some time.

Now to move on to what is frustrating the hell out of me.  I got a second bill for my surgery in January (the myomectomy to remove the fibroids that were supposedly preventing pregnancy, even though my AMH was plunging, unknown to everyone).  I had assumed that the first insanely high bill that we got covered the entire surgery.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Apparently, the first bill was just for physicians services, it didn't include the hospital charges, which are much, much higher.  The bill doesn't show what portion will be covered by insurance, so that will be a nice surprise when that bill arrives.

But here's the kicker: I dug out the first bill, which I had been planning to pay as soon as our house sold, and I noticed that I was being charged for a laparoscopy.  I didn't have a laparoscopy, I had a hysteroscopy.  So that's just one more thing I need to take care of.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will lower the cost of the procedure.  I really don't understand why we can't have simpler healthcare billing in this country.  It's just mind-blowing to me.

Anyway, today is my telephone consultation for embryo donation!  Yay!  I'm really looking forward to getting the (very expensive) progress started.

This week is going to be crazy

We begin moving Friday (I hope!).  I still don't know for sure when we're signing papers and when we get keys.  We spent the weekend packing.  I'm very concerned about the amount of stuff we have.  I was raised as a pack-rat, but I yearn to be a minimalist.  It's difficult trying to reconcile the two.

So I finally made my husband log in to Kaiser and get the results of his semen analysis.  Not all of the numbers were in the ideal range, but I honestly have no idea what any of them mean, or how important it is for those particular numbers to be in the ideal range.  We were filling out the questionnaire for the donor embryo program, and it asked for the date of the test and the results.  My husband wanted to write "everything was fine" under results.  I don't know if he just doesn't believe that his numbers weren't ok (I mean, they were close, but they were NOT in the ideal range), or if he's in complete denial.  I suggested he email the doctor to find out what the numbers meant.  He refused.  I'm still a little upset about that.  I could probably email the doctor myself, but I'm not sure he would tell me anything.

Anyway, we sent in all the paperwork, and I have a phone consultation with a case manager Wednesday.  I'm looking forward to getting started.  At this point, I'm about a week past ovulation, and no pregnancy symptoms whatsoever, so I'm assuming this cycle, like all the others, was a bust.  And, as these things are wont to go, it seems likely I will start my period Friday or Saturday, which are our two big moving days.  I'm not really sure, since my period has been awfully strange since all of the surgeries, but the last two cycles were 22 and 24 days, and today is day 19 of this cycle, so really, any time after Wednesday is fair game.  I'm going to have to start loading up on 800mg ibuprofen starting Wednesday night and hope for the best, I guess.

I also want to talk a wee bit about Kaiser and their programs.  On the one hand, having 50% coverage for everything other than IVF is pretty nice.  On the other hand, I never talk to one person who works on both sides - if I want to do IVF, I see this person.  If I want to try other things, I see this other person.  I never talk to someone who can tell me what my best options are.  It's driving me a bit batty.  Obviously, we're pushing ahead with donor embryos, but I wish I had seen someone before my AMH dropped so low who could have helped guide me to the best decision.

It's the little things

I ovulated over the weekend!  Yay!  It's definitely a little thing, but it was pretty awesome.  It was CD 12, so not bad at all, really (and I totally could have tested the last two cycles, but whatevs).  Obviously, it doesn't mean I'm going to get pregnant, but it makes me feel better to see the smiley face.  And today I got an email from the donor embryo program to set up my first appointment for next week.  Hooray!

And, for an added bit of cheer, a picture of my new kitty Nymeria:

We had to have our house re-inspected on Monday.  That was quite a pain.  The buyer requested that so many stupid little things be fixed, many of which were broken since before I bought the house (so it was the previous owner who caused the damage).  Since they have an FHA loan, I didn't have much of a choice, which was really irritating.  Despite arguing a LOT with my husband, who wanted to fix everything with some electrical tape, I manged to get it all done and we passed the re-inspection with flying colors.

Yesterday was the house and pest inspection for our new house.  Other than some possible problems with the roof, everything looks good.  We'll have a roof inspection to see if we need to try to ask for a credit for repairs/replacement, and then hopefully we'll be done, which I really am looking forward to.  This whole situation is really stressing me out.  We still don't know for sure what day the buyers will close on our current house, what day we'll close on our new house, when we'll get the keys, and when we'll be moving for sure.  I have a plan, and I'm hoping it works.  I'm already arranging things to make it work, so if things change, that won't be fun.

Yesterday was incredibly frustrating

First things first - we adopted another kitty!  I've been looking at getting another cat for a while.  Both of our cats are old, and they don't really spend time together.  We wanted another cat that would play with Boss and cuddle with Max (since Max doesn't play, and Boss isn't going to be cuddling with anyone other than me or my husband).  I'm a huge fan of Maine Coons, and we knew we wanted a young cat, but probably not a kitten.  At the beginning of the week, I noticed that the county shelter had a one-year-old Maine Coon, so we made plans to leave work early and go see her on the first day they were open.  We got there maybe 15 minutes before someone else who was interested and we went home with her that day, to the chagrin of the other potential adopter.  She's a complete sweetheart and is fitting in really well so far with our menangerie.

In other news, I am sick and tired of dealing with house stuff.  I'm ready to wash my hands of the situation completely.  Unfortunately, I'm the only one in the family who takes responsibility for all of these kinds of things, and so I can't just quite, but I'm completely overwhelmed.  Being in charge is completely overrated.  (Ironically, my 4.5-year-old niece told us last night that she thinks my husband is in charge because he's funnier - of course he's funnier!  He never worries about anything!).  The contractor came to do most of the work yesterday.  I'm not particularly happy with the job he did, but I really don't care anymore.

And...  my sister is pregnant.  I'm really, really happy for her.  She's wanted this for a while, and she deserves it and I love my niece and nephew so much and I'm excited to have another one around.  But I'm feeling very sad for myself today.

Beginning the process

We applied for the donor embryo program last night.  My husband was so helpful - his answers to all of the questions involved things like Jedi and Samuel L. Jackson.  He also insisted on weighing himself to get a very accurate weight, and he had lost weight without even trying.  Grrrrrrrrr.

I'm currently doing ovulation testing.  I hate it.  It makes me angry.  Yesterday I avoided drinking anything all afternoon, and I ended up not really needing to pee until it was time.  The day before, I forgot and had an emergen-C, and boy did the afternoon suck.  I had to go so bad by the time my husband came to pick me up, I was so happy we didn't hit much traffic on the way home.  I practically knocked him over running to the bathroom.

So our loan officer had been incredibly worried about the timing for our loan - we would have at most 20 days to get the loan approved.  I submitted all the paperwork Monday and crossed my fingers, and found out yesterday that it was approved after only 1 day!  So everything is going well, and hopefully I can start getting ready for moving by reserving a truck and trying to find people to help with loading and unloading, and boarding the dogs.  I just need to know the date that we're moving out and the date we get the keys to move in.  I'm fine with being "homeless" for a day or two, especially since my sister's wedding is right around moving time, so we can arrange to be out of town for one night while all of our stuff is stored somewhere (hopefully in a moving truck). 

I am, however, sick and tired of dealing with paperwork and loans and insurance and inspectors and appraisers.  It makes me want to take a week off, during which I will watch TV and nap and eat chocolate ice cream.

We made a decision

We're going to move forward with the donor embryo program.  When we talked about it last night, I was really nervous about making the decision.  But now that I've slept on it, I feel really good about it.  My biggest concern, by far, with proceeding with IVF was that we would end up with no embryos.  Or we would end up with maybe one or two and they would not be "good", as in genetically bad.  Or they wouldn't implant and that would be that.  We'd have squandered all of our money, and have no options left.  Considering my current AMH levels, and how quickly they've dropped, it was a terrifying prospect.

The donor embryo program is pretty awesome, too.  They ask for all kinds of information and try to get a close match.  Considering that we are open to adoption (but also worried about the time and cost involved), this seems like the best option for us.  We'll be filling out the paperwork tonight, and I can't wait to get started.

Embryo donation

My husband (who is seriously in the dog house right now, for other reasons) and I were eating some meal sometime this weekend and listening to Pandora.  I believe it was lunch on Saturday, but we had such a crazy weekend that I can't remember.  Anyway, we were listening to Pandora and an ad came on about a local fertility clinic that offered embryo donation programs.  I looked it up, and the price is very comparable to the program we're in right now.  As much as I like the idea of having a genetically-linked child, I'm not that picky, honestly.  What if the baby ended up with my horrible vision and his horrible teeth?  I would feel so bad about it!

In terms of pros and cons, the donated embryo option would be slightly cheaper and would come with a guarantee (no baby after three tries = money back).  The embryo would likely be healthier than any embryo we could make ourselves since our eggs and sperm are older and likely to have more problems.  I'm really leaning towards IVF with donated embryos.  My husband, on the other hand, wants to try regular IVF first, but if that failed, I don't see how we could afford any more treatments, and the donor embryos have a much higher chance of working, plus I wouldn't have to go through the agony of stimulation and collection.

In other news, I've been thinking a lot lately about how men have traditionally avoided marriage (because they lose their freedoms, have a wife and future family to support, etc) and women have traditionally wanted marriage (because they need someone to support them), and I wonder why that stereotype hasn't changed now that more women are working, and more women are primary breadwinners.  I got married last summer.  I love my husband.  But I'm the primary breadwinner, and I'm still somehow expected to do all the cooking and housework, and manage the household.  My husband does do the laundry, walks the dogs, and does a few other things around the house.  But I feel like he gets WAY more out of being married than I do.  Ergo, I think it's time to change the stereotype.

Waiting

CD 1 and CD 2 have come and gone.  We decided to wait one more cycle to start IVF.  I'm quite unhappy with the whole situation, but I can't really do anything about it until we get moving sorted out.  I think we'll try regular IVF once and hope that it works out.  If by some miracle we end up with two or more embryos, we'll use the program that allows us to do multiple transfers for free if we agree to only do one at a time.  If it doesn't work ou, maybe try with donor embryos?  I just don't know.  We won't have any money left at all at that point, although I'm currently looking into an IVF loan.  Which is pretty momentous, since I despise all forms of debt.  As soon as I realized how difficult it would be to pay my student loans back, I decided never to take on debt, other than a mortgage.  And now I have a loan for three motorcycles, although that will be paid off in the next few months.  But I've never had a car loan (in fact, I've never paid more than $3000 for a car).  I never keep much on my credit card for any length of time, except for right now since we're about to move.  I hate the thought of borrowing so much money for something that has such a low chance of working.  I hate the thought of borrowing money for something that is a sure thing, but at least you can feel ok about it.

I finally told my boss about IVF.  In addition to moving, IVF is going to cause me to miss quite a bit of work (not full days, though).  In the next few months.  He knows people who've done it, and seemed confident it would work.  I didn't really want to get into the details about my diminished ovarian reserve.  My office is a wonderful place - everyone is incredibly kind and supportive, and looks for any excuse to celebrate someone who deserves it - buying a house, getting married, having a baby, running a marathon, ANYTHING is worth celebrating.  Everyone participates regardless of gender.  We go out for lunch or gelato regularly.  It's really an amazing place to work, even though I'm not that excited about what we actually do.  But I'm the only one struggling with infertility - out of the 12 or so staff members in my group, one had a baby a few weeks ago, one is due any day now, and another is due in two months.  Another has 1.5-year-old twins, one has a 2-year-old, and has a 6-month-old.  There are babies EVERYWHERE.  I am so very happy for all of my coworkers, but it can be hard not to let it get me down.

Good news/Bad news

So first the good news - our offer was accepted!  We're going to have to do more work than we wanted to on our own house in order to get the contingencies cleared as soon as possible, but if all goes as planned we'll be moving in 25 days.  Unfortunately, that's going to coincide with my older sister's wedding, so it's going to take some serious planning and coordinating to make everything happen, but I'm confident we can do it.

I saw my OBGYN for my pap smear yesterday.  She was the doctor who originally referred me to the infertility center last year.  She had reviewed my file and all my test results before she came in (I love doctors who do that!) and she told me that while my chances of having a baby were definitely reduced, that a small chance is not the same thing as no chance.  She also suggested donor eggs, but acknowledged that it can be expensive.  That was a little frustrating.  Then I got home to discover the bill for my January surgery in my mailbox, the surgery that I had in order to make sure my uterus was prepared for a baby.  It was $3400.  At the rate we're spending money, we're not going to get enough out of selling our house to even pay for one round of IVF, much less do some of the work I want to do on the house.

I started my period today, and we're not in a position to pay $15,000 for IVF in 4 weeks, so we'll be waiting until next cycle to get started.  I'm so nervous about waiting even one more month, but I think once we're moved into our new house and all of the stress of buying and selling at the same time is over I'll start feeling better about the whole process.

We're looking at homelessness (and childlessness!)

It seems no one wants to sell a house to anyone who is in the process of selling their old house.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed on this last one we made an offer on (house number 6, offer number 7 since we made two offers on the same house, once before we were in contract, once after).  We even wrote the owners, who are the original owners from 1975(!), to tell them that we really just want a nice house to raise a family in (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA).  After we sent it, I immediately had thoughts of them coming back in 5 years asking where our kids were, and accusing us of buying their home under false pretenses.

I spent Easter with my mother, the least supportive person in the world.  I am not a religious person, but she is, and she begged me to come so she wouldn't have to spend Easter alone.  It was a disaster.  My husband and I went to her house and picked her up to go out.  It was sort of a last-minute decision, and I would have been perfectly happy cooking something, but I think he felt bad about me having to do all the cooking and cleaning at her house when I do most of it at home too.  So we drove around trying to find a restaurant that was open and had space for us, and we ended up at a VERY expensive restaurant.  The bill came to $200.  My mom's first attempt to pay with her credit card was declined.  Luckily, she has a whole wallet full of credit cards!  So she managed to pay, but there is no way I'm ever going out with her again.  And then, they gave us caramel candy, and right after she said "I once lost a filling to a caramel", guess what happened?  That's right, and not only a filling, but also part of a tooth.

So I have my pap smear today and then we'll be rapidly approaching decision time for IVF.  I'm anxious to get an antral follicle count.  I think that will give us a much better idea of the likelihood of IVF working.  Every month I hold out hope that this could be the month.  As every doctor has told us, there's no reason why we haven't gotten pregnant on our own (of course, that was before we knew just how badly my ovaries were doing).  Today is CD 23.  Last month, my cycle was 23 days, and the previous month it was 21, and those are the only two cycles I've had since all of the fibroids were removed.  At the moment, there is no sign of a period, and I usually have spotting the week before.  I have no breast tenderness (but I never do for ovulation or PMS or anything), I've had some nausea, and today I'm constipated.  Also, for the last week, I've had tons of lower back pain, and since my uterus is retroverted (that's the word for tipped backward, right?), I tend to feel anything that happens in my back as well as my front.  So maybe this is the cycle where everything works the way it should.

I don't know what we're going to do now

Here is the information I have.  At the beginning of June last year, my AMH was 1.35.  At the beginning of August (two months later) it was 0.8.  At the beginning of April this year (8 months later) it's down to 0.4.  I'm concerned that my eggs will be gone by the end of the year at this rate.  I'm also concerned that IVF may not work for us, and I don't want to pour money into something that is going to be seriously unpleasant to do and unlikely to work.  On the other hand, I don't want to just give up.

I moved up my final doctor's appointment before I can go in to get an antral follicle count and get started on figuring out IVF to Tuesday.  I'm hoping my period doesn't come before then, but with how strange and inconsistent it has been lately, I'm not holding out hope.  Can you get a pap smear when you have your period?

So if we're going to do IVF, I think we're going to have to do it soon.  Like, really soon.  I don't know what we'll do if we put thousands of dollars into it and end up with no embryos.  I was angry enough that we would probably have to do IVF.  I'm even angrier knowing that the chance of success is so small.

Both my husband and I are willing to consider adoption, although we would both prefer to adopt younger children.  I personally don't think I could handle kids with major issues, I hate to say.  We already have a dog with major issues, and my husband has problems with his legs, and I don't think I can handle any more.  We would also probably have problems with the costs, especially if we tried IVF first.  So for now, I just don't know.

It just gets worse

My AMH is down to 0.4.  I just cried at work.  This is not good.  This is really, really, really bad.

I'm currently losing my sh!t

We didn't get the house.  They decided to sell to friends of theirs who were interested.  I'm not even sure why they bothered with a bidding war, unless they just wanted to piss people off for no reason.  I'm getting ridiculously discouraged.

We got our inspection report yesterday.  The buyer is asking for all kinds of stuff to be fixed.  We will be saying no to most of it, but one of the items will need to be taken care of in order for the buyer to get her FHA loan.  The estimate from her inspector (who is also a contractor I guess?) seemed insanely high.  I don't see how I'll have the time to get other bids, and I don't even know where to start with that.  But we don't have the money to have it fixed right now, unless we just put it on the credit card, which will bring us so much closer to maxing it out and probably ruining our chances of getting a decent interest rate on a new loan for a house.

Speaking of which, my husband then asked if we don't have the money to fix the house, how do we have money for IVF?  That's a good point.  We don't.  I was hoping that after we sold the house and paid off our bills (which are climbing exponentially at this point between the multiple trips to the emergency vet and constantly making repairs on the house), we would have some money left over and could supplement it with borrowing from our line of credit at the bank and/or using a credit card (not my preferred option, but there you go).  Of course, this all assumes that the sale of our house actually happens (I'm not convinced it will anymore, considering what we're planning to say no to) and we actually find another house to buy.  My husband thinks we should put IVF on hold indefinitely.  Considering I'm 4.5 months away from 37, I'm not convinced it's a good idea, but I honestly don't see how we can pay for it.  I emailed my RE last night asking what my latest AMH level was.  I had it done twice last year at two different labs, about 3 months apart (give or take) and it dropped dramatically in those three months.  I'm worried it may be down to nothing now, which will help us figure out what to do.

Speaking of buying another house.  I'm getting to the point where I don't want to move.  The idea was that we would move to a smaller city that's a bit farther away from work, but isn't in a direction where there is a lot of traffic.  We would be closer to our families, but we don't know anyone in that town.  We were hoping we would be able to afford a 3 or 4 bedroom house, so we would have room for kid(s), and hopefully a decent size yard.

I'm now realizing that 1) We probably can't afford a 3 or 4 bedroom house unless we seriously compromise on everything else about the house (size of the yard, crappiness of the house), 2) I'm not sure why we would want to trade our super-nice house with our great big yard for a crappier house that will give us more room for kids if doing so will make it impossible to have those kids, since they're going to cost at least $15,000 each, 3) It will take me farther away from everything I care about.  Not that I ever spend time on anything I care about anymore anyway.

I'm thinking perhaps my husband and I can both get second jobs to help finance the IVF.  I'm not sure what else to do.  Considering how much student debt I have, I just don't feel comfortable taking on a lot more debt (my student debt is not the biggest amount I've ever heard of, but it's still really, really big.  Kids: don't go to graduate school unless your chosen field pays REALLY well.  And even then, think about it for a few years first).