Negative :(

I took a pregnancy test this morning.  It was negative.  This means two things.  1) I will be getting my period in the next day or two, 2) I will be miserable, since I can't take strong painkillers as my surgery is only 6 days out.

This is not helping my negativity from the last few days.  It does seem a little bit hopeless.  I'm heading up to the mountains this afternoon to spend the next four days with friends, all of whom have children.  Luckily, children don't really bother me the way pregnant women do (and I'm hoping against hope that none of my friends who I haven't seen in a while have a surprise pregnancy announcement to make when we arrive - I might have to cry).  Children are cute and say hilarious things and make me laugh.  Pregnant women, on the other hand, are just symbols of my failure.

And I got yelled at at work today.  and almost cried.  I need more time off.  I think I'm getting depressed.

Conflicting thoughts

The Christmas and Hanukkah season is over.  New Year's is almost here. I'm feeling... well, I'm feeling a bit numb.  And a bit disappointed.  I'm disappointed that my husband had no idea for what to get me for Christmas.  I'm disappointed that we had 4 days off from work (I had 5!) and got nothing done on the house, which does not bode well for what we'll be able to accomplish on regular two-day weekends.

I guess I'm just feeling defeated today.  I think it may be PMS.  I've almost burst out crying a few times over NOTHING.

The best part about ovulating

I don't have to hold my pee all afternoon.  It's awesome.  Also, if I want water or tea, I can just have it without worrying about how long until I get to pee again (especially since I wasn't supposed to have anything for two hours before the test, which meant I had to hold everything for AT LEAST two hours). 

My pre-op appointment was moved from today to Friday.  I was really hoping to talk to the doctor today, to see how necessary this surgery really is, since we're having some serious financial issues right now.  My first surgery is costing more than we originally planned (something like $1400).  My next surgery will probably be similar.  Our roof repair was $385.  Our emergency vet bill was $435.  We really need a new roof.  Our car is having some major issues and I'm terrified to take it to a mechanic to see what's wrong, especially since we just bought new tires.  I hate the idea of having to choose between a roof and/or a car that runs and having a baby.  I'm really overwhelmed with finances right now.  And I really don't want to have surgery.  But I also want to do what's best for me.

So my husband doesn't get it

I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to explain to my husband how fertility works so that he'll understand.  To be honest, before we started having problems ourselves, I just assumed that two people love each other, have sex, and then 9 months later a baby is born!  OK, I also know that women ovulate once a month, and unfertilized eggs end up causing PMS, cramps, and bleeding.  I had no idea of any of the mechanics, such as what follicles are and how many you start with (or don't, as the case may be), that you need to have sex BEFORE ovulation, that fertilized eggs don't implant immediately, etc.  I could go on and on and on about what I didn't know then (and mostly know now, but then I read about what other couples are doing in terms of meds and IUI and IVF, and I realize how little I still know).

Anyway, after my positive test on Thursday, my husband and I did it that night and the following night, just for good measure.  I thought he was pretty clear on the fact that it's important to have sex before ovulation.  I figured if he didn't know anything else, he at least knew that. HAHAHAHAHA.  I was soooooo wrong.  We went to a family party on Saturday night, stayed out way too late, and were super tired by the time we got home.  I was sober, as I was the driver and also hoping that my little egg(s) had fertilized, but D was pretty tipsy.  We got in bed and he told me that he was trying not to drink too much so that we'd be able to do it again that night in hopes of fertilization.  I just had to shake my head and try to explain to him AGAIN that it was probably too late, and if anything was going to happen, it had probably already happened and all we could do now was wait.

He tries so hard to understand, but he just never gets it. 

I can't really believe it

I started testing for ovulation on Monday (CD 12).  Yesterday (CD 15), I got this:

I've never seen a positive before!  Actually, I probably have, but I didn't realize it with the cheaper tests I had been using.  My doctor was right, getting the clear blue digital tests was worth it (and not that much more expensive on Amazon, actually).  I was beginning to suspect that I was annovulatory, and I had even started researching it yesterday online.  I know a positive OPK doesn't necessarily mean ovulation will occur, but I'm trying to be positive.  I believe this is likely my first real ovulation since the surgery, and I'm kind of feeling hopeful.  I'm really hoping it happens this time around, partly because if it doesn't, I'll be getting my period right at New Year's, when I will be up in the mountains attempting to enjoy snow sports (which I will absolutely enjoy, although my period will make them less enjoyable).

Anyway!   I guess that means I'm officially entering the two-week-wait right now?  Or in another day or two?  And that my luteal phase isn't ridiculously short, and the very first doctor I saw about this (who was a resident) was completely wrong when she looked at my BBT charts and told me I ovulate on CD 25.  I have been trying to cut back on alcohol, but I will probably have a few glasses of wine over Christmas.  And if I'm going to get my period, I would prefer to get it on New Year's Eve so that I'll know if I can drink champagne to my heart's content that evening.

Oh, speaking of knowing things...  I need to have bloodwork done 2-7 days before my surgery, and the bloodwork includes a pregnancy test.  That means I can get it done as early as December 30th, which will be 12 days after my positive OPK.  Is that too early for a pregnancy to show up?  Otherwise, I would probably have to wait until January 4th, which means I could possibly be drinking on New Year's Eve while unknowingly pregnant, although I could maybe squeeze in a trip to the lab on the 31st before we leave for the mountains.  I could do a HPT on the 30th and then try to decide what to do.  Thoughts anyone?

Rough week

I know I haven't posted in a while.  Things have been crazy, but luckily everything turned out ok in the end.

I heard back from my doctor.  He requested additional blood tests.  I don't know what they are, but I'm hoping it will give me a more complete picture of my thyroid function.  I also got a surgery date!  I'll be having surgery January 6th.  So next week I'm going to have to bike to the closer clinic for a pre-surgical visit and probably get my bloodwork done while I'm there.  I'm happy to be getting it out of the way.  Ironically, I will once again be having surgery immediately after my period ends.

So as of last Thursday, I had finished Christmas shopping for my husband.  I bought him some camera stuff and a new (to us) 10-inch tablet, since he has a first generation tablet and it's having tons of problems.  I wanted to get him a large one, since he had one before, and he likes watching videos, so I got him a used one since they're so darn expensive.  Then we had our company Christmas party on Friday and I won a 7-inch tablet (exact same tablet I bought for him, just smaller).  Now I'm not sure what to do with it.  Do I keep it for myself, even though I already have a tablet?  Except that mine is 10 inches also, and the 7 inch one will actually fit in my purse.  Or do I give it as a gift to someone?  I just don't know who...

Anyway, I spent the weekend working on a quilt for my nephew.  Here's a picture of it almost done:

My sister is going to do the binding, and then it will be finished!  I don't have any pictures of it without a cat on it, since I haven't been able to keep the cats off of it.  They think it's the best thing in the world.

I had Monday off from work, and so I was home working on the quilt with my sister, and as she was packing up to go home, our dog Lola had a seizure.  It was the most horrifying thing I've experienced in a long, long time.  At first, I thought she was choking.  My sister managed to corral our other dog, Apollo, who thought Lola was playing and wanted to get in on the action.  As her entire body convulsed, I tried to see if there was anything in her mouth, but then my sister pointed out that she was still breathing.  She finally stopped seizing (at which point I was terrified that she was dying), crawled into her crate, and wouldn't come out.  At this point, I had finally found the number for the emergency vet and was trying to figure out what to do.  Lola was barking and growling and acting like a completely different dog, which the vet assured me was normal after a seizure.  She suggested bringing Lola to the clinic in her crate, which unfortunately wouldn't have worked since it won't fit in my car assembled, and Lola isn't exactly a small dog.

Lola finally calmed down enough for me to coax her out of the crate, and my sister helped me get her into the car.  She was so weak and shaky at that point.  I sped to the emergency vet, and they got her in right away and starting testing for possible toxins.  They kept her overnight and then I picked her up yesterday morning and worked from home so I could keep an eye on her.  Her blood work was normal, so she either just had a random seizure or she has epilepsy.  I'm so glad she's ok, I was terrified the entire time it was happening.  The good news is that I finally had a chance to weigh her again.  When we adopted her, she was severely underweight at 47 pounds.  She now weighs 71 pounds!

In addition to that, my roof was fixed yesterday, just in time for a crazy rainstorm last night.  So between the emergency vet bills, the roof, Christmas shopping, and my upcoming surgery, this is going to be a really, really expensive time of year for us.

And last but not least - I finally got to start testing for ovulation on Monday.  Negative so far.  I'm not sure what I'll do if I don't get a positive this time.  It makes it seem like all this worry is for nothing.

I need some advice

While helping my sister clean out her office, I came across a box of my father's medical records.  It turns out, he had hypothyroidism.  I have most of the symptoms of hypothyroidism, and several doctors in the past have suspected I have it, but the regular tests always come back normal.

I know there are more in-depth tests that can detect what standard tests can't.  I know you usually need to be referred to a specialist, and no doctor I've had in the past has ever been willing to do that.  I just emailed my fertility specialist to see what he thinks, but he tends to not take my suggestions seriously.  I've only seen my regular doctor once, and she thought I was nuts for 1) not using much soap and 2) getting a skin check every year after having had basal cell carcinoma, both of which were recommended to me by dermatologists.  So I'm not sure she's going to take me seriously either.  I've only seen my OBGYN once (I just switched to Kaiser last summer, so I have all new doctors).  She seems much more interested in my issues, but she's the one who referred me to the specialist.  If the fertility specialist shoots me down, what should I do? 

First the good news

Our roof can probably be fixed for under $400.  Yay!  The bad news: We're probably going to have to replace the roof next year.  The guy wouldn't give me a rough estimate, but I really need to know how much to save.  And I hate the thought of having to choose between a roof and a baby, assuming our only hope is IVF.

So yesterday I bought "It Starts With the Egg" and started reading it.  I don't know how helpful it will be, but I'm already starting to think about changes I can make.  No more canned food (not that I eat much to begin with) and I'm going to try to not touch receipts as much.  I can just imagine myself putting on gloves while grocery shopping so the BPA from the receipts won't touch my skin.  I'll keep reading and talking about what I'm changing in my life to hopefully make the eggs I have left more viable.

In other news.  My mother's condition is worsening quickly (she doesn't have an actual medical condition, other than self-induced diabetes.  When I talk about her condition, I just mean what condition she's in).  She does suffer from depression, but refuses to get help for it and I'm tired of trying to talk to her about it.  I've been dealing with it since I was a kid.  I don't have the energy to do it anymore.  She's approaching the point where she really can't take care of herself anymore, and I'm having less and less sympathy all the time, primarily because she's doing it to herself.  When my sister arrived yesterday, she found multiple empty cartons of ice cream scattered around the house.  Full-size cartons (I'm assuming my sister meant half-gallons, but I didn't ask).  My mother insisted that they've been building up for some time (as if saving garbage in your house is somehow ok, but binging on ice cream isn't), but I was just there on Thanksgiving morning, and the cartons weren't there.  Additionally, there were moldy plates and half-eaten packages of food, mostly moldy, scattered around.  It was frustrating to me that while all of my friends and coworkers have parents who help them out, I have a parent who needs constant help.  And I haven't even had kids yet.

This brings up something else, having to do with having kids.  My sister goes to a lot of trouble to make sure her kids have a relationship with their grandmother.  I work full time, as does my husband, so I know my kids won't have that same opportunity, but I do question whether the relationship is worth it.  My mother is fairly sexist, for one thing.  She also tries to spoil her grandchildren, which wouldn't be a big deal if she lived farther away and didn't see them very often, but on a weekly basis seems like too much.

Additionally, my mother has favorite grandchildren (or rather, one favorite) and she doesn't really try to hide it.  Growing up, my mother always called my brother by name, but for my sister and I, she just addressed us as "girls".  I always assumed it was a twin thing, and if we weren't identical twins, we would have been worthy of names.  Unfortunately, now that my brother has two boys and a girl (in terms of age, the girl is the middle child), I've realized it's definitely a favoritism thing..  She only calls the oldest (her obvious favorite) by name.  She calls her granddaughter "the little girl" or just "the girl", and the younger boy is called "the little one".  I can't help but think any future kids might pick up on this, and since she lives nearby, they'd be subjected to it frequently.  Obviously, this isn't an issue yet, but it worries me for the future.

Monday morning

It was so hard to get up this morning.  It's cold and foggy here.  We have a major leak in our roof, I haven't been able to get a roofing contractor to actually come to my house yet, and there's a huge storm blowing in later this week.  I also haven't had a phone call about the surgery I'm supposedly having next month.  Normally I hate it when people call me, but I'm dying for the phone to ring these days.

I watched my sister finish a marathon yesterday morning.  To be fair to myself, I finished the same marathon two years ago, but I feel like a lazy slob now.  Especially since I had to buy pants in a bigger size recently.  I want to run so badly, but the osteoarthritis in my ankle has been really problematic.  My husband said he is bringing a brace home for me to try, and I really hope it helps.  It sucks being a 36-year-old with a 76-year-old ankle.

In other news.  I'm planning to start testing for ovulation next Monday.  I can't wait.  I'm just hoping for a positive, although I know if there isn't a positive there are ways to make it happen.  However, what worries me the most is my period.  For most of my life, even when I was on birth control, my period was painful and heavy, and lasted about 5 days, sometimes 6.  Since I stopped using birth control, it is still fairly painful, but it only lasts 2 or 3 days.  And sometimes there's very little blood.  It's sort of mind-boggling.  Considering day one this time around was pretty heavy and painful, I know it was actually my period and not random spotting, but I wish I understood what's happening a little better.

Friday

I finally got back on my bike today.  It's supposed to rain, but I can't handle being lazy any more.  I'm feeling fat, and I really need to do something about it. 

Before I continue, I have to admit I'm something of a curmudgeon.  I work on the 6th floor of my building, which happens to be the top floor.  I work for the government, in health care (sort of).  My department is constantly promoting healthy living.  Until I started having trouble with arthritis in my ankle last year, I always took the stairs.  To the 6th floor.  Now that I figured out that stairs were causing a lot of unnecessary ankle pain, I've started grudgingly taking the elevator.  I hate it. (I do take the stairs if it's only a floor or two, though - there's no reason to be completely lazy)

Every day, someone inevitably comes running onto the elevator at the last minute, forcing everyone who is already on there to wait extra time for the doors to open and then close again, despite the fact that there are 5 other elevators.  Then they get off at the second floor.  I know, I know other people are in the same boat as me and have physical difficulties that aren't apparent.  Of course, if I'm about to miss the elevator, I just wait for the next one because there are so many.

Also, these people are often the people who are drinking a giant starbucks and complaining about how they wish they could lose weight.  It drives me nuts.  They also usually immediately start pushing the door close button so no one else can get on. 

Anyway, this morning I got to work early and was feeling more charitable and as I got on the elevator, I noticed someone was hurrying to get there, so I held the door.  It was a woman.  She was probably about 5 months pregnant.  She smiled and thanked me.  I didn't even want to look at her.  I feel a bit like a failure.

Oh, and since I'm on the subject of elevators and pregnant women, on one of my first visits to Kaiser, I had to go to the second floor and I had no idea where the stairs were, so I pushed the button for the elevator and waited.  A very pregnant woman came up and stood there waiting a minute later.  The elevators in my office make a loud ringing sound when they arrive, so it never occurred to me that the Kaiser elevators wouldn't be audible.  I had turned around to read a flier about an infertility class on the bulletin board across from the elevator, and when I turned around a minute later, the elevator had come and gone in silence, and the pregnant woman had gotten on and never said a word to me!

Cycle Day 1

Yup, it happened.  My cycle FINALLY started.  I was hoping that with the removal of 10 fibroids, my cramps would be more manageable, but I was in pain most of the night and this morning is pretty awful.  I've taken some painkillers, so I'm hoping they'll help.  My flow has been pretty light so far, which I guess is more normal than it used to be, but we'll see how that goes.  Mostly, I'm excited that I should now have a date to start testing for ovulation!  I really, really hope I see a positive at some point.

Day 41

Still no period.  My back is killing me, which often happens during my period, but there is no blood.  I'm at a loss as to what to do.  I think I will wait until Friday or Saturday and if I haven't started by then, I'll do another pregnancy test.  I guess.

And now I have to rant a bit.

So a friend of mine, who is about to turn 37, is about 8 months pregnant with her second baby.  I'm good friends with both her and her husband from college, and until recently I really liked them both a lot.  I went to the baby shower for her first baby, and even brought them a meal after the baby was born, even though I was single and poor and paying off huge student loans (I live about 90 minutes away, so I drove there and bought them a bunch of food, which was not cheap).  I have put up with getting extensive emails every three months detailing every little thing about their lives and their child and what he eats and says and likes and plays with.  Etc, etc.

I didn't go to the baby shower for the second baby, which was the weekend before thanksgiving, because I am morally opposed to showers for second babies (and if anyone says it's ok if the baby is a different sex, I will have to whip out my Feminist card.  Babies are babies.  Boy or girl, they both need basically the same things).  Well, yesterday, I received an invitation to sign up on a calendar to bring them meals.  It was sent by my friend herself, not by someone else on her behalf.  I nearly lost it.  Of course, they don't know that we've been trying to get pregnant for over a year (since before they got pregnant), but still.  I can't even imagine sending out a mass request for people to bring me food!  It's not like they're having a hard time.  They're actually doing quite well for themselves.

This is not to say that I wouldn't want to help out a friend.  My best friend gave birth this summer, 6 days before my wedding.  She was a bridesmaid, and I did everything I could to make it easy for her to be there, because having her there was more important to me than having everything be perfect.  Her birthday was the weekend after I got back from my honeymoon, so I made her dinner and brought it to her (over an hour away).  I did it because I wanted to, and not because she created a calendar where she expected everyone to sign up to bring her things.

Now that I'm looking at the possibility of rather expensive infertility treatments, I have to admit, I'm a little disgusted.  I also won't be participating, and I will probably just ignore the request. 

Day 40

I took a pregnancy test on Thursday morning.  Negative.  Not even a hint of a line.  Which is fine, because I wasn't necessarily expecting to get pregnant immediately after surgery.  But where is my period????  There have been no signs of it whatsoever.  After doing a bit of reading, it seems reasonable to assume that it will take 5-6 weeks after surgery before it starts.  I'm now one day short of 5 weeks past surgery.  So maybe my period will start soon?

My Thanksgiving was pretty good.  We got up early on Thanksgiving morning and drove 25 minutes east to pick up my mom, who wasn't ready (I didn't expect her to be, especially since there was no traffic at all so we got there early).  I helped her finish packing, D changed the battery in her smoke detector because the beeping was driving me nuts even though she apparently couldn't hear it, and we piled into the car to drive 45 minutes west to my sister's, where my sister and I spent the day cooking and cleaning for 11 or so people, half of whom are from Italy.  Since my brother-in-law is from Italy, we often end up with all of the stray Italians in the area at our holiday celebrations.  My mother HATES sharing holidays with non-family members, especially those who are not American.   Perhaps I haven't mentioned it yet, but she was insisting on my husband and I spending Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day with her.  I told her we'd spend all day Thanksgiving and Christmas with her, but D and I had to work on Christmas Eve, and we'd be having dinner with his family.  So she suggested he go to his family and I go to her house.  Ummmm, yeah.  I shut that idea down right away.

In case you couldn't tell, my mother is DIFFICULT.  For Thanksgiving, my sister spent quite a bit of money on an organic heritage turkey, which my mom basically said was a waste since it wasn't that good.  She also said that "if it wasn't for the drug cartels, we should just take over Mexico since they have better beaches than we do".  And when one of the Italians asked her if she was from the town where my sister lives (which is a VERY NICE town, and most people in the area can't afford to live there, although it's not as glamorous and exclusive as the town where my mom used to live), she was offended.  Now, she lives in a similar town, but last year she moved from what was probably the most expensive town in the area, full of huge houses and gated communities and local celebrities, and she's still upset about the move.  So instead of telling the girl where she actually lives, she said, "well, I used to live in GB, but before that, I lived in S" which happens to be a small town in Silicon Valley that is also very expensive, but not exactly the most expensive place in Silicon Valley, and isn't exactly well-known.  No one who is from outside the area has ever heard of these places.  I can guarantee that someone who is from a different COUNTRY will never have any reason to know the names of these towns, much less be impressed by how rich and important my mother must be to have lived in them.  She couldn't even admit that she lives in the nice town she does, for fear that someone might think she consorts with commoners.  My poor sister had to put up with her overnight, since she's gotten to the point where she can't drive anymore.  I felt so bad, but I just can't deal with her for long periods of time.  Like half a day.

My husband and I spent the rest of the weekend doing maintenance on our house.  Owning a house is a pain.  Owning a 35-year-old house with a flat roof is even more of a pain.  We now have a leak in the bathroom ceiling.  We're probably going to have to hire someone to fix it, as soon as it stops raining.  I'm hoping it doesn't cost an arm and a leg.

Oh yeah!  I found my wallet!