Negative :(

I took a pregnancy test this morning.  It was negative.  This means two things.  1) I will be getting my period in the next day or two, 2) I will be miserable, since I can't take strong painkillers as my surgery is only 6 days out.

This is not helping my negativity from the last few days.  It does seem a little bit hopeless.  I'm heading up to the mountains this afternoon to spend the next four days with friends, all of whom have children.  Luckily, children don't really bother me the way pregnant women do (and I'm hoping against hope that none of my friends who I haven't seen in a while have a surprise pregnancy announcement to make when we arrive - I might have to cry).  Children are cute and say hilarious things and make me laugh.  Pregnant women, on the other hand, are just symbols of my failure.

And I got yelled at at work today.  and almost cried.  I need more time off.  I think I'm getting depressed.

Conflicting thoughts

The Christmas and Hanukkah season is over.  New Year's is almost here. I'm feeling... well, I'm feeling a bit numb.  And a bit disappointed.  I'm disappointed that my husband had no idea for what to get me for Christmas.  I'm disappointed that we had 4 days off from work (I had 5!) and got nothing done on the house, which does not bode well for what we'll be able to accomplish on regular two-day weekends.

I guess I'm just feeling defeated today.  I think it may be PMS.  I've almost burst out crying a few times over NOTHING.

The best part about ovulating

I don't have to hold my pee all afternoon.  It's awesome.  Also, if I want water or tea, I can just have it without worrying about how long until I get to pee again (especially since I wasn't supposed to have anything for two hours before the test, which meant I had to hold everything for AT LEAST two hours). 

My pre-op appointment was moved from today to Friday.  I was really hoping to talk to the doctor today, to see how necessary this surgery really is, since we're having some serious financial issues right now.  My first surgery is costing more than we originally planned (something like $1400).  My next surgery will probably be similar.  Our roof repair was $385.  Our emergency vet bill was $435.  We really need a new roof.  Our car is having some major issues and I'm terrified to take it to a mechanic to see what's wrong, especially since we just bought new tires.  I hate the idea of having to choose between a roof and/or a car that runs and having a baby.  I'm really overwhelmed with finances right now.  And I really don't want to have surgery.  But I also want to do what's best for me.

So my husband doesn't get it

I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to explain to my husband how fertility works so that he'll understand.  To be honest, before we started having problems ourselves, I just assumed that two people love each other, have sex, and then 9 months later a baby is born!  OK, I also know that women ovulate once a month, and unfertilized eggs end up causing PMS, cramps, and bleeding.  I had no idea of any of the mechanics, such as what follicles are and how many you start with (or don't, as the case may be), that you need to have sex BEFORE ovulation, that fertilized eggs don't implant immediately, etc.  I could go on and on and on about what I didn't know then (and mostly know now, but then I read about what other couples are doing in terms of meds and IUI and IVF, and I realize how little I still know).

Anyway, after my positive test on Thursday, my husband and I did it that night and the following night, just for good measure.  I thought he was pretty clear on the fact that it's important to have sex before ovulation.  I figured if he didn't know anything else, he at least knew that. HAHAHAHAHA.  I was soooooo wrong.  We went to a family party on Saturday night, stayed out way too late, and were super tired by the time we got home.  I was sober, as I was the driver and also hoping that my little egg(s) had fertilized, but D was pretty tipsy.  We got in bed and he told me that he was trying not to drink too much so that we'd be able to do it again that night in hopes of fertilization.  I just had to shake my head and try to explain to him AGAIN that it was probably too late, and if anything was going to happen, it had probably already happened and all we could do now was wait.

He tries so hard to understand, but he just never gets it. 

I can't really believe it

I started testing for ovulation on Monday (CD 12).  Yesterday (CD 15), I got this:

I've never seen a positive before!  Actually, I probably have, but I didn't realize it with the cheaper tests I had been using.  My doctor was right, getting the clear blue digital tests was worth it (and not that much more expensive on Amazon, actually).  I was beginning to suspect that I was annovulatory, and I had even started researching it yesterday online.  I know a positive OPK doesn't necessarily mean ovulation will occur, but I'm trying to be positive.  I believe this is likely my first real ovulation since the surgery, and I'm kind of feeling hopeful.  I'm really hoping it happens this time around, partly because if it doesn't, I'll be getting my period right at New Year's, when I will be up in the mountains attempting to enjoy snow sports (which I will absolutely enjoy, although my period will make them less enjoyable).

Anyway!   I guess that means I'm officially entering the two-week-wait right now?  Or in another day or two?  And that my luteal phase isn't ridiculously short, and the very first doctor I saw about this (who was a resident) was completely wrong when she looked at my BBT charts and told me I ovulate on CD 25.  I have been trying to cut back on alcohol, but I will probably have a few glasses of wine over Christmas.  And if I'm going to get my period, I would prefer to get it on New Year's Eve so that I'll know if I can drink champagne to my heart's content that evening.

Oh, speaking of knowing things...  I need to have bloodwork done 2-7 days before my surgery, and the bloodwork includes a pregnancy test.  That means I can get it done as early as December 30th, which will be 12 days after my positive OPK.  Is that too early for a pregnancy to show up?  Otherwise, I would probably have to wait until January 4th, which means I could possibly be drinking on New Year's Eve while unknowingly pregnant, although I could maybe squeeze in a trip to the lab on the 31st before we leave for the mountains.  I could do a HPT on the 30th and then try to decide what to do.  Thoughts anyone?

Rough week

I know I haven't posted in a while.  Things have been crazy, but luckily everything turned out ok in the end.

I heard back from my doctor.  He requested additional blood tests.  I don't know what they are, but I'm hoping it will give me a more complete picture of my thyroid function.  I also got a surgery date!  I'll be having surgery January 6th.  So next week I'm going to have to bike to the closer clinic for a pre-surgical visit and probably get my bloodwork done while I'm there.  I'm happy to be getting it out of the way.  Ironically, I will once again be having surgery immediately after my period ends.

So as of last Thursday, I had finished Christmas shopping for my husband.  I bought him some camera stuff and a new (to us) 10-inch tablet, since he has a first generation tablet and it's having tons of problems.  I wanted to get him a large one, since he had one before, and he likes watching videos, so I got him a used one since they're so darn expensive.  Then we had our company Christmas party on Friday and I won a 7-inch tablet (exact same tablet I bought for him, just smaller).  Now I'm not sure what to do with it.  Do I keep it for myself, even though I already have a tablet?  Except that mine is 10 inches also, and the 7 inch one will actually fit in my purse.  Or do I give it as a gift to someone?  I just don't know who...

Anyway, I spent the weekend working on a quilt for my nephew.  Here's a picture of it almost done:

My sister is going to do the binding, and then it will be finished!  I don't have any pictures of it without a cat on it, since I haven't been able to keep the cats off of it.  They think it's the best thing in the world.

I had Monday off from work, and so I was home working on the quilt with my sister, and as she was packing up to go home, our dog Lola had a seizure.  It was the most horrifying thing I've experienced in a long, long time.  At first, I thought she was choking.  My sister managed to corral our other dog, Apollo, who thought Lola was playing and wanted to get in on the action.  As her entire body convulsed, I tried to see if there was anything in her mouth, but then my sister pointed out that she was still breathing.  She finally stopped seizing (at which point I was terrified that she was dying), crawled into her crate, and wouldn't come out.  At this point, I had finally found the number for the emergency vet and was trying to figure out what to do.  Lola was barking and growling and acting like a completely different dog, which the vet assured me was normal after a seizure.  She suggested bringing Lola to the clinic in her crate, which unfortunately wouldn't have worked since it won't fit in my car assembled, and Lola isn't exactly a small dog.

Lola finally calmed down enough for me to coax her out of the crate, and my sister helped me get her into the car.  She was so weak and shaky at that point.  I sped to the emergency vet, and they got her in right away and starting testing for possible toxins.  They kept her overnight and then I picked her up yesterday morning and worked from home so I could keep an eye on her.  Her blood work was normal, so she either just had a random seizure or she has epilepsy.  I'm so glad she's ok, I was terrified the entire time it was happening.  The good news is that I finally had a chance to weigh her again.  When we adopted her, she was severely underweight at 47 pounds.  She now weighs 71 pounds!

In addition to that, my roof was fixed yesterday, just in time for a crazy rainstorm last night.  So between the emergency vet bills, the roof, Christmas shopping, and my upcoming surgery, this is going to be a really, really expensive time of year for us.

And last but not least - I finally got to start testing for ovulation on Monday.  Negative so far.  I'm not sure what I'll do if I don't get a positive this time.  It makes it seem like all this worry is for nothing.

I need some advice

While helping my sister clean out her office, I came across a box of my father's medical records.  It turns out, he had hypothyroidism.  I have most of the symptoms of hypothyroidism, and several doctors in the past have suspected I have it, but the regular tests always come back normal.

I know there are more in-depth tests that can detect what standard tests can't.  I know you usually need to be referred to a specialist, and no doctor I've had in the past has ever been willing to do that.  I just emailed my fertility specialist to see what he thinks, but he tends to not take my suggestions seriously.  I've only seen my regular doctor once, and she thought I was nuts for 1) not using much soap and 2) getting a skin check every year after having had basal cell carcinoma, both of which were recommended to me by dermatologists.  So I'm not sure she's going to take me seriously either.  I've only seen my OBGYN once (I just switched to Kaiser last summer, so I have all new doctors).  She seems much more interested in my issues, but she's the one who referred me to the specialist.  If the fertility specialist shoots me down, what should I do? 

First the good news

Our roof can probably be fixed for under $400.  Yay!  The bad news: We're probably going to have to replace the roof next year.  The guy wouldn't give me a rough estimate, but I really need to know how much to save.  And I hate the thought of having to choose between a roof and a baby, assuming our only hope is IVF.

So yesterday I bought "It Starts With the Egg" and started reading it.  I don't know how helpful it will be, but I'm already starting to think about changes I can make.  No more canned food (not that I eat much to begin with) and I'm going to try to not touch receipts as much.  I can just imagine myself putting on gloves while grocery shopping so the BPA from the receipts won't touch my skin.  I'll keep reading and talking about what I'm changing in my life to hopefully make the eggs I have left more viable.

In other news.  My mother's condition is worsening quickly (she doesn't have an actual medical condition, other than self-induced diabetes.  When I talk about her condition, I just mean what condition she's in).  She does suffer from depression, but refuses to get help for it and I'm tired of trying to talk to her about it.  I've been dealing with it since I was a kid.  I don't have the energy to do it anymore.  She's approaching the point where she really can't take care of herself anymore, and I'm having less and less sympathy all the time, primarily because she's doing it to herself.  When my sister arrived yesterday, she found multiple empty cartons of ice cream scattered around the house.  Full-size cartons (I'm assuming my sister meant half-gallons, but I didn't ask).  My mother insisted that they've been building up for some time (as if saving garbage in your house is somehow ok, but binging on ice cream isn't), but I was just there on Thanksgiving morning, and the cartons weren't there.  Additionally, there were moldy plates and half-eaten packages of food, mostly moldy, scattered around.  It was frustrating to me that while all of my friends and coworkers have parents who help them out, I have a parent who needs constant help.  And I haven't even had kids yet.

This brings up something else, having to do with having kids.  My sister goes to a lot of trouble to make sure her kids have a relationship with their grandmother.  I work full time, as does my husband, so I know my kids won't have that same opportunity, but I do question whether the relationship is worth it.  My mother is fairly sexist, for one thing.  She also tries to spoil her grandchildren, which wouldn't be a big deal if she lived farther away and didn't see them very often, but on a weekly basis seems like too much.

Additionally, my mother has favorite grandchildren (or rather, one favorite) and she doesn't really try to hide it.  Growing up, my mother always called my brother by name, but for my sister and I, she just addressed us as "girls".  I always assumed it was a twin thing, and if we weren't identical twins, we would have been worthy of names.  Unfortunately, now that my brother has two boys and a girl (in terms of age, the girl is the middle child), I've realized it's definitely a favoritism thing..  She only calls the oldest (her obvious favorite) by name.  She calls her granddaughter "the little girl" or just "the girl", and the younger boy is called "the little one".  I can't help but think any future kids might pick up on this, and since she lives nearby, they'd be subjected to it frequently.  Obviously, this isn't an issue yet, but it worries me for the future.

Monday morning

It was so hard to get up this morning.  It's cold and foggy here.  We have a major leak in our roof, I haven't been able to get a roofing contractor to actually come to my house yet, and there's a huge storm blowing in later this week.  I also haven't had a phone call about the surgery I'm supposedly having next month.  Normally I hate it when people call me, but I'm dying for the phone to ring these days.

I watched my sister finish a marathon yesterday morning.  To be fair to myself, I finished the same marathon two years ago, but I feel like a lazy slob now.  Especially since I had to buy pants in a bigger size recently.  I want to run so badly, but the osteoarthritis in my ankle has been really problematic.  My husband said he is bringing a brace home for me to try, and I really hope it helps.  It sucks being a 36-year-old with a 76-year-old ankle.

In other news.  I'm planning to start testing for ovulation next Monday.  I can't wait.  I'm just hoping for a positive, although I know if there isn't a positive there are ways to make it happen.  However, what worries me the most is my period.  For most of my life, even when I was on birth control, my period was painful and heavy, and lasted about 5 days, sometimes 6.  Since I stopped using birth control, it is still fairly painful, but it only lasts 2 or 3 days.  And sometimes there's very little blood.  It's sort of mind-boggling.  Considering day one this time around was pretty heavy and painful, I know it was actually my period and not random spotting, but I wish I understood what's happening a little better.

Friday

I finally got back on my bike today.  It's supposed to rain, but I can't handle being lazy any more.  I'm feeling fat, and I really need to do something about it. 

Before I continue, I have to admit I'm something of a curmudgeon.  I work on the 6th floor of my building, which happens to be the top floor.  I work for the government, in health care (sort of).  My department is constantly promoting healthy living.  Until I started having trouble with arthritis in my ankle last year, I always took the stairs.  To the 6th floor.  Now that I figured out that stairs were causing a lot of unnecessary ankle pain, I've started grudgingly taking the elevator.  I hate it. (I do take the stairs if it's only a floor or two, though - there's no reason to be completely lazy)

Every day, someone inevitably comes running onto the elevator at the last minute, forcing everyone who is already on there to wait extra time for the doors to open and then close again, despite the fact that there are 5 other elevators.  Then they get off at the second floor.  I know, I know other people are in the same boat as me and have physical difficulties that aren't apparent.  Of course, if I'm about to miss the elevator, I just wait for the next one because there are so many.

Also, these people are often the people who are drinking a giant starbucks and complaining about how they wish they could lose weight.  It drives me nuts.  They also usually immediately start pushing the door close button so no one else can get on. 

Anyway, this morning I got to work early and was feeling more charitable and as I got on the elevator, I noticed someone was hurrying to get there, so I held the door.  It was a woman.  She was probably about 5 months pregnant.  She smiled and thanked me.  I didn't even want to look at her.  I feel a bit like a failure.

Oh, and since I'm on the subject of elevators and pregnant women, on one of my first visits to Kaiser, I had to go to the second floor and I had no idea where the stairs were, so I pushed the button for the elevator and waited.  A very pregnant woman came up and stood there waiting a minute later.  The elevators in my office make a loud ringing sound when they arrive, so it never occurred to me that the Kaiser elevators wouldn't be audible.  I had turned around to read a flier about an infertility class on the bulletin board across from the elevator, and when I turned around a minute later, the elevator had come and gone in silence, and the pregnant woman had gotten on and never said a word to me!

Cycle Day 1

Yup, it happened.  My cycle FINALLY started.  I was hoping that with the removal of 10 fibroids, my cramps would be more manageable, but I was in pain most of the night and this morning is pretty awful.  I've taken some painkillers, so I'm hoping they'll help.  My flow has been pretty light so far, which I guess is more normal than it used to be, but we'll see how that goes.  Mostly, I'm excited that I should now have a date to start testing for ovulation!  I really, really hope I see a positive at some point.

Day 41

Still no period.  My back is killing me, which often happens during my period, but there is no blood.  I'm at a loss as to what to do.  I think I will wait until Friday or Saturday and if I haven't started by then, I'll do another pregnancy test.  I guess.

And now I have to rant a bit.

So a friend of mine, who is about to turn 37, is about 8 months pregnant with her second baby.  I'm good friends with both her and her husband from college, and until recently I really liked them both a lot.  I went to the baby shower for her first baby, and even brought them a meal after the baby was born, even though I was single and poor and paying off huge student loans (I live about 90 minutes away, so I drove there and bought them a bunch of food, which was not cheap).  I have put up with getting extensive emails every three months detailing every little thing about their lives and their child and what he eats and says and likes and plays with.  Etc, etc.

I didn't go to the baby shower for the second baby, which was the weekend before thanksgiving, because I am morally opposed to showers for second babies (and if anyone says it's ok if the baby is a different sex, I will have to whip out my Feminist card.  Babies are babies.  Boy or girl, they both need basically the same things).  Well, yesterday, I received an invitation to sign up on a calendar to bring them meals.  It was sent by my friend herself, not by someone else on her behalf.  I nearly lost it.  Of course, they don't know that we've been trying to get pregnant for over a year (since before they got pregnant), but still.  I can't even imagine sending out a mass request for people to bring me food!  It's not like they're having a hard time.  They're actually doing quite well for themselves.

This is not to say that I wouldn't want to help out a friend.  My best friend gave birth this summer, 6 days before my wedding.  She was a bridesmaid, and I did everything I could to make it easy for her to be there, because having her there was more important to me than having everything be perfect.  Her birthday was the weekend after I got back from my honeymoon, so I made her dinner and brought it to her (over an hour away).  I did it because I wanted to, and not because she created a calendar where she expected everyone to sign up to bring her things.

Now that I'm looking at the possibility of rather expensive infertility treatments, I have to admit, I'm a little disgusted.  I also won't be participating, and I will probably just ignore the request. 

Day 40

I took a pregnancy test on Thursday morning.  Negative.  Not even a hint of a line.  Which is fine, because I wasn't necessarily expecting to get pregnant immediately after surgery.  But where is my period????  There have been no signs of it whatsoever.  After doing a bit of reading, it seems reasonable to assume that it will take 5-6 weeks after surgery before it starts.  I'm now one day short of 5 weeks past surgery.  So maybe my period will start soon?

My Thanksgiving was pretty good.  We got up early on Thanksgiving morning and drove 25 minutes east to pick up my mom, who wasn't ready (I didn't expect her to be, especially since there was no traffic at all so we got there early).  I helped her finish packing, D changed the battery in her smoke detector because the beeping was driving me nuts even though she apparently couldn't hear it, and we piled into the car to drive 45 minutes west to my sister's, where my sister and I spent the day cooking and cleaning for 11 or so people, half of whom are from Italy.  Since my brother-in-law is from Italy, we often end up with all of the stray Italians in the area at our holiday celebrations.  My mother HATES sharing holidays with non-family members, especially those who are not American.   Perhaps I haven't mentioned it yet, but she was insisting on my husband and I spending Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day with her.  I told her we'd spend all day Thanksgiving and Christmas with her, but D and I had to work on Christmas Eve, and we'd be having dinner with his family.  So she suggested he go to his family and I go to her house.  Ummmm, yeah.  I shut that idea down right away.

In case you couldn't tell, my mother is DIFFICULT.  For Thanksgiving, my sister spent quite a bit of money on an organic heritage turkey, which my mom basically said was a waste since it wasn't that good.  She also said that "if it wasn't for the drug cartels, we should just take over Mexico since they have better beaches than we do".  And when one of the Italians asked her if she was from the town where my sister lives (which is a VERY NICE town, and most people in the area can't afford to live there, although it's not as glamorous and exclusive as the town where my mom used to live), she was offended.  Now, she lives in a similar town, but last year she moved from what was probably the most expensive town in the area, full of huge houses and gated communities and local celebrities, and she's still upset about the move.  So instead of telling the girl where she actually lives, she said, "well, I used to live in GB, but before that, I lived in S" which happens to be a small town in Silicon Valley that is also very expensive, but not exactly the most expensive place in Silicon Valley, and isn't exactly well-known.  No one who is from outside the area has ever heard of these places.  I can guarantee that someone who is from a different COUNTRY will never have any reason to know the names of these towns, much less be impressed by how rich and important my mother must be to have lived in them.  She couldn't even admit that she lives in the nice town she does, for fear that someone might think she consorts with commoners.  My poor sister had to put up with her overnight, since she's gotten to the point where she can't drive anymore.  I felt so bad, but I just can't deal with her for long periods of time.  Like half a day.

My husband and I spent the rest of the weekend doing maintenance on our house.  Owning a house is a pain.  Owning a 35-year-old house with a flat roof is even more of a pain.  We now have a leak in the bathroom ceiling.  We're probably going to have to hire someone to fix it, as soon as it stops raining.  I'm hoping it doesn't cost an arm and a leg.

Oh yeah!  I found my wallet!

Day 33

I told myself I would wait until Friday to take a pregnancy test.  I had estrogen patches for 7 days (8?), so I figured I would wait 7 days after the typical end of my cycle.  Since my cycle has apparently not ended yet.

However.  I didn't really take the holidays into account.  As we all know, Thursday is Thanksgiving.  If I am pregnant, I want to avoid alcohol (obviously).  If I am not pregnant, I would like to take full advantage of the holiday and my sister's excellent wine selection.  So I am not sure what to do.  At the moment, I'm pretty sure I only have one pregnancy test left.  It may or may not be expired.  Do I throw caution to the wind and use it?  I realize most people would say throwing caution to the wind would be to NOT use it, and the cautious thing to do would be to use it before Thursday.  But I don't want to test too early and be disappointed.  I don't want to jinx it (I know, it sounds crazy).

What do I do???

Day 32

So when I first stopped using birth control, pretty much exactly one year ago, my first two cycles were 32 days.  The next one dropped to something like 26 days, and I can't remember what cycle 4 was like, but it eventually settled on 28 days, and everything was peachy, other than the fact that I never got pregnant, which was the whole point of stopping birth control.  Also, cramps and heavy bleeding weren't so peachy.

Today is day 32 of this cycle.  Obviously, this cycle isn't going to be normal.  I had surgery on day 5.  I had estrogen patches on my stomach from day 5 through day day 14.  (Speaking of which, I haven't had an allergic reaction on my stomach in several days now.  I think the adhesive is completely gone.  Yay!).  I had a stent in my uterus for 8 days.  I have no idea what my next period is even going to be like, considering I had 10 fibroids removed from inside my uterus.

I just have no idea what I should do if my period continues to not happen.  At what point do I start testing for possible pregnancy?  I mean, I'm assuming it didn't happen this time, considering I spent over 1.5 weeks not having intimate relations with my husband, smack dab in the middle of this cycle (although who the heck knows when the middle of the cycle actually was???  I have no idea!).

In an attempt to cheat fate and force a pregnancy to happen, I finally went out and spent $40 on a new menstrual cup.  I was waiting because if I got pregnant, I wouldn't need it for a good nine months.  Of course, I didn't get pregnant, so I figured I might as well buy it.  Chances are, now that I've spent the money, I'll get pregnant, and if I don't, I'll have a new one to use.  Win-win, right?

Updated: I'll add that I usually have some spotting during the week before my period starts.  Considering I had spotting for a week after my surgery, I'm not sure if there's anything left to spot.  I have had nothing so far.  I don't know what this means.

Update the second: I also spent $33 on the clear blue digital OPK. And I technically spent $32 plus tax on the cup.  So that's $68 that would be wasted if I got pregnant.  Is it weird that I think the more money I waste, the more likely it is I'll get pregnant?

28 days

Today would have been the day my period arrived.  It shows no signs of showing up.  I don't really expect it to, considering my recent surgery and subsequent estrogen application, but I do wish I had some clue of when it will arrive.  I'm very eager to start testing for ovulation!

In other news, I went on a quick shopping spree yesterday.  After seeing myself in the mirror, I was absolutely appalled.  I have to lose weight!  But I never seem to have time to exercise.  I get up super early in the morning to get everything ready for the day.  I'm at work for 10 hours a day (including lunch, which I often work through).  I don't get home until after 5, sometimes closer to 6, and I generally immediately start dinner.  After dinner, I spend quite a bit of time cleaning, if I have the energy.  By the time that's all done, it's usually around 8 and I'm exhausted.  I really want to exercise more, but life is sapping my energy.

Yesterday at work, we had our weekly team meeting.  There are about 15 people on my team, give or take.  We're already counting down to one expected birth in March (we like countdowns - we're also counting down to Game of Thrones Season 5, one coworker's wedding, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas).  Another coworker announced that his wife is pregnant with their second child, due in April.  He already has a 15-month-old at home, whom we already had a baby shower for.  Luckily, no one made any comments to me about why I haven't gotten pregnant yet.  I guess the few coworkers that I told spread the word about it, which I'm grateful for.  I don't mind the regular pregnancy announcements nearly as much as I minded people nagging me about it.  It's not like I'm infertile on purpose!

Speaking of infertility.  I'm 36 now, so technically I'm infertile after 6 months of trying, right?  But when we started, it wasn't too far past my 35th birthday, and we're about to hit the 1-year milestone next week, so I guess I'm definitely infertile now.  Yay for labels!

Nothing happening

I haven't really been writing because nothing has really been happening.  I'm waiting for my period to start, which in normal circumstances would happen at the end of this week, but because of the post-surgery estrogen patches it may be a little late.  On the one hand, I want it to be on time so my schedule will continue uninterrupted and I can immediately start testing for ovulation (well, by immediately, I mean 12 days after it starts).  I'm also a little impatient to see what it will be like now that I am 10 fibroids lighter.  However, I decided to have a bunch of people over for a dinner party and Mario Kart 64 competition this Saturday, so if my period is still heavy and painful, I would prefer for it to wait until after the party.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm assuming I ovulated sometime in the last week or so, so it's also possible I may be pregnant.  Hahahahahahaha.

Oh yeah!  I had an allergic reaction to the patches this weekend!  The patches that came off 10 days previously.  I suspect that I didn't get all of the adhesive off (I can still see some of it in a few spots) and for some reason my skin decided to react.  I have very sensitive skin, but I honestly wasn't expecting a reaction this long after removal.  So that was cool.  Not.

Mondays

I actually had a pretty good weekend, aside from our dogs going a bit wild in our man-cave/spare room/media room/possible future baby room.  I mostly stopped bleeding.  It's so light right now I can barely even tell, which is awesome because...  well, I'm tired of bleeding.

I've started exercising again.  It's frustrating because I used to be able to do a lot of the stuff I can't do know, but at the same time, it feels good to be working on getting back to that again.  I went outdoor rock-climbing with my husband, my sister, and my sister's family this weekend.  It was a beautiful day, the trees were all (FINALLY) changing color, and it was so nice to be outside.  The adults climbed while the kids played (and went through my backpack and purse and my husband's wallet, which was actually quite amusing).  I could just barely keep up with everyone else, since I've taken a two-week break, and my arms are killing me today.  But it was soooo good to get outside!

I did a bunch of work around the house, including fixing a broken sprinkler line.  For some reason, the line that I broke is connected directly to the main water source for our house instead of through a separate connection like the rest of our sprinkler lines, so I had to turn off the main water valve in order to fix it, and it had to stay off for a few hours while I bailed water out of the area, dug out the entire line where it was broken, cleaned everything off, and then repaired it.  My neighbor's house is empty, so I occasionally walked over there to wash my hands as necessary, and luckily Kaiser called while my hands were actually clean.  My next surgery (that I really, really don't want to have) will most likely happen in January.  I'm hoping there will be nothing left that needs to be removed, so that recovery will be short and we can move straight on to trying drugs.

My husband brought up IVF on his own, and is actually considering it now.  He has a coworker who used it to get pregnant.  His coworker is 50 (or thereabouts) and his wife is somewhere between 40 and 50, and it took them several tries to get pregnant.  (His coworker was our wedding photographer, and they were due sometime after the wedding, so the baby has been born, and we haven't actually seen our wedding photographs yet because he's been quite busy).  They referred to the pregnancy as their $40,000 baby.   Obviously, that scared my husband quite a bit.  I hadn't realized that was at the root of his reluctance to use IVF.  Obviously, we're going to try on our own until after my next surgery, but by then hopefully we'll have a better idea of what we want to do.  I really don't want to have to use IVF, but I also don't want to spend a year trying while my fertility dwindles away and then have him decide that he wants to do it after all.

And in other news, I still haven't found my wallet. No charges have been made on any of my cards, so I'm pretty sure it's either in the house or in the garbage.  I'm requesting replacement cards today, but I want to wait a wee bit for my driver's license, since that will unfortunately cost money to replace.  Why do I have to be so scatter-brained?

Still bleeding

I had my period during the week leading up to my surgery.  Then I had a week of post-surgery bleeding due to the stent.  I had the stent removed Wednesday, and the bleeding continued, so I emailed my doctor yesterday and he told me I could expect bleeding for another 2-3 weeks.  I'm SO TIRED of bleeding.

Anyway, my AMH level is 0.85 (which is a DRASTIC difference from the test I had in May/June when it was 1.35).  That level is in ng/ml, but I converted it to pmol/l and that number is 6.069.  Which is at about the 25th percentile for a 36-year-old woman.  Which actually isn't as bad as I thought.  (I'm using this chart for those of you interested in where I'm getting my statistics).  My doctor seemed to think going straight to IVF was the best option, assuming we were planning to try IVF at some point.

Here is where things get a little tough.  I'm not AT ALL excited about IVF, mostly because it's expensive and there are no guarantees, but also because it just sounds like a lot to be doing to myself (shots and meds and horomones and whatnot).  I will obviously be bearing the brunt of this myself.  I personally think our IVF options aren't all that expensive - $7000-$10,000 per try if we use my eggs, which are still viable, but I think there are ways of making it less expensive.  I'm not willing to take out loans, though.  We already have enough student loans to take on any more debt.  However, if we are going to try IVF, I'd rather just get to it and not deal with months of waiting and injecting myself and whatnot.  My eggs aren't getting any younger.

My husband, on the other hand, is dead set against IVF.  He keeps saying "we don't have that kind of money".  That's true.  We don't.  But we definitely spend money on things we don't need to, and we could save that kind of money more quickly than he realizes.  But I'm beginning to think he doesn't want children as much as he originally thought, especially considering he doesn't actually have to do all that much in order to have them, other than not spend money on all of the frivolous things he likes to spend money on.

So now I'm wondering how much I should plan to do.  Should I go through with a second surgery?

I'm back!

So I had surgery last Wednesday.  It went well!  They were planning to remove the 2 or 3 fibroids that they thought I had.  They ended up removing 10!  So the surgery itself lasted 2.5 hours instead of only 1 hour, but my uterus should be pretty clean now.  The surgeon inserted a stent to keep my uterus open while it healed.

Recovery sucked.  The stent caused really awful cramping and backaches.  For the first few days, I didn't feel well enough to do much of anything, except for get up to go to the bathroom.  I lay in bed, my husband brought me food, and I tried not to think too much about what the rest of the house looked like.  Mornings were especially bad, at least until the painkillers really started kicking in.  I got the stent removed yesterday (not fun, but in the overall scheme of things, not horible).  It's 8 days later, and I'm finally back at work and feeling like a human again.

Unfortunately, during the time I was out 1) My dogs knocked my laptop off of my dresser and it is now dead, 2) My really expensive racing bicycle was stolen from my garage, and 3) I misplaced my wallet.  I'm fairly certain it's in the house, since I didn't leave the house that day, but I could kick myself for taking it out of my purse and then putting it... somewhere else, apparently.  I vaguely remember thinking that it wasn't a good idea to not be putting it back in my purse, but apparently I didn't listen to myself and now it is gone.  I have been tearing the house apart trying to find it.  I am at a complete loss.

On the fertility front, the doctor wants to go back in sometime after mid-December to make sure there isn't a lot of scarring, and that the fibroids are gone and there is enough uterine cavity space for a baby to get started.  I got the results of my AMH test - it is 0.85, which is not good :(  Combined with an FSH of around 12, well...  I'm not going to get my hopes up. 

The doctor has instructed us to keep trying before my next surgery, and if I do happen to get pregnant, then we'll know this surgery worked.  If I don't get pregnant, I'll have the second surgery and then move on to a combination of pills and injectables.  And I have also been instructed to begin testing for ovulation once my next cycle begins.  I'm VERY excited about that, as I really want to know what is going on.

Pre-op

So I had my pre-op appointment this morning.  I was right on time, but the doctor was 40 minutes late.  He told me that they no longer give him any say over how long appointments are, and they don't usually give him enough time.  He did an ultrasound, and we got to see my fibroids again.  One is definitely an issue, and two are quite questionable.  I also had a large cyst on one ovary, and a small cyst on the other.  We looked at my MRI results again, and he told me he was definitely taking out the big centrally located fibroid, and the other two were maybes.  He doesn't want to remove too much of the uterine lining all at once, and the other two are definitely smaller and not in the way as much, so he might want to take them out in another surgery.  However, one of the smaller ones is so close to the big one that may have to come out as well, and he may end up having to go in laproscopically because it is so close to the uterine wall.  All of these maybes!  I'll just be happy to have the procedure over with.  Afterwards, I'll be on vicodin, antibiotics, anti-nausea meds, and estrogen.  I'll be a veritable pharmacy!

I will also have a stent, aka balloon, in my uterus for a week.  Apparently, this is likely to cause cramping, and possibly nausea as well.  Hooray.  And Halloween is Friday and I'm determined to something sorta fun.  We've been invited to a party.  I want to go, but I'm not sure D is as excited as I am.  It will (probably) be a pretty low-key party, so I really want to go.  Lots of my nerdy friends will be there.  We can have nerdy conversations.  It will be awesome!  I will probably not feel like partying, though.  I'm guessing I will also not be allowed to drink.  Which is probably good for me.

I've been told to be at the surgery center at 9:45, and my doctor told me that my surgery is scheduled for 11:30, although he thinks his first surgery will run long.  I would really, really like to not get stuck in commute traffic on my way home.  That's all I really want.  I'm missing our work luncheon tomorrow, and this is the first time everyone voted to go to my favorite restaurant, but I'll be ok with missing that as long as the ride home is traffic-free.  But I'm guessing I'll be so out of it that I won't notice anyway.

OK, time to get my timecard done and submitted so that I don't have to worry about it while I'm out. 

Pre-pre-op

So tomorrow is my pre-op appointment and surgery is Wednesday, so today is my only "normal" day of the week.  The one thing that I'm REALLY happy about is that I get to stay in bed for three days without feeling guilty at all.  Assuming that my animals aren't too annoying, it's going to be great.  I'll be SO happy to get this over with, especially since my period this time was fairly heavy.  I can't wait to have better periods.

I had bloodwork yesterday, and I'm so glad I chose yesterday to go in.  The phlebotomist told me that the day before, the wait to get blood drawn was an hour!  I was the only person there when I arrived.  I just got a few results back.  The main blood counts all look pretty normal, and apparently the doctor checked my progesterone.  It was CD3, so I'm not sure why he did that, but the result was less than 0.2.  (Apparently I can't use the "less than" symbol or my blog goes haywire.).  Anyway, I have no idea what that number means.  It seems awfully low, but it's only CD3, and I'm hardly the expert.

My husband took both Wednesday and Thursday off.  I'm not sure it's the best idea, considering how slowly he earns time off, but he's looking forward to it too.  I'm sure it will involve a lot of xbox.  Oh, how I hate the xbox.  He says he will spend Thursday working in the yard.  I hope he means it!

I keep forgetting that today is my "short" day at work, so I get to go home at 4.  That also makes me happy.  As well as all the work I did this weekend on the house, which included cleaning out our closet and really straightening our bedroom, building a "dog door" between the sunroom and the dog run (because another neighbor is complaining, and I am SICK AND TIRED OF OLD WOMEN WHO STAY HOME ALL DAY), and hanging the giant projector screen we bought with a gift card we got for the wedding.  Also, I managed to locate most of our wedding presents!  It's only been 4 months since the wedding, so probably time to get those unpacked and find homes for them.

Cramps

So I started today.  Or I guess yesterday.  I had some light flow yesterday, and my cramps got worse towards the end of the day.  I can't take any painkillers other than tylenol.  I usually take 3 Aleve to start, and then another one or two every two hours until my cramps subside to a manageable level, but now I'm stuck with Tylenol because of my upcoming surgery.  Today is not going to go well.

My husband and I were going to ride our motorcycles to work today, since it's supposed to be 80 degrees, but when we got up it was cold and foggy.  Combined with my cramps and our exhaustion, we decided to just carpool instead, and I'm so glad we did.  People were driving like maniacs!

So our dog run has not proved as successful as we had hoped, at least so far anyway.  I left work early on Wednesday to get my fall garden in before it started raining and then I had surgery and then it would be too cold/wet to do anything.  I arrived home to discover both dogs napping on the patio, on the wrong side of the dog run enclosure.  They had chewed through the end of one of the boards that make up the gate until they managed to dislodge it, and then they were free!  The next morning, D and I added extra boards so they wouldn't have room to squeeze their heads in and chew on things.  Arrived home yesterday to Apollo running around the back yard.  Apparently, he managed to squeeze through somewhere, and Lola is bigger so she was stuck in jail still.  This morning, D reinforced the entire fence with some extra pallets we have, a temporary measure until we can figure something else out.

More gratuitous pictures of Apollo.  This is the day we brought him home from the shelter.  He was skin and bones:

Here are a few picture showing how absolutely ridiculous he is:

He will fall asleep in the WEIRDEST positions.  He's a lot chubbier now, so I'm a little surprised he can still squeeze through the fence, but I guess that's something we're going to have to deal with, considering that on Sunday, while we were out buying supplies for the dog run, he got into my garden by squeezing through the fence and then went on a destruction spree in the lettuce and kale.  I was NOT happy.

Anyway, I'm disappointed but not at all surprised that I'm not pregnant this cycle, but I'm SO happy that I'm having surgery now and I don't have to wait another two months.  My doctor kept mentioning how all of these women he's treated had fibroids and he removed them and they were pregnant within 3 months.  So I'll just be keeping my fingers crossed.

Surprise!

I just got a phone call from the surgery center.  I was expecting them to say that December was open and they could schedule me, but they had a cancellation next week!  And I'm taking it!  I just had my phone appointment, and I'll have my pre-op on Tuesday morning, then surgery Wednesday.  As much as I really, really, really don't want to have surgery, I'm SO happy that I can get it over with and hopefully get back to normal.

I think my monthly funtime may also be starting a bit early, so there's that.  Weird.  But yay!  Surgery!

Spotting :(

I had a bit of spotting this morning.  My rational mind is telling me that it's the precursor to my monthly funtime, which is scheduled to start this weekend.  My ridiculously hopeful mind thinks "maybe it's implantation spotting!"  So yeah. 

In (m)other news, my mom fell AGAIN yesterday afternoon.  My sister had to drive back to her house and enlist a neighbor to help get my mom up because she insisted on not having 911 called again.  She thinks the new painkillers her doctor gave her are too strong and causing her to not be able to walk.  I just don't know.  At least she starts physical therapy next week, which I am SO grateful for.  She doesn't get any exercise at all, and has apparently gained 30 pounds in the last year or two, and she was obese before that.  I called her last night and got an earful about how my brother is so much better than I am because he's already called several times, and then we got into it about Christmas and how I'll be going to my husband's family's house for Christmas Eve because they don't celebrate Christmas Day, and my mom's family celebrates both days, so D and I will spend all of Christmas Day with her.  Considering I work on Christmas Eve, so I will only be spending a few hours with D's family, I think she's getting the better end of the bargain.  She demanded both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and when I said no, she suggested the D goes to his family's house and I go to her house.  I tried explaining that D is also my family now, but she wasn't really listening.  ARGH.

Anyway, this is not a family issues blog!  So continuing on with my story of Monday, I finally bit the bullet and bought new jeans.  Since I got engaged, or even before that really, I've put on 10-15 pounds that I haven't been able to get rid of (well, I actually put on 20 pounds, but I lost some and then plateaued).  I can't fit into my pants anymore.  I've been wearing skirts and dresses not-stop for over a year now.  It's bad.  I don't have time to exercise more, although I ride my bike to work almost every day, 8.6 miles round trip.  I don't eat a lot (at least, I like to think so, but really, we don't keep junk food in the house, I rarely snack, and I think my meals are pretty healthy most of the time).  My cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressure, and BMI are normal, although my BMI is inching closer to overweight.  I know I'm getting older and my body isn't going to be the same, but gosh darn it, it's driving me crazy!  I just want to fit into my clothes!

Just went to the bathroom.  Still spotting.  Huzzah.  I think I will try calling again about my surgery that may or may not ever happen.  Even though I think it's not the only problem, and quite possibly not the problem at all.  I wish I could get a total idea of what is happening with my cycle.  

Quick Update

Because this isn't a blog about What I Did With My Weekend!  Right now I'm on CD 25, as far as I can tell, hence the title of the previous post.  In the last 11 months of being on birth control, at least after the first few cycles, I've always started spotting before my monthly funtime, often as early as CD 21 or 22.  So far this cycle, there hasn't been ANY spotting.  This makes me happy!

What doesn't make me happy: My mother.  She is emotionally abusive, narcissistic, manipulative, and selfish.  She's also getting old and not taking care of herself.  It's a very long story, and I'm not going to get into it right now, but she's getting to the point where she CAN'T take care of herself.  It makes me angry that she's let herself get this way, but I can't force her to take care of herself, so there's not a lot I can do.  I spent a long time putting off what I wanted in order to make her happy, and I'm not really ok with doing that anymore.  She was actually the person who caused me to think that I never wanted kids.  When I was very young, probably around 6 or 7, I was scared of getting blood drawn, and her response was "well, then you shouldn't have kids, when you get pregnant they'll be putting needles in your arm all the time".  Who says that to a little kid???

The reason I bring this up is that my sister just told me that my mother fell and couldn't get up and the fire department had to be called to help.  Obviously the situation is deteriorating.  My husband and I aren't wealthy, and I'm at a complete loss about what to do.

CD 25

My monthly funtime is due at the end of the week, assuming I'm not pregnant.  I started feeling what might be the beginning of cramps this morning.  Eh.  I'm not feeling as hopeful these days as I used to.

My weekend was NUTS.  Saturday, we took the dogs to the dog park and they ran around and had a GREAT time, but as we were getting ready to leave, I was holding onto our larger dog, Lola, while D tried to corral our (slightly) smaller but more rambunctious dog, Apollo.  Once he got a hold of Apollo, Lola decided to try to take off , and as I held onto her leash, I stumbled and landed on big pointy root that was sticking out of the ground, bruising the bottom of my foot and twisting my ankle.  Luckily, it wasn't that bad, but wearing normal shoes still hurts a bit.  I've been wearing sandals and flats for the most part, but it's so cold in the mornings!

Gratuitous picture of our puppies (sorry it's blurry, my phone sucks):

Apollo is the tan one lying on his side, and Lola is using his butt as a pillow, which is a rather dangerous place to be considering how gassy he gets.


We spent Sunday prepping to build a dog run on the side of our yard.  We bought all of the materials then D started digging the post holes while I cleaned up the area where the dog run would be and started working on the fall garden beds.  The previous owners of our house sure buried some WEIRD things in the yard.  Luckily we had arranged for a bulky waste pickup this morning, so we managed to throw out all of that junk.

By Sunday night, we had only gotten the posts in and constructed the gate - the fence was still in pieces though.  I dragged the saw out to the backyard and starting cutting the boards while D screwed them into place.  A friend of mine who moved to the City over the summer stopped by to visit and somehow the topic of D's last name came up.  He has a hyphenated last name, and the DMV in our state doesn't allow hyphens, which for some reason makes him REALLY angry.  Somehow we got on that topic and he got irate and started yelling, and I could tell my friend was worried.  I need to talk to him a bit about his anger issues.  Generally, he's very easy-going and doesn't get mad easily, but having issues with his name can cause him to lose it.  I'm tired of explaining to people that he's not really a jerk, he's just sensitive about his name.  Sheesh.  And we only got 3 out of the 10 cross-pieces up before the battery in the drill started dying and we had to turn in for the night.

So I had yesterday off from work, which was sooo nice.  I went to the mall with my sister, which I almost never do on a weekday.  It was so empty!  I can get kind of panicky when there are a lot of people in an enclosed space, so it was heavenly.  And I was returning some wedding gifts, so I had money to shop with too.  The only downside to going on a weekday was how many pregnant women there were :(  But a significant portion of the kids were there with their fathers and not their mothers, which made me smile.  We also went to Home Depot to buy more soil for my garden, which I was hoping to get finished yesterday.  Hahahahaha.  But we did get the fence finished!  The dogs are locked up in their very own dog run today!  Don't worry, they have PLENTY of room.  We have what is basically a double lot, and since we're at the back corner of a cul-de-sac our front yard is tiny and our backyard is HUGE.  The area that we've sectioned off for the dogs is almost as big as most of my neighbors' entire yard, and we'll barely even miss it.  But let me tell you, my back and legs are killing me.  It was all I could do to bike to work this morning, I'm not sure how I'm going to get home.

Anyway, taking a few days off from writing really seems to get me writing a lot!  In other, more baby-related news (since dogs are not babies, after all), my best friend started trying to get pregnant a few months before we did.  She's a year older than me, and her husband is 46, and they now have a 3-and-a-half month old.  My sister told me yesterday that she has been wanting to offer some of their extra stuff to me, but she's worried about upsetting me since I don't have a baby.  I'm not sure what to say.  On the one hand, I'm not really that upset and I appreciate the gesture a lot.  On the other hand, we don't have a baby, there's no baby in sight, and we don't have a huge house, so I hate storing stuff for the merest possibility.

OK, I think this is long enough, time to wrap up...

Still nothing

I hate dealing with scheduling things when no one answers the phone or ever calls back.  So I just called again, and someone answered!  Turns out the regular scheduler is away and someone is filling in and she actually answers the phone.  Unfortunately, there are still no appointments open.  So I will continue waiting.  Hopefully by the end of next week I will either 1) have an appointment for surgery and/or 2) be pregnant naturally (HAHAHA).  Keep your fingers crossed!

Oh, so I temped for a few months and then did OPKs for two months, using cheap testing strips I got from the interwebs.  Temping was somewhat inconclusive, but my temperatures at the end of my cycle were definitely higher than the beginning, and there was a definite drop-off right before my period, indicating that I had in fact ovulated (I think).  Based on my charts, the first doctor I saw, an ob-gyn resident, seemed to think I was ovulating around CD 24 or 25.  I asked her if that was normal, and she had no idea.  I never got a positive using the OPKs, but I don't know if that was user error, the fact that they are a cheap internet purchase, or because I never in fact ovulated.  I'm a fairly rational, scientific person.  I want to continue testing, both temperature and using the rest of my leftover pee sticks and/or buying better ones (Clear Blue?) online.  My husband is adamantly against this.  He thinks we should just let the doctors figure it all out for us and stop worrying about it.

I guess I'll wait until I have surgery and see what happens.  But I hate not knowing what's going on.

I am an idiot

It's payday for my husband, and we often leave the house early and go to our favorite coffee shop on payday, get our favorite coffees (I get a mocha thai - it's unbelievably good), and hang out for a while before work.  Last night, I was super exhausted by 8:30 so I went into the bedroom to read for a bit before bed.  After a while, my husband managed to corral the dogs and get them settled for the night, and I didn't want to disturb them in case they woke up and started making a ton of noise again, so when I realized I'd left my phone in the other room, I decided to not worry about it since my husband's alarm would wake me up anyway.

So this morning I remembered that I had that super long off-site meeting and I checked my phone to make sure the battery was ok, and it was really low so I plugged it in to charge while I was getting ready.  When I was ready to go, we went and got coffee and spent longer than we should have at the coffee shop, and as we were leaving for work, I realized that I had forgotten my phone.  And we don't live far from downtown, but it's raining so traffic is awful and we definitely didn't have time to go back.  And I've been hoping for a return call from Kaiser, and I don't know if they will call my work phone because of privacy issues, even though I keep leaving them the number (I have a direct line!).  So now I will have no idea if they called until after 5.  DRAT.

OK, that was a long story to explain why I'm an idiot.  In other news, I had a dream last night that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  But then I realized that I was looking at it upside-down and when I turned it over, it was negative.  I have no idea how they might actually happen in the real world, since that's not really how pregnancy tests work.  It was a little disappointing.

And my "different" feelings have disappeared, notably my recent back pain and things tasting really weird.  I have a REALLY retroverted uterus, so I feel womanly pains in my back in addition to my lower belly area.  It's awesome trying to decide which area needs the heating pad more!  But seriously, the heated seats in our car are especially nice at that time of the month when my back hurts so bad.  If we ever get another car, the only thing I really care about is having heated seats.

At least my garden is doing well, my husband and I have definitive plans to build a dog run this weekend to keep the dogs from destroying the back yard, and I had a free health assessment at work yesterday and all my results were good.  So yay!

Trying to schedule surgery

The surgery coordinator/scheduler told me two weeks ago to call back in 2-3 weeks if hadn't heard from her.  I haven't heard anything, so I tried calling today.  As usual it went straight to voicemail.  I doubt I will get a call back, so I will try again tomorrow.  Her hours are on weekdays from 8:30 to 12:30, and I have an off-site meeting tomorrow from 9 to 11, which has a high probability of running long, so we'll see what happens.  I'll bring my cell phone in case I have a chance to call, I guess.

I'm hoping that we won't need to go this route.  I really don't want to have surgery.  I especially don't want to wait until December to have surgery.  I wish my doctors were more open to more tests before immediately resorting to surgery.  I wish I had more options, but our health insurance system makes that impossible.  So I'm hoping for a nice, easy, natural conception sometime in the next two months, because it's totally worked out so well in the last 11 cycles...

I finally had a good weekend

Not that I've had bad weekends per se, but I've been working so much lately, including on the weekends.  This weekend my husband and I dropped the dogs off for their first stay at a dog hotel, and headed off on our motorcycles for a wedding brunch and then camping on the coast with his parents.  The coast was beautiful, and I'm excited to know that motorcycle camping is not only doable, it's easy!  It makes me feel good that if we aren't able to start a family, we'll still have good times together.

We returned home yesterday to a very quiet house, since only the two cats stayed home.  Well, I should say when we returned home it WASN'T that quiet, since I opened the door and heard water running and just about freaked out.  Luckily, it wasn't a leak, but the kitchen faucet was running full blast.  Apparently one of the cats has figured out how to turn it on.  In the middle of a drought.  So now we have to dog-proof AND cat-proof.

My husband worried quite a bit about our older dog, Lola.  She's almost a year old, so she's not really older, but she seems to have had a traumatic time before we adopted her from the shelter, and when she gets scared, she won't eat or play or do anything really.  He thought she might be traumatized by being in a shelter-like environment, but both dogs were super happy when we picked them up.  Their report cards said that Lola was a sweetheart and spent a lot of time just hanging out with the people or relaxing during playgroup.  Apollo, our 7-month-old, had to have a time-out because he was harassing other dogs.  I'm not sure if he was humping them or just being annoying, but he can get very exuberant at playtime.  He's not aggressive or mean, he just REALLY wants to play.  A bonus was that they slept all night out in the sunroom, so we got a good night's sleep.

In other news, I feel like I might actually be ovulating right now.  Maybe.  I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant (with a girl, btw, and I was disappointed, but I don't know if I was disappointed that I knew the sex or that it was a girl.  I don't think I'll be able to talk my husband into it, but I'd prefer not to learn the sex if we ever do get pregnant).  I'm hoping it was a prophetic dream.

I got back in!

I somehow got logged out and couldn't remember my password to get back in.  I entered every password I could think of, but nothing worked, so I gave up for a bit because I've been SOOO busy at work (14.5 hours on my day off!).  I just tried again, and I'm back!  Woohoo!

So I saw the doctor two weeks ago about the MRI.  It was a strange appointment in a way.  I definitely have fibroids, and he definitely wants to take them out.  He also mentioned that he could see follicles.  That seemed awfully weird for the end of my cycle, so I emailed him later, and he said follicles were good.  So I just don't know.  Maybe they're the shriveled up follicles that didn't mature? 

I also have a cyst in my liver.  Awesome.  Could potentially be dangerous if I get pregnant.  Super awesome.  He called another doctor while I was there, who said they usually ignore asymptomatic liver cysts, so I guess that's that for now.

So the surgery scheduler called me a week ago and said that they were pretty much booked for November, and December wasn't open for scheduling yet, but she'd see if she could squeeze me in.  She asked if I would be willing to take a cancellation and how much notice I would need, and I told her one day.  She said she'd finish scheduling everyone who was ahead of me and see where I could fit in, and I should call her back in two or three weeks if I hadn't heard from her.  If I don't hear from her by next Wednesday, I will probably call.  I really, really don't want to have surgery, but if I DO have to have surgery, I want to get it over with.

Just keeping my fingers crossed that this month is the month.  That would put delivery at the end of July, when it's hot as hades around here (but thankfully not humid), but at this point I'll take it.  I'm tired of feeling like we're in limbo.

Cramps. Yay! Yay?

So I've started cramping and (I think) a bit of spotting.  It seems my monthly funtime is on its way.  Yay!  But at least I probably didn't accidentally kill my non-existent baby! 

Tomorrow morning is my big appointment, where I will hopefully know a ton more.  I'm looking forward to it, not only to get the info, but also so I can sleep in a bit and get to work late.

Terrified

I had my MRI on Thursday.  It really, really sucked.  I am sort of claustrophobic.  It's not that small spaces scare me, I'm more scared of being stuck, so being in the tube wasn't too bad, since I felt like I could just reach up and pull myself out if I needed to.  It was FREEZING inside, so it was really hard to keep still since I was practically shivering.  I also had dye injected, which I did not realize was going to happen.

They made me take all my piercings out, which was really awful.  I've had my tragus (the little piece of cartilage by your ear, but is really attached to the side of your face, if that makes any sense at all) pierced for about 20 months.  I really didn't think it would be a big deal to take it out, but I couldn't get it back in afterwards.  I also couldn't get my nose ring (pierced for only 3 weeks!  I would have waited if I'd known!) back in, so I decided to wait until Friday and go to the piercing shop to have my jewelry reinserted, especially since I wanted to get a different piece for my tragus anyway.  Well, apparently the tragus is one of the locations where the hole shrinks really, really quickly.  She had a REALLY hard time getting it back in, and it really hurt.  And then two days later I woke up in the morning and it was so swollen I couldn't even see the ring.  I cleaned it really well, and it's fine now, but dang, that was a terrible experience.

And now I'm absolutely terrified that perhaps I actually did get pregnant this cycle and now our baby is going to be mutated since I had an MRI.  I haven't spotted at all, which is weird for me this far into my cycle.  But I honestly didn't think I had even ovulated yet.  I don't even know what's going on anymore.  Right now I'm on cycle day 25, so only a few more days and I'll know for sure.  Also I have my follow-up on Thursday, so I should know a lot more then.

Happy birthday to the wonderful man in my life

Today is my husband's 34th birthday.  He's the best thing that ever happened to me.  He's loving, kind, funny, handsome, and does so much for me that my heart just about bursts thinking about it.  Every weekend, he gets up early and goes and gets coffee and bagels while I stay in bed.  EVERY WEEKEND.  He's really the best.  Tonight we're going out for all-you-can-eat sushi and then fancy gelato, and this weekend we're going to a beer-fest and then having a barbecue at our place afterwards.

I'm excited because finally when I go to the doctor, they won't think my husband is 3 years younger than me when he's really only 2 years younger.  Also, I get all-you-can-eat sushi and it's not even my birthday!

So tomorrow is my MRI.  I'm not nervous, other than the fact that there's a 1% chance I might be pregnant and the MRI probably isn't good for that.  I don't think I'm pregnant, though, because as far as I can tell I haven't ovulated.  I don't understand how that can happen, but there you have it. I haven't had anything that could possibly count as a positive on an ovulation predictor test yet.  I don't even know what cycle day I'm on anymore, since it doesn't really seem to matter (I think maybe 19?  Yup, it's 19).  I have the follow-up with my doctor next week.  and then after that I can hopefully get surgery scheduled for early-to-mid November, and the maybe start trying for a baby before the new year.  If it all works out and I'm pregnant by December/January, I'll be extremely pregnant when it's over 100 degrees around here, which is the one thing I wanted to avoid, but at this point, if that's the way it's going to work, I'll take it.

Good news! I think, anyway...

My doctor's appointment yesterday went well.  At first, the doctor wasn't convinced that I had fibroids, although he agreed that there were some abnormalities, and that fibroids were possible.  He showed me my ovaries, and how out of all of the follicles on the right (that I couldn't even see last week) one had taken the lead and had grown quite large, and the others remained small.  He did remark that the winner was a bit large for only CD12, he thought it looked more like CD 16.  He showed me one of the large arteries in my abdomen, and asked if I was a runner.  He said he could tell by the size of the artery.  It made me miss running, but considering how much my ankle was hurting on Monday when I wasn't even doing anything, I don't know if I'll ever get back to running.

So after the ultrasound, we went to his office to talk.  He looked at my husband's test results and said everything looked fine.  He looked at my FSH, and wasn't too concerned.  Considering one number was 11.7 and one was 12.8 (I might be slightly off there, I can't remember exactly) and they were taken at the SAME TIME, he said being slightly high didn't matter, especially since my AMH was normal and I had a reasonable number of follicles.  He never would have guessed that my FSH would be that high after looking at my ovaries.  After looking at the pictures from my HSG, he said there were definitely some abnormalities and considering everything else was normal, the only reason he would think that we're not pregnant by now is because the abnormalities are likely fibroids.  He thought surgery was the way to go, but he explained that there are different kinds of surgeries depending on the location and type of fibroids, and now he wants to schedule me for an MRI so we can get a better idea of how to proceed.  So now I'm waiting for a call to schedule that.  Hopefully it won't be crazy expensive.

I really liked this doctor a LOT.  Let me list the reasons:

1. Now that I'm treating fibroids rather than getting specific infertility treatment, he had them charge me for a regular appointment, which is covered at the regular rate by insurance rather than the 50% copay I would have owed for an infertility appointment.

2. He kept getting confused about my age and thinking that I was 31 instead of 36.  He said I looked really young for my age (which is true, but I also don't wear makeup or wear business clothes for work, which tends to make me look younger).  This could end up being a bad thing if he keeps forgetting that I'm actually in a bit of a hurry to start a family as I don't have a ton of time left, but right now it's nice.

3. I weighed 3 pounds less than last week!  (Obviously the doctor had nothing to do with this, but it still made my appointment better).  AND my blood pressure was finally back down in the normal range.  After suffering from low blood pressure for most of my life, sometime in the last two years my blood pressure has been borderline high.  I don't really know what's causing that.

Anyway, now I'm waiting for the phone to ring to schedule my MRI.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  I'm going to have to develop some patience.

Waiting again :(

Well, the doctor (surgeon?) with whom I was supposed to have a follow-up today got back from vacation and cleared his afternoons for the week, so my appointment was rescheduled for Saturday.  Now, I know that infertility treatment often involves weekend appointments, but I would prefer not to have weekend appointments unless they're absolutely necessary.  But that's the next available appointment, and I don't want to put surgery off for too long, so I'm taking it.

I've been keeping up on my OPKs still.  I guess I forgot to tell my husband, because he cleaned the bathroom and threw away my pee cup.  I think he was a little taken aback when I came into the kitchen demanding to know where my pee cup was.  He told me he thought it was for drinking and he threw it away.  I really hope he didn't use it to drink water out of!  Anyway, yesterday was cycle day... 10.  I had to stop for a second and count.  I forgot to pee until 10 last night, and I'm trying to keep it between 5 and 6 in the evening, but I completely forgot.  Anyway, no positive yet.  I know it doesn't matter, but it would be nice to know that I'm doing SOMETHING right.

So now I have to wait until Saturday.  Ugh.

Edit: Well, they called and rescheduled my appointment AGAIN.  It's tomorrow!  Yay!  Hopefully I'll have more answers soon!  Must remember to print out my AMH results tonight, as they have apparently gone astray...

Well, that was somewhat reassuring

I had my RE appointment on Wednesday.  My husband wasn't able to come with me, which turned out to be ok.  The appointment went fairly well, I suppose.  The doctor agreed that my FSH was higher than ideal, but he didn't think it would pose a huge problem, so that made me feel a bit better.  He did an ultrasound and showed me my innards (it looks like black blobs with white lines; I couldn't even figure out what he was looking at when he was counting follicles).  My ovaries are both there (yay!) and between them I had 9 follicles (which I think is good).

The biggest issue, and what he thinks is causing our problems, is that I have several fibroids, none of which is particularly large, but at least one of which is in a spot that is probably making conceiving quite difficult.  He suggested removing it, without even doing a hysteroscopy to take a look around first considering how long it can take to schedule surgery (5-6 weeks) and how old I am (I don't want to talk about it).  So I have a follow-up on Tuesday with the doctor who will likely be doing the actual surgery, so he can take a second look and make sure going straight to surgery is a good idea.  Considering all of the tests I've had in the past, including ultrasounds with a full bladder (so much fun!) and a hysteroscopy 4 years ago, I have a feeling surgery will be a go and sometime in late October these damn fibroids that make my life so miserable every month will finally be gone.  I can't wait!

Even if we never end up having a child, I'm hoping that removing the fibroids will at the very least result in much more reasonable periods.

So I'm not suffering from PCOS, and my ovaries aren't QUITE that old and dried-up (although the doctor did say there are some clinics who wouldn't even try helping me because my FSH results would risk their stellar success records), and I can actually do something about what is likely to be the main problem, and I'm feeling pretty good about it.  I'm just hoping I can get an appointment that's not the day before Halloween (they do surgeries on Thursdays), so I can try to enjoy it a bit this year.  As soon as I figure out my costume.

Edit: I forgot to mention ovulation.  I mentioned it to the doctor.  He told me it didn't really matter whether I'm ovulating or not, because once the fibroid(s) is/are gone, the medication I'll be on will make me ovulate either way.  And he doesn't really trust the at-home kits anyway. So I'll continue testing for my own scientific purposes, and not worry about the results.

It's that time of the month again

Just got back from a mostly lovely labor day weekend in the mountains.  We ended up coming home a little early because the dogs tore a hole in the tent, but overall it was a really nice weekend, and I'm happy I had the opportunity to spend some time outdoors.

We ended up leaving early due to the tent issue.  It's a 4.5-5 hour drive, and we left at 8:15 pm.  I hadn't had very much to drink yet (I was cooking, so I was waiting until campfire time) so I ended up driving first.  Even though I had taken quite a few painkillers, my cramps were so bad that I ended up pulling over on the side of the freeway so my husband could drive.  It was awful.  I'm not enjoying the return of 3 days of excruciating cramps, although the extremely heavy bleeding has not returned.  I don't know if I should be happy or worried about this.  I guess I'll talk to the doctor when I go in tomorrow.

I'm getting a little frustrated with friends who I've talked to about my infertility problems.  Most of them are the exact opposite of helpful, and say things like "well, remember X and Y who had problems and then they got pregnant the old-fashioned way in a few months?  I'm sure you just need more time!"  Right.  Because having slow sperm when you're 31 is the same as having dried-up old eggs when you're 36.  I think it's time to stop confiding in people.  My husband wants to talk to everyone about it, and in theory I'm on board with more openness, but telling people we're having problems makes them think that the problems are solvable.  I'm not quite ready to tell people that my 3-day FSH level was high, which means bad things for my eggs.  That kind of detail seems a bit TMI.

Anyway, for my records, here's how this period is going:

Days -5 through -7: spotting (light)
Days -4 through day 0: nothing!
Day 0 (Friday): nothing!  (should have been day 1, but whatever)
Day 1 (Saturday): Period starts mid-morning, very mild cramping.  Take lots of painkillers, cramping ramps up during the night
Day 2 (Sunday): Tons of blood in the morning.  Take lots of painkillers, cramping subsides until evening.  Take more painkillers, cramping is TERRIBLE.  Bleeding stops mid-afternoon.
Day 3 (Monday): Lots of cramping that tapers off towards evening.  Very little blood, none in the evening at all.
Day 4 (Tuesday): No blood overnight, but heavier bleeding this morning.  Some cramping, but tapers off after painkillers.

OK.  Whew.

Day 27

No ovulation.  Either I ovulated before day 12 (I suppose it's possible, right?) or I haven't ovulated at all.  Or the strips I bought are faulty.  I'm going with not ovulating at all.  Hooray!  I'm broken!


My  husband is very excited that his tests all came back good.  I keep trying to explain to him that having high quality sperm doesn't really matter if there isn't an egg to fertilize, but I'm not sure he gets it.

We got a bill from my old healthcare provider for $500 for the first round of tests, before I switched to an HMO.  I was not expecting that.  Yay for medical bills!  And the doctor I saw didn't even bother to test for FSH, and didn't seem to think that ovulating on day 25 was a problem (assuming that ovulation did in fact occur, considering the only charting method I was using at the time was bbt).  I hate it when I know more than my doctor.  And I get to pay $500 for the privilege!

And, just to put icing on the cake, I got an email from some friends who are older than me and who just drive me CRAZY.  (as an example of why - they expected me to do a TON of work for their wedding, which I happily did, and then they presented me with a bill for my share of the costs.  When I asked for a little bit of help for their wedding, they asked me to pay for their room. (and I mean a LITTLE bit of work - basically, start and stop the music at the wedding, that's it)  WHO DOES THAT???).  Surprise!  They're having a girl!  Yay for them!

Honestly, I'm very happy for most of my friends who are having kids.  But there are some people I have a hard time getting excited for.

First real doctor's appointment in one week.  One more opportunity for some guy I don't know to stick random things in my lady parts.  Awesome.

I don't even know how to title this

Day 21.  As of yesterday, no ovulation.  This morning I had spotting.  Well, more like quite a bit of old blood.  None of this seems quite right.  Luckily, my husband did his part of the testing this morning (FINALLY!) and I turned in our new patient questionnaire last night, so help is on the way!  Assuming, of course, that we're not already beyond help.

I suppose it's possible (but it seems highly unlikely) that I ovulated before day 12, the day when I first started testing.  Maybe next cycle I'll get more test strips and start testing earlier.  Hopefully one of these days soon I'll get to see an actual doctor!

The missing O

I'm currently tracking my ovulation using an OPK.  Well, I would be tracking it if it actually happened.  Today is CD 18.  I haven't tested yet today, but it hasn't happened yet, and I'm really hoping today is the day.

I'm beginning to suspect that I might have low progesterone.  Unfortunately, I can't talk to anyone about any of this until my husband does his test, and for some reason he isn't making it a very high priority.  I realize going to the lab takes time and effort, but I've done it SO MANY TIMES lately I'm having a hard time feeling any sympathy for him.  We both work full time - why is it so hard for him? 

Keeping my fingers crossed that we can get everything done and get in for an appointment soon...  also, that I get a positive OPK today.

HSG

Well, my HSG went well!  Although that's not what I'm worried about at all.  I had to drive out to a nearby city to have it done, because the local clinic was completely booked.  My husband has been putting off his one-year checkup after breaking his leg last year, so I pressured him into scheduling an appointment at the same time, since his doctor moved out to the clinic in the other city and I wasn't sure I'd be up to driving myself home after the HSG.  He managed to get an appointment, so the timing worked perfectly.

I was extremely worried about the HSG after reading other women's posts.  I had an endometrial biopsy four years ago that left me crying for an hour afterwards and completely unable to get myself home, with no warning beforehand from the doctor's office about how painful and difficult it would be.  When I was told to take four ibuprofen an hour before the HSG, I figured it must be worse than the biopsy.  The good news is that my uterus looks fine (other than a small fibroid, which I already knew about) and my tubes are open. So I suppose as long as I have viable eggs and my husband has good healthy swimmers (keeping my fingers crossed) I should be able to get pregnant.  Theoretically.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Waiting

In general I can be a patient person, but I really hate not knowing things.  So all of this testing is beginning to drive me crazy.  The nice thing about Kaiser is that I can see my test results pretty quickly after I have blood drawn or a urine sample taken, but I have no idea when I'm going to actually talk to someone about what all of these tests MEAN.  My best interpretation right now is that my FSH number isn't very good, but I have no idea what that entails for our chances of a successful pregnancy.  Tomorrow I go in for my HSG and who knows when I'll find out the results for that.  Or when I get to schedule an appointment to talk to a real person (preferably a doctor or nurse practitioner!).

In the meantime, my husband D has been really supportive.  I try explaining to him about what I've read, and he encourages me to be more hopeful.  He assures me that if we can't have kids, we can still do plenty of things and have full lives (his exact statement was if we can't have kids, we can get a motorcycle trailer.  Very supportive!).  I'm a little shocked by his attitude, since he's the only one who has ever brought up the subject of kids in the first place, and it was his idea to start trying before we even got engaged.  It's heartening to know that he won't be completely disappointed if we end up not being able to procreate.

In the meantime, I'm trying to be as healthy as possible.  I ride my bike to work almost every day, I'm trying to take walks on my break and take the stairs instead of the elevator (which is difficult with a messed-up ankle, but I do it when I can), and I'm eating more frutis and vegetables and a lot less junk food.  I'm also making mochas at home instead of going to coffee shops, both to be healthier and to save money.  (As an aside, where in the world do all of those calories in a frappucino come from if the drink is half ice???  My at-home mochas have about 100 calories for a grande size...) 

I knew I needed to do something about my weight when an old ankle injury started flaring up last summer, and the orthopedic surgeon said there wasn't anything he could do, but he suggested I could lose weight to help my ankle pain.  When I went in for my annual exam a month later, my NP told me she didn't want me to gain any more weight, the first time she's ever said anything negative about my health.  Guess what?  I didn't listen.  My current BMI is 23.3, down from a high of 24.7 in January, but way above my old (non-teenager) low of 21.1, which is where I'd like to be by the end of the year (it seems easier to talk in terms of BMI instead of weight, even though I know it's not always scientifically meaningful.  But I'm a pretty average-boned person, and not a weightlifter or anything, so I think it'll make sense).  Assuming I'm able to one day get pregnant, I'd like to start that pregnancy as healthy as I can be.

Here's hoping the HSG is not as painful as I'm expecting it to be.

Looking back

I recently re-read my posts from 2011 and earlier.  I'm a little shocked to realize that I was dealing with very obvious depression, and I didn't recognize it at the time.  And it's REALLY obvious.

In case you couldn't tell, that's not the case anymore.  A lot of things happened that precipitated the change, but the two big ones were my mother having serious mental issues and taking it out on me, and the suicide of a friend.  I quickly realized that my problems were spinning out of control and I got myself to a therapist who helped me work through some (but not all) of what was going on with me.  Not long after that, I met my husband and it seemed like things were going to be happily-ever-after.

Fro a long time I really didn't want kids.  I enjoyed doing things - rock-climbing, snowboarding, hiking, backpacking, traveling - and it seemed like kids would just get in the way.  Then my sister had some kids, and I realized how much I loved them and how much I would enjoy being a mother as well.  When I met my husband, he really wanted kids, and I wanted to be able to have those kids.

I haven't even talked to the doctor yet, and even if I'm interpreting the test results correctly (and I'm pretty sure I am), I know it's not a complete no-go, just a smaller chance.  Considering I spent my first 33 years sure that I wouldn't have children, and being fine with that, it seems strange to be upset now that I may not be able to have children, but I was beginning to envision that life for myself, and it was starting to seem great.

It's been a long, long time

More than three and a half years.  A lot can happen in that span of time.  In late October of 2012 I met an amazing guy (in the interest of privacy, I shall call him D).  We went on our first date in late November 2012, and in December of 2013 he proposed.  We were married in June and have been incredibly happy.

Back in November, we started trying to have a baby.  I was (and still am, for at least a little while longer) 35 years old, and we didn't want to wait too long considering the limitations of age.  Fast forward to now, and we're newlyweds who haven't succeeded at all in the procreation department.

Last week we began the testing process to figure out our next steps, and things aren't looking great.  I never thought I would care about not having children, but now that I probably can't have them, I have to say I'm a little upset.

Actually, I think that's all I can write at the moment.  I'm more upset than I realized.