Migration

So this format is really not working for me, which is unfortunate since I've put a lot of time into setting it up.  I've created a new space at WordPress, and i will hopefully be migrating my infertility content over there in the next few days.  Please join me there!

https://calcandide.wordpress.com

not expecting much

I finally figured out why the doctor (incorrectly) thought I had two follicles.  During my previous cycle, the NP was having a hard time finding my left ovary, and when she did, the follicle was hiding a bit.  She ended up measuring it twice, the first time at 18.1, and the second time she told the medical assistant to just put over 18 in my chart.  The assistant must have entered the measurements as two different follicles.  I’m pretty angry that a stupid little mistake like that is costing us so much money, although I shouldn’t be surprised after the charting debacle after my surgery.



I had a follicle check on Friday showing the exact same thing as my follicle check last cycle, two larger follies and one smaller one.  By Monday (yesterday) we had only one viable follicle, a little farther behind than last cycle at 17 and change.  I was so upset I cried.  I don’t know why we’re spending all this money to just get one follicle, it seems like such a waste.  It also seems likely this cycle won’t succeed.  Needless to say, we’re moving on to a different clinic, and most likely IVF with donor eggs or embryos.  It won’t be covered by insurance at all.  It will probably cost close to $20,000.  We’re already tens of thousands of dollars in debt for student loans, we just found out yesterday our car will probably need a new engine, and our credit card bills are getting higher and higher.  I feel like we’re drowning.



Yesterday was a bad appointment in another way too.  Because the clinic close to my house didn’t have any appointments, I had to go to the medical center that is much farther away.  The far-away center has a regular women’s clinic waiting room and a waiting room for women’s specialty healthcare (which includes infertility, as well as other things).   Unfortunately, they no longer staff the specialty waiting room, so us infertiles have to stand in line with all the pregnant women.  And, because how much you pay depends on what insurance plan you have and what the doctor ends up doing, you have to stand in line once to check in, and then again after your appointment in order to pay.  There’s nothing more frustrating than coming back to that room after receiving not-so-good news, having to wait in line in a room full of pregnant people, and paying $80 to hear bad news while the pregnant woman in front of you paid $5 for her appointment, and then go to the pharmacy to wait another 20-30 minutes to pay hundreds of dollars for fertility medication.



On top of all of this, I feel like my health is really suffering.  I weigh more now than I ever have in my entire life.  My BMI is 25.3, which is officially overweight.  This fact is causing me to get depressed and then I eat more to cope.  I’m too tired to exercise most of the time, and I was warned against it by my doctors who said that with how large my ovaries would get, I could risk ovarian torsion.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  MY one little follicle is hardly in danger of causing any problems, so  I could have been exercising all this time.  Luckily, this will be our last round of IUIs, and I doubt we’ll be using my eggs going forward, so I can go back to exercising.  Of course, that will be harder since I will most likely be quitting the gym to save money, but I can make it happen.



IUI on Thursday morning.  My husband is going with me so we can file a grievance regarding the incorrect charting that led to the doctor refusing to increase the dose of medication.  We don’t want to pay for a flawed cycle, especially when I voiced my concerns and the doctor was a complete jerk about it. 

horrible, no good, very bad... doctor appointment

So yeah, that was my period starting on Friday.  I called the clinic and got an appointment for a baseline ultrasound on Sunday (aka yesterday).  I had light bleeding and no cramps both Friday and Saturday, which was odd, but I’ll take it.  The cramps started Sunday and continued into today, and now I probably know why.



I have another fibroid.  2 surgeries, 14 fibroids, and thousands of dollars later (plus a number of aggravating phone calls trying to get the billing correct, along with a threat of being sent to collections), and here we area again with another fibroid, just under 2 cm.  It is located within the wall of my uterus, and not impinging on the lining, so no need to remove it, but I’m guessing that is what’s causing the horrible cramps I have every cycle. 



And that wasn’t even the worst thing that happened at my appointment!  My husband, D, was still away at summer camp (I learned after he got back that the camp was for children with congenital hand deformities, and apparently my husband never went to summer camp as a kid, because he had a fantastic time and returned home filthy with a braided bracelet that he had made himself and a cape that was pre-made but he was still really proud of) so I had to go to the appointment by myself.  I had heard from friends who went to the same clinic that the doctor that I was going to see this time was not well-liked.  I can see why.



He started by telling me that I still have a 14.6mm follicle left over from last time that hadn’t reabsorbed yet.  I also (I think) had only 5 total new follicles.  5.  That is not a good number.  He told me I could start a new injectable cycle if I wanted, since the leftover follicle was not too big to prevent it, but that it would hurt and he didn’t want me to come back and blame him.   I tried asking multiple times if the follicle would cause problems with a medicated cycle, but all he would say was that he didn’t want me to blame him for anything if I went home and googled it, and that it was up to me if we continued.  I was like, I have no idea what you’re talking about, how am I supposed to make a decision without more information?  But after a LOT of prodding, he said that it wouldn’t cause any problems, and I am now too scared to google it.



Then he told me that since I had three dominant follicles last time, they wouldn’t increase my dosage.  I was stunned, since based on everything I was told, I had one dominant follicle last time, plus one that was a bit farther behind and hadn’t caught up as of the last ultrasound.  WTH???  I guess the doctor (who was actually a nurse practitioner) and the nurse who was recording everything had some communications issues, or there was another follicle that no one told me about in any of my visits.  I tried explaining this to the doctor, who pretty much accused me of lying in order to increase my meds.  He told me it would be really bad if I ended up with 5 or 10 dominant follicles.  I wanted to slap him and shout “I only have 5 follicles total!  How could I possibly end up with that many large follicles???”  I was pretty much crying by this time.



He informed me that a lot of patients didn’t like him because they only want to hear positive things, and he believed in telling the truth.  I felt more like he believed in giving as little information as possible so that no one could blame him for a bad outcome.  I wanted to hear the truth!  But I wanted to hear ALL of it so I could make an informed decision.



He didn’t talk at all about my tiny number of follicles, the shortness of my cycle, nothing.  I was not happy, but what can you do?  I’m going to be 37 next month, I don’t have a ton of time left, and I certainly don’t have a lot of eggs left.  So  I am currently on the same dose I was on last time.  My prescription-strength painkillers have damped the cramps enough for me to behave normally at work.  I am barreling along towards what I feel will be another failure, a lot more money down the drain.  We have decided this will probably be our last IUI cycle, and IVF using my eggs is probably off the table at this point.  How many viable embryos can we really expect to get with so few antral follicles?



So now I’m not sure what to do next (assuming this cycle doesn’t work, which I am assuming).  I think we will probably move on to either donated eggs or donated embryos.  Donated embryos are the cheapest option I’ve found so far.  If I could find a program that uses donated eggs and D’s sperm and doesn’t cost too much more, that would be the ideal course of action, but I don’t really know where else to look now.  I guess we have a bit of time to think about it.

Failure

Looks like my period is starting.  Three days early.  I guess that's not too bad in terms of luteal phase (right?), but I'm horribly sad.

Feeling better today

I survived my first night without D.  It didn't go too badly.  The dogs mostly behaved, the cats mostly behaved, I got to eat my favorite food that my husband doesn't like, and I watched something like 5 episodes of How I Met Your Mother.

Speaking of mothers, it was my mother's 75th birthday yesterday.  I called several times, and finally got through last night, only to listen to a barrage of complaints about her friends.  She explained that she ate lunch by herself (or maybe it was dinner?) at her favorite restaurant because her friends are mean and all made other plans, and I actually felt a little bit bad for her.  But listening to her, it made me realize that if she and her friends cared as much about each other as they did about themselves, they would all be much happier.  Instead of giving anyone the benefit of the doubt, they automatically assume that everyone else's actions are meant to hurt them, and then they retaliate.  They spend insane amounts of time being angry and not talking to each other.  Every time I talk to my mom, she's not talking to at least one of her friends.  I hope I'm never like them.

Ah, well.  My sister and I are taking my mom (along with my sister's family, but not D since he won't be home yet) to a new restaurant near my mom's house that I'm excited to try.  Should be fun as long as my mom keeps the complaining to a minimum.

Now that D is gone, I'm realizing how much I depend on him for certain things.  For instance, he's my alarm clock.  Realizing I was going to have to get up on my own this morning, I tried setting an alarm on my phone.  When I went to turn it on, instead of having a check box next to each day, the days were all listed in green.  when I touched a day, it turned white.  I assumed that meant it turned the alarm on for that day.  HAHAHAHA.  Apparently, the default was for the alarm to be on every day, so by changing it, I was turning it off.  Oopsies. I woke up 10 minutes before the alarm was supposed to go off, and decided to just stay in bed until it was time to get up.  15 minutes later, I realized my alarm wasn't going to go off at all and that was when I discovered my mistake.  Thank goodness I didn't accidentally sleep in, and now my alarm is hopefully set for tomorrow morning.  Whew.

Today is 10 days past my IUI.  Only a few more days to go before I will hopefully know something!  My boobs are super sore today.  It was actually hard to sleep on my stomach last night (one of my favorite sleeping positions) due to the soreness.  I hope this is a good sign.  No spotting so far either.  It's CD 21, although I guess it doesn't matter too much when you're controlling your own ovulation.

My anxiety is catching up with me

I let my husband's cat out yesterday morning, after which he told me that he wanted to keep the cat inside during the day.  He usually lets the cat out whenever the cat (whose name is Boss, which is a TERRIBLE name for a cat because it gives him serious delusions of grandeur) wants to go out, so I was surprised that he was upset.  Nevertheless, the cat was out of the bag (or the house, hahahahaha, I amuse myself so much), and we had to get to work and that was that.

Our neighbors have two cats that spend a lot of time outside, and my husband has observed Boss sitting on the corner with one or both of these cats, and possibly other neighborhood cats, in the mornings.  I've started calling it the Corner Cat Conclave, or the Corner Cat Coffee Klatch.  Boss is usually quite disagreeable with other cats, but he seems to be mellowing out in his old age, and their little get-togethers seem to be pretty tame.

Generally, after being outside for a while, Boss is desperate to get back in and have a little snack, so we were surprised to get home yesterday afternoon and Boss was nowhere to be found.  We checked our front courtyard multiple times, looked under the cars of all of our neighbors (not suspicious behavior AT ALL!), and walked down to the Corner Cat Conclave location periodically, calling his name, which made me feel ridiculous.  I also call him Bossy-Poo, which he loves and sound much more manly.  At this point, D was starting to freak out about where Boss could possibly be, since we haven't lived in our new town that long.  I imagined finding his broken body lying in the road somewhere.

After dinner, we went to run errands, and drove around the neighborhood a bit more, and when we got back, we walked around the corner to look a bit farther afield.  The neighbor's orange cat was lounging on their front porch.  Their Siamese cat was around the corner on someone else's front lawn.  I spotted the back end of another cat squeezed in between an RV and a hedge (I'm assuming his/her front end was in the hedge, but it was hard to tell), but no sign of Boss.  It has been so hot lately that a lot of neighbors have been leaving their garage doors open a bit to get air circulation through, and some of them even leave their garage doors completely open.  It seemed likely he had gone into another house.

Side note: My old neighborhood may have seemed nicer, what with all the nosy neighbors patrolling and enforcing arcane rules, and we lived in a court for heaven's sakes, but the garage door was left open one night right after my last surgery (and I totally blame Boss for it, due to his habit of waiting until the last second then darting under the closing garage door and causing it to reopen after D or I have gone into the house) and my extremely expensive road bike was stolen.  And it's not like it was out in the open - at that point, our exterior lights were out, so even seeing that the door was open was difficult, and the nice bike had a TON of stuff piled in front of it, so getting it out would have required some serious rearranging.  WHILE WE WERE HOME!  And sleeping just on the other side of the wall.

OK, so anyway, we walked around like idiots calling for Boss, noticed that at least one neighbor had a pet food bowl out on their front porch, figured Boss wasn't coming home because he'd been feasting at someone else's expense, and decided to head home and wait him out.  Of course, as soon as we turned around, we heard a sound and there he was, running down the sidewalk after us.  D picked him up and carried him home and decided he needs another collar with tags this time.  I wonder how long he'll wear this one before he takes it off and leaves it somewhere.

I also read in the comments on a blog yesterday about dogs with seizure disorders who actually have brain tumors, and now I'm freaked out about Lola.  She's been rubbing her face with her paws lately, and at first I was worried about foxtails, but now I'm worried about a tumor.  She does seem to have allergies or asthma, so it could be something like that too, or it could be nothing.  But after going four months without a seizure, she suddenly had three in the month of June, and it worried me.  A lot.

My husband thinks it's the stress of the TWW that's getting to me, and he's probably right.  What if I'm not pregnant and we have to start all over?  What do we do next?  What if I am pregnant?  How can we possibly take care of a baby???  What if something bad happens to it?  Lucky him, he's leaving today for the next five days, basically until the end of the TWW, and he'll be working the whole time, so at least he'll have a distraction.  I'll be home all by myself, with only my ever-increasing anxious thoughts to keep me company.

Halfway through the TWW (super long post! Huzzah!)

I don't know how people do this over and over.  The wait is killing me.

My husband leaves tomorrow morning to work at a camp for disabled kids for 5 days.  He's super excited to be doing something different for a few days, I'm kind of excited to have some time to myself. 

Last night, I went out with some friends.  It was really hard.  They're not people I know super well, but I like them a lot, since they're all close to my age and live in the same area as I do, plus most of them are super nice and really funny and I always have a good time when I hang out with them.  But, last night.  Ugh.

So I'll back up a bit.  When I was in high school, I had neighbors who lived down the street with one boy a year older than my sister and I, and another a year younger.  Since we didn't have a high school in our small town yet (they finally built one that opened the year after I graduated), we had to drive to the closest city for school.  There was a bus that came out there, but it had a LOT of area to cover so it took forever, and we were all in band, which started an hour earlier, which meant we couldn't take the bus anyway.  Because there were so many people who drove in from all over the area, this meant a few things: none of our parents wanted to get up that early to drive us that far, and there were so many people driving in that there wasn't enough parking for all the students.  So there was sort of an informal system of carpooling, and older kids usually drove their younger neighbors, with the younger neighbors taking over driving duties once they became old enough.  So we carpooled to school every day, and the older boy taught me how to drive a stick, and we were all like a family.  You know, like most people in band (you do know that right?  I can't be the only band nerd around)

ANYWAY!  The older of the neighbor's kids was a really good friend of mine, and we've kept in touch over the years, despite all of us moving all over the place for college, grad school, jobs, etc.  Well, a few years ago (probably more than a few actually), the older kid finally moved back to the area (with his fiance!) and settled down and we started hanging out and I became good friends with his fiance (now wife).  They started a family pretty quickly, she got super involved in the community and made a ton of friends with other mothers, and she ended up starting a book club and inviting me to join, even though I didn't have kids and everyone else did.

So I'm still in the book club and I'm still the only childless one, but seriously, everyone in the book club is so awesome I just love hanging out with them.  My sister and I have both invited a few friends to join over the years, and it has expanded to include some amazing women.

But last year, my friend and his wife moved away for a post-doctoral position on the east coast.  They actually left early in the morning after my wedding, so at least they made it to that, and then they were gone.  We've continued the book club without her, although she still joins in on our online discussions and we've Skyped with her a few times at meetings. 

And now she's visiting again!  Yay!  And she organized a dinner out last night!  Yay!  But some of the conversations really got to me, especially the two women who were complaining about how they got pregnant with their second children despite only having sex once during the prior month.  And there was SO MUCH COMPLAINING about children.  I think most of them are stay-at-home moms or have part-time jobs or seasonal jobs (like teaching), so they spend more time at home with the kids than most of the people I know in the rest of my life (who I know through work, so obviously, they don't stay at home with their kids).  It was hard to sit there and listen to that. 

OK, got that off my chest.  I'm now 8 days into the TWW, with 6 days to go.  I'm also on CD 19.5 (I started at night, I'm never sure how to count it when that happens).  My last few cycles have been around 22 days, with quite a bit of cramping and spotting in the 5 days or so before the cycle starts.  I know I took drugs this time that ensured a good uterine lining and actual ovulation, so things could be different, but the fact that I have no signs of an impending period are really encouraging.  My boobs have also been quite sore, especially at night.  I'm trying not to be too hopeful, but I so want this to be the month.  If this isn't the month...  Well, I'm planning some camping trips for August, and I should at least be able to go on the first one without injections causing problems.

We finally got our bill for surgery

I had surgery in January, and as you might recall, the doctor accidentally coded it as a laparoscopy instead of an operative hysteroscopy.  He told me himself at my follow-up that he had coded it wrong and that he would try to fix it, but he obviously wasn't successful since I got a bill for $3000 for a laparoscopy a few months later.  After several frustrating phone calls, including one in which the person to whom I was talking insisted that if I had surgery it must have been a laparoscopy, I finally got the revised bill yesterday, and it's only $500.  Thank goodness!!!

You may have noticed that I added a page documenting the costs of our infertility so far.  I can't believe we've spent so much to do so little.  Time to add the most recent bill...

One step forward, two steps back (warning: LOOOOONG post)

My mother is a difficult person.  I know I've said that before.  She turns 75 next week, and I'm sure she's expecting a huge party, but I just don't have it in me.  She called my sister last night (we'll call her S for clarity, and my mother will be M), and started out by telling S how awful all of M's children are (myself included), then informed S that M needed surgery for cataracts and that S would have to spend a day carting M around for it.  Obviously, my sister was less than thrilled (who starts a plea for help by telling the person you're asking how horrible they are?).  I told my sister that I would take a day off of work to go with her, but I'm not taking care of my mother by myself.  I'm in no condition to deal with my mother's crap right now.

Speaking of which, I obviously haven't told my mother about my infertility.  At all.  She doesn't know that I've had multiple surgeries for fibroids, that we've been trying to have a family for 20 months (21 months?), that we're having lots of problems.  She was, however, concerned that if I don't have children, she might lose the competition with her friends over who had the most grandchildren.  Luckily, my sister's pregnancy has relieved the pressure on me over that.  Considering her less than enthusiastic response when my husband and I told her that we were getting married, and her recently telling me that she liked me better when I was single, I doubt she'll be too excited for us if we do manage to get pregnant.  I would love to have a supportive mother who could support me through this, but I unfortunately did not win the mother lottery.

I was recently thinking about the costs of infertility, probably brought about by friends complaining about the costs of children.  I wonder if they would complain so much if they had to actually pay to get pregnant.  So far, my husband and I have paid just under $4,000 and we owe another $1,000-$3,000 for my last surgery, once the bill is finished being processed.  This includes lots of diagnostics, doctor's appointment, two fibroid surgeries, and one injectible IUI cycle, but no ovulation testing kits, pregnancy tests, vitamins, and the like.  In the grand scheme of things, it's not actually that much money, but who knows how much more we'll have to spend?

So as I embark on my TWW, I know that it will be a while before any symptoms will show.  But last night, man did I have sore boobs. I guess it could be from the trigger shot, right?  It's also insanely hot here, yesterday on the drive home our car said it was 111 outside, and at 9:30 last night it was around 84.  I was sweltering.  Today is supposed to be the last day over 100, I think.  I really hope.

I completely forgot that my husband is leaving next Wednesday for a children's camp at which he will be a counselor (I guess?) for children's hospital patients.  It's not that far away, but they're in need of male chaperones who can stay for the whole camp, and he gets paid for it, so he's doing it.  He'll be gone through Sunday, and chances are if this IUI didn't work, I will be getting my period sometime while he's gone.  I don't look forward to dealing with that by myself.

And on top of everything else, our dog had another seizure last night, the third one in the month of June.  We need to figure out a better plan to take care of her, as what we're doing right now is obviously not working, and it's really hard on us as well.  Hopefully we can get it figured out soon.

And the wait continues!

Beginning the TWW

So now I'm in the beginning of my first official TWW.  Crazy.

Let me back up a little.  I went in Saturday for the follow-up to my follicle sizing.  The follicle on the right had barely grown, and was around 13.5.  The left had surged ahead to 18.1, and my uterine lining was around 8.4 (I think, I should write these things down!).  So I was given the go-ahead to trigger that night at 10 pm.  We picked up the trigger shot and the sterile collection cup at the pharmacy and headed home, ecstatic that we were almost done with this cycle.

I'm a little sad that we likely only had one mature egg, but one is better than none.  We did the trigger shot at 10 pm.  I didn't feel the shot at all, but boy was my belly tender afterwards.  It was still sore yesterday, but this morning it seems fine.

Obviously, I had the actual insemination yesterday morning.  It was more painful than I thought it would be.  I was told that it would be easier than the HSG, but it wasn't, probably because the HSG involved injecting liquid into my uterine cavity, and the insemination was done using a catheter, which is a bit more sturdy.  My uterus is retroverted, and my back was killing me during and after the procedure, to the point that I turned on the heated seat in the car for the drive home, even though it was over 100 degrees yesterday. 

Another effect of the trigger shot was that it made me awfully lethargic.  I spent a lot of Sunday just laying around, and had no energy at all.  Yesterday, I had plans to get a LOT done, and I spent several hours just lying on the couch, although I'm sure the heat had something to do with it too.  My abdomen felt rather full and ever-so-slightly painful, sort of like a mild period or bad gas (really, more like bad gas than anything else).  And I felt a bit light-headed.  Today, I'm feeling much, much better, but still tired.

The heat is killing me, though.  It's only getting down into the upper 60s at night, so sleeping has been terrible.  I've never used AC so much in my life.  Today is forecast to be 110, and tomorrow will be 109, they say.  Due to the insemination, I couldn't jump in the pool yesterday, but I have every intention to get in today.  I'd love to swim laps, but I may not have the energy.  I went to the gym yesterday, but I was so exhausted and worried about jarring my innards that I didn't get a great workout.

The next two weeks are going to be hard, but I'm keeping my spirits up and trying hard not to get too anxious about everything. 

insemination time!

I'm sitting in the waiting room while they prepare my husband's sample.  I can't believe the day is here! Traffic was horrendous on the way here.  My appointment wasn't until 8:20, and i normally get to work at 7:15 or earlier, so i was really in the thick of rush hour traffic.  On top of that, i got stuck behind a convoy of trucks delivering rides to the state fair, which will be starting in a week or two.  It was surreal driving along with my husband's little guys safely tucked inside my shirt, following truck after truck loaded up with brightly colored pieces of carnival rides and an entire ticket booth.

i had a dream last night that we'd done the insemination but I'd forgotten to stay lying down for 10 minutes afterward and i had immediately rushed off to an amusement park.  Sort of a weird dream, makes me wonder if the cats were playing on the bed or something.

 I'm not only relieved to finally be doing something, I'm happy to not have to do anymore injections for at least two weeks.  That trigger shot was painful.   Wish me luck!

Fantabulous news!

I had my follicle sizing about an hour and a half ago.  My lining was 7.4, which was good.  And I had 2.5 follicles that were quite large!  My right ovary had one that was 12.6 (I think, I didn't write down exact measurements).  My left had one that was 13.9 and another that was 6.5 (hence the 2.5 follicles).  I don't hold out a ton of hope for the little 6.5, which is fine since I have 2 great follicles!!!  The doctor said I was responding really well to the medication.  I go back Saturday morning for a re-check, with a possibility of triggering Saturday night.

I actually have hope that this might work, which is kind of scary.  I've never had hope for a pregnancy before, and so I was never that upset when it didn't happen.  I expected to get my period every month.  Now I have hope, and that hope could be crushed so easily.  But even if this cycle ends with a BFN, at the very least I'll know that my body responds well to the meds and I can make at least 2 follicles, so IVF may not be a complete waste of time if that's where we end up.

Follicle Sizing tomorrow

I can't wait to see what's happening down there!  I realize it could be bad news.  My little follicles could still be little, or we could have a few nice-sized ones (I'm hoping for two good ones, that's all I ask), but either way, at least we'd know something, which is more than what we've known the last 19 months. 

My husband did a horrible job of injecting on Monday night.  It really hurt.  My husband said he could feel the medication going in.  I think he felt really bad, especially since he pinched my skin to get the needle in and then forgot to let go.  It was sore all day yesterday if I even touched it, like when I put something into my jacket pocket.  Last night went much more smoothly, and I barely even felt it.  D is getting so much better at mixing the meds and doing the injections.

OK, one non-IF paragraph: Our dogs are finally settling down a bit.  There were so many times I was ready to just bring them back to the shelter due to their behavior.  The only dog I'd ever had before was when I was young, and we got him when he was 3, so well past the puppy stage.  I had no idea puppies could be SO destructive and irritating, and while they're still a little destructive and irritating, they're also sweet and charming.  They love everyone, and they're turning into great dogs.

It's happening so fast

I went in for my baseline ultrasound on Friday.  Apparently, everything looked good because we were told to start injections that evening!  OMG!!!  I had four follicles on the right, and three or four on the left.  Not a lot, I know.  It makes me very concerned about IVF (also, I can't seem to stop talking about this cycle as if it's just a diagnostic cycle, instead of an actual infertility treatment cycle that could really work!  There's no reason why it can't work!) since that's such a tiny number of follicles to start out with.  Anyway, I'm trying to remind myself constantly that this cycle could end up with a positive outcome, and to stop saying "we're probably going to have to move on to donor embryos after this".

So, injections.  I am terrified of needles.  My husband really, really doesn't get it.  He is not scared of needles.  He can't understand why I am.  He also REALLY sucks at following directions, probably because he never even reads them.  After I picked up the medications on Friday, I ran a TON of errands, and started prepping for our housewarming party Saturday.  Then, after my husband got home, I read through all of the instructions for the meds, just to have a little refresher.  My husband did not.  It came time to mix the medications, and it was soooo hard not to remind him how to do everything (for example, hold the syringe with the pointy side down when pushing meds/saline out, turn it upside down when drawing the mixture back in to avoid air getting in).  Reminding him to wash his hands.  Reminding him where the injection site was supposed to be.  Reminding him to get the extra air out of the syringe before sticking me with it.  Telling him to get his finger off the damn plunger before he stuck me with the needle.  Telling him to put the needle cap back on BEFORE dumping it in the sharps container.  He got upset with me for getting upset with him.  So yeah, that went well.

So I picked up 12 vials of meds at the pharmacy.  They come in boxes of five, so I got two boxes, plus two loose vials.  I never really looked at the vials before, but I had been told that the meds are powder, which will dissolve quickly in the saline.  So I didn't notice that the first vial we pulled out was empty.  I looked for the meds, figured it was just a small amount of powder, and didn't think about about it until we pulled out the second vial and it was half full of powder.  We had already punctured the first one, so I had no way to prove that it was already empty, but the pharmacy was nice and took it back and exchanged it for a full one, so I have enough to make it to my next appointment.  Whew.

But really, it's hard to believe we're actually doing something.  Finally!  After 19 months of trying (something like 22 cycles, I think), two surgeries, watching my AMH levels fall from 1.35 to 0.4, and waiting through cysts, we're taking the first steps.  Amazing!

CD 1

Today it starts.  What this means: I just had a 19-day cycle, which is just insanely short.  It means I go in tomorrow for my baseline ultrasound.  It means, assuming everything is ok, I start injections on Saturday, the day of my housewarming party.  What fun!

My husband was a complete jerk about it this morning.  I mentioned that I would be calling the clinic and would try to schedule an appointment.  I also told him that I was worried that most of my cycles lately have been too short.  He then told me that I needed to stop being so nervous and that all of this was no big deal.  I explained to him that, since he hasn't gone to most of my appointments, he wouldn't know that I had been told that shorter cycles was a sign of impending menopause.  He scoffed at me, telling me that was impossible since I'm so young, and I told him age didn't matter, you start menopause when you run out of eggs, and I'm running out of eggs really quickly.  So then I accused him of not being supportive, and he vehemently disagreed.  I'm starting to get pretty angry about his attitude.  I don't feel like I'm asking too much, honestly.

I'm feeling quite apprehensive about my professional life as well.  I didn't get the promotion I applied for.  It's not a terrible thing, and I suspect I didn't get it because they didn't want to do another round of hiring to fill my old position.  I was recently "transferred" from one position to a different position within my branch at work, and they haven't filled my previous position as it is, which means I'm covering two positions now.  I don't think they wanted me to move onto a third so quickly, even though the first transfer was involuntary.  While my job isn't all that bad, and it certainly helps pay the bills, it really isn't what I want to be doing.  Not getting the promotion is making me question why I'm staying, but the truth is I've stayed here so long because I have no idea what else to do.  My previous occupation is far too volatile for someone who is the primary breadwinner in the family.  I wasn't good enough at it to rely on it for a decent income, plus my current health issues would make it really difficult.  I would love to go back to school to study computer science or physical science, but I'm still paying loans for the degree I already have (which I don't even use).

Transportation is a problem

I realized today that not only do I need a plan for getting from the clinic to work after monitoring appointments, I will also probably need a plan to get TO the clinic from work for my first monitoring appointment, since I likely won't be able to schedule it ahead of time.  I started doing some research, and I realized that our city no longer does bus transfers.  Since there isn't a bus that goes directly to the clinic from my work, I would have to pay two fares.  Each way.  Each fare is $2.50.  That's insane!  If I knew ahead of time that I would need to take 4 buses in one day, I could probably buy a $6 daily pass, but I'm not sure where to buy those passes.  Obviously, working downtown next to the capital building has its perks (lots of great restaurants!  shopping!  parks!  etc, etc) but the transportation situation is far from ideal.

I'm also seriously irritated with the radiology department.  It turns out the most likely day that I would need to go in for an HSG is Friday, July 3.  Our department only does them on Fridays, and they only have 8 spots, so you have to reserve as early as possible, which is really, really hard when your cycle is irregular.  Turns out, radiology is closed on the 3rd for Independence Day, and the following week will likely be too late.  If my period starts in the next two days (which it might), I could possibly get my HSG next week, but of course the spots have probably been filled for weeks already.  So I would have to wait another month AGAIN.  Obviously, we're just skipping the HSG at this point, because this is getting ridiculous.

Good news for the day

Yesterday was my injection training, and it went pretty well.  I mean, as well as it could go, considering it involves jabbing needles into my abdomen.  I'm not looking forward to actually doing it.  I'm also not looking forward to monitoring appointments, mostly due to transportation logistics.  All monitoring appointments are in the morning, which is great, but then I would have to get to work.  Somehow.  My husband can drop me off before my appointments (hopefully with a minimum of grumbling about it), and then I'd be on my own.  It's a 5-mile bike ride to work (totally doable, but with the added difficulty of having to bring the bike in/on the car, as our bike rack is difficult) or I can take two different buses, which will take approximately 40 minutes, not including time waiting for the bus.  Which actually isn't THAT much less time that it would take me to bike, and biking has the added benefit of me getting more exercise.  I will have to think about this, and talk it over with my husband, who I anticipate will be grouchy about the whole thing.  I think my period will start Sunday or sometime next week, so at the point we'll have to figure it all out.  I've already had a bit of spotting and it's only D 18.  Which makes sense, I guess. 

Speaking of exercise (which we were, right?), I've FINALLY started a serious exercise program.  Sort of.  In two weeks, I'm switching back to a regular schedule at work, meaning I will work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day.  Right now, I work 9 hours a day and take one day off every other week, which was great in theory, but I never had enough time during the day to do what needed to be done.  Like exercise.  With my 8-hour days, I will start working at 7:15 (That's right!  Way earlier than I EVER want to be anywhere), having been dropped off by my sweetie-pie.  I'll have a half hour lunch and be done at 3:45, at which point I will go to the gym and work out and take the 5:40 bus home, or I will take the 4:10 bus home and exercise at home.

So far, I've been walking a lot and taking the stairs to the 6th floor multiple times a day.  Sunday morning, my husband and I biked to the next town (17 miles round trip) and in the afternoon we swam a bit, but not laps, just recreational swimming.  Yesterday morning I ran half a mile, then did a bunch of gardening, and then after my injection training I went to the gym, rock-climbed for about 45 minutes, and did 15 minutes on the rowing machine at a medium intensity.  My core was burning after 10 minutes, but I pushed through.

Ha!  I hit publish and forgot to mention the good news I was talking about.  My sweet kitty Max went in for his annual check-up and they did what they call a "senior screen".  Last year he was diagnosed with stage 1 kidney failure and I was so, so worried that things had gotten worse.  This is a new vet, and despite attempts by myself and the new vet receptionist, we couldn't get the old vet to send over his records - they said they would, and nothing ever came.  Anyway, his test results came back yesterday and everything was normal!  No kidney failure.  The vet said his lab results last year could have been the result of dehydration.  So I've been spending a fortune on a special diet and forcing him to eat it, even though he didn't want to, for no reason whatsoever.  But that doesn't matter, my sweet baby is ok!  Even if he is 14.  Here's a picture of how much I love him:

It's Friday

It's going to be over 100 here, but at least it's Friday!  And we have a swimming pool if the heat gets to be too much.

I realized recently that a lot of the reading and commenting I've done on other infertility sites was using my old wordpress log-in, from a blog from before I was so wrapped up in my own infertility and the most important thing on my mind was fixing up my house.  I'm still interested in fixing up my house (I am, by training anyway, an architect, and I really love working on houses), but since then we've sold my house and bought a new one together, one that is big enough to hold the family we hope to have.  Yesterday, I figured out how to follow other people's blogs (I think - I'm still unsure of how all that works, exactly).  So hopefully that will help me to interact with other blogs a bit more.  I'm not THAT old but sometimes I feel like cursing all this newfangled tech stuff.

My husband has decided to come with me to injection training Monday.  I think he's realizing how freaked out I am by all of this.  I'm not sure if he realizes that I'm not just freaked out by needles (which I am, despite the fact that I have 10 piercings, mostly in my ears) but also by the hormones.  I'm generally a healthy person.  I don't eat meat, I try to eat mostly organic, I almost never eat fast food, I don't drink soda, I eat lots and lots of fruits and veggies, and I attempt to exercise.  I try my hardest not to eat or drink anything with random weird chemicals, and I limit processed food as much as I can.  I do drink wine and beer, but no one is perfect.  I'm just not that excited about injecting a bunch of hormones into my body all at once.

I stepped on the scale

I'm not sure if it was a mistake or not.  I'm super depressed by how much I weigh, but now that I know what the number is, I'm also inspired to begin losing weight immediately.  As in, yesterday I went to the gym and really worked out.  I'm sore today, but in a good way.  I'm hoping I can keep this up, lose at least 20 pounds, and get healthy again.

So I mentioned that my injection training is on Monday.  Unfortunately, my husband is probably not going with me.  Wanna know why?  He tried planning a motorcycle trip with his brothers for the end of the month.  They both said no, which doesn't surprise me at all, so now he's decided to go by himself.  I really, really want him to do social things and pursue his passions, but I'm really irritated by this for two reasons:

1) He basically has no vacation time left, which means we can never do anything together that involves time off of work, like going on a real vacation.  He keeps using his time off for things like staying home to wait for the internet guy on a weekday instead of waiting for a weekend, because he couldn't go three more days without netflix.  So going to injection training with me is impossible, and it's possible he may have to take some time off WITHOUT PAY to go to this stupid motorcycle event.  By himself.  While I stay home and take care of the house and animals, after learning to inject myself with needles so I can carry his baby.

2) Now that we're married, we have 5 pets, we're trying to have a baby, and we have a new house that's far from everything, I never get to do anything I enjoy anymore.  I never go to the gym, go rock-climbing, hiking, camping, see my friends, go out for music or drinks or ANYTHING.  He keeps telling me that I can do these things, but living so far from everything means transportation is a real problem.  I either have to take public transportation, which doesn't run late enough for me to do anything after work, or I'm dependent on him to drive me, since I don't have anywhere to park near my office.  Trying to get him to do anything outdoors on the weekends is like pulling teeth.  I was so excited when I met him because it seemed like he liked to do all of the outdoorsy things that I like, but we've gone camping twice, and hiking maybe twice in the last two years.  I'm getting really disillusioned.

Honestly, I worry that having a baby will make me even more isolated.  And the whole trying to have a baby thing is making me cranky ALL THE TIME.  I know I'm the woman and all, but I'm also the primary breadwinner and I take care of all of the things that keep our lives running, like paying bills, and grocery shopping and budgeting and whatnot.  I know that I have to do most of the work in dealing with infertility, but I'm feeling like I have no support.  I think he's only been to one doctor's appointment with me.  He was only there for one of my surgeries, because (surprise!) he didn't have enough time off to be there for the second one.  I just feel really unsupported.  Am I asking for too much?

Mondays. Ugh.

My husband's cat got into a fight on Friday, and we didn't notice until late Friday night.  His ear and the area behind it were torn up.  He was missing a ton of fur, and there was a lot of blood involved.  So he had an emergency trip to the vet Saturday morning, he's been on medication, and he needs to stay inside for two weeks.  He was pretty doped up from all the medication, so he didn't really notice until last night that he's confined to the house.  Combined with the extreme heat (100 degrees outside, 90 degrees inside until we turned on the AC), the situation caused him to spend the night wandering the house, yowling.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep well, which really sucks since I have an interview this afternoon.  I won't mind too much if I don't get the job, since it's not THAT much better than the job I have right now, but a little pay bump would be nice.  And it comes with a corner cube with a great view.

I bought new pants for the interview, and for work in general.  It's gotten to the point where I can't fit into my pants anymore. I try to eat healthfully, but with a full-time job, a commute, a new house, a husband that doesn't always like to pitch in, and 5 pets, I'm overwhelmed.  On top of that, I have no time for exercising (I used to exercise every day).  In addition to the weight gain, my joints are starting to feel old and creaky, and my muscles have atrophied.  I'm getting tired of people telling me I look fine, though.  I obviously don't.  What's happening to me right now is NOT healthy.  I'm hoping once our house is a bit more settled (and we're getting closer all the time!), I'll have time to exercise more.

My husband and I have decided to DTD (do the deed, one of the few baby-making euphemisms that doesn't bother me) every other day until I'm pretty sure I've ovulated.  We've decided not to do ovulation testing anymore, since it just makes me cranky.  I have injection training next Monday.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I'm terrified of needles.  I've gotten used to having blood drawn and getting shots, but I can't watch it being done, and I'm grateful that it's not too frequent of an occurrence.  But the thought of having to give myself shots, which I imagine would require me actually looking, and doing them every day if not multiple times a day is horrifying to me.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can get pregnant naturally this month.

Spotting?

So today is the day my cycle should have started.  I guess.  I've had some very low-grade cramping all week, and this morning I went to the bathroom and there was pink spotting.  Not only do I not know what is going on, I don't have any idea what to do.  Go to the doctor?  Email a doctor (I don't know who - my regular OBGYN?  One of the fertility clinic doctors?).  Or is it just the last vestiges of my period working their way out and I shouldn't worry at all?

For the record, I have gone twice this morning, both times including BMs (sorry, TMI?) and I'm feeling much less like I'm having my period, and the spotting stopped the second time.  Back when my periods were more normal, I often had a final "push" on day 5 or 6, sometimes to the point of bleeding through ALL of my protection and clothes, and then my period would abruptly stop.  So I'm thinking that's what's happening.  I grew up in a household where my mom was a serious hypochondriac who projected it onto her children, and took us to the doctor whenever we mentioned any possible ailment, certain that we had cancer.  Now that I'm an adult, I really have no good concept of what warrants being seen by a doctor.

In other news.  My husband and I bought a Karlstad couch.  It's HUGE and we love it.  we bought the 3+2 and added on a chaise, which I thought meant converting one of the sections into a chaise.  I didn't realize it involved adding on another whole piece, but luckily it fits perfectly in our family room and now we can fit both of our extended families quite comfortably on one piece of furniture.

We tried out our dog run for the first time last night when we went to dinner, and the dogs seem to really like it.  I'm so relieved.  Our dogs can be incredibly destructive, so we can't really leave them alone unless they're in crates, and since I don't like leaving them in their crates a lot, we tend to just not go anywhere.  Now they have a nice big dog run outside, and have space to play and relax, and they can be together.  It's so much better, and as soon as we get a dog house for them, I'll feel a lot better about going out to dinner or running errands and doing fun stuff on the weekends.

Another month

I randomly started my period on Saturday morning, 6 days early.  I have so little bleeding now that the only way I can tell I'm starting is the debilitating cramps.  They are so bad I can't even stand up straight, and getting out of bed is miserable.  I actually did have quite a bit of blood on Saturday, then a little Sunday, and that was it.  It was over by Sunday night.  I don't get it.

Since I started 6 days early, I had to call Monday morning and try to reschedule my HSG for this week instead of next week.  I was informed that there was already a long waiting list and I'd be better off waiting for next month.  She then asked when my next period should start.  I practically started crying, and said I didn't know - with my period varying between 22 and 28 days, how would I know?  And I seriously have to wait ANOTHER month just because of bureaucracy?  So then she said we could start a medicated cycle immediately without doing an HSG, but if there were problems we didn't know about, we'd be wasting time and money.  My husband and I immediately decided to start right away.  We've waited so long, and we don't want to wait any more.

The nurse said I'd have to come in that day for an ultrasound, so I raced in to take the appointment they had available.  I was informed I'd have to go to an injection training class that afternoon (and here I thought I'd be taking pills, but I guess not), and they proceeded to do the ultrasound.  5-6 follicles in my right ovary!  Not bad considering my other factors, really.  At first they couldn't see the left ovary, but then they found the cyst that was apparently obscuring it.  It was 19mm, and they immediately stopped the ultrasound and told me this cycle was not an option.  I was pretty upset.  My husband was REALLY upset.  So once again, we're waiting.  And maybe trying naturally.  I guess.  He doesn't seem to understand that since my last ovulation positive was on the 18th day of the month (not my cycle - the month), it won't necessarily be on June 18th.  I'm pretty sure he understands that my cycles are 27-28 days (normally), but I think he tends to think of them as "monthly" unless I specifically tell him otherwise.

In other news!  I built a nice big garden bed for myself and planted some fabulous veggies (heirloom tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumber, basil, and a few hot peppers for the husband).  We replaced the non-functioning toilet in our master bath and the horrible shower head, and it is so nice to have a working master bathroom again!  I started drawing up plans for a complete master bathroom and closet remodel, which is starting to bleed into a master bedroom redo as well.  Which we can't afford, seeing as how we just bought: a new IKEA couch, new motorcycle helmets, a Dyson vacuum, a racing bicycle, a car, a new radiator for our old car, a fridge, a HOUSE, and some other stuff I can't remember right now...  Yeah.  We've been spending money likes it's going out of style.  And yes, we got amazing deals on most of that stuff, but sheesh.  Time to batten down the hatches and save for infertility treatments.

I've been having some mild cramping this morning.  Actually, it's so mild, I wouldn't even call it cramping.  I also had what I think was a bit of spotting, but it was so faint it could have just been my imagination.  Today is day 21 of this cycle.  I guess.  Does this mean my period is going to start?  Or maybe this is the beginning of 4-5 days of spotting before my cycle starts.  Or, I suppose it could be implantation, but I seriously doubt that.  It feels more like PMS.

I have to admit that I think my chances of getting pregnant without donor eggs or embryos are pretty low.  To be honest, if someone asked me if I thought I would ever get pregnant with my own eggs, I would have to say no.  I really, really don't think it will happen without help.  I'm not sure it will happen WITH help.  Sometimes I feel like I'm being pessimistic, but as we approach the end of the 18th month of trying, I'm starting to think that I'm just being realistic.

I've stopped ovulation testing.  I'm pretty much out of test strips and I don't want to buy more.  It seems somewhat pointless - regardless of when or whether I ovulate, I'm not going to get pregnant the old-fashioned way.  And testing was driving me crazy, what with having to remember to stop drinking, hold my pee all afternoon, and all that.

My husband is talking about taking bereavement leave next week.  I don't know if he's thinking about flying back to England for the funeral or just taking the time off and being at home.  He's not in a good frame of mind for working right now, though.  He doesn't seem upset, just sad.  And angry with his family for not getting along better.

A beautiful weekend, then sadness

I found out this morning that my husband's beloved grandmother had passed away.  Unfortunately, I had to be the one to tell him, because I found out from a social media post from his father, who hadn't gotten around to informing his own son.  I hate being the bearer of bad news.  I've never had a grandparent of my own who I really loved (three died before I was born, the fourth was loved but could also be mean and made my family's life really, really difficult), so I have a hard time understanding the loss of a grandparent.  I feel so bad for my husband today. 

But we did have a beautiful weekend this past weekend.  We drove from our home in California up to Washington state, pausing to camp near Mt. Shasta in the rain.  We visited my brother east of Seattle, then took a ferry to the San Juan Islands to visit my husband's father (the son of the grandmother who just passed).  It was incredibly beautiful.  We didn't manage to see any whales, but we did see a bald eagle, which was cool.  The island that his father lives on was pretty great.  The towns of Friday Harbor and Roche Harbor were ridiculously cute, the food was fantastic (I LOVE seafood), and I needed the time away.  Unfortunately, we had to get up at 5 almost every day due to logistical issues with transportation, but it was still so nice to get away, and the pacific northwest is a place that I love (and would love to live, if I could talk my husband into it).

I took yesterday off from work to stay home and put in garden beds.  I only got one built, but it was huge!  4 feet wide, 8 feet long, made of 2x12 redwood lumber.  The 8-foot-long pieces were super heavy and really awkward to carry by myself.  Now I just need to get my husband to help me fill it with soil and we'll be able to grow tomatoes!  I'm planning to build another garden bed, but it may not be ready in time for the summer growing season.  As long as I have tomatoes, though, I'm happy.

On the fertility front, nothing is happening.  As usual.  My period should start next week, at which point I need to call to confirm my HSG for the following week.  I'm hoping that my period actually starts normally, instead of having days and days of spotting with maybe a day or two of regular bleeding.  I guess we'll see.

I've been nominated!

Thank you to Sweeping Up The Broken Pieces for nominating me for the Real Neat Blog award!  How exciting!  Luckily, it doesn't involved placing widgets or anything on my blog, because I have no clue how to do that and my head might explode.

Here are my questions (with answers, of course!):

1. What is your favorite memory from high school?

Hmmm, this is a toughie.  I didn't love high school, but I didn't hate it.  It just kind of... was.  Oh!  I know!  We had two teachers, Mr. Newborn (who I had for AP English) and Mr. Holmes (who I had previously had for Geometry).  They were constantly pranking each other, and it was so great hearing about all the pranks.  My senior year, Mr. Newborn decorated his classroom Christmas tree with bubble lights and bragged in class that his tree was prettier than Mr. Holmes' tree.  Quite a few students had Mr. Holmes for AP Calculus (I was not lucky enough - I had Mr. Takagishi, who was teaching it for the first time and hadn't quite gotten the hang of it yet) and word got back to him about the tree and he went over the top, decorating his classroom with everything imaginable and making bubble lights a small, insignificant part of the decor.  Of course, Mr. Newborn heard about this and wrote a long letter using quite a few big words about how the spirit of the season was lost, printed it up on a giant piece of fluorescent orange paper, and taped it to Mr Holmes' door for everyone to see.  

2. Who is your favorite athlete?

I'm not really all that into sports, but I do appreciate women athletes who inspire me.  Beth Rodden, Lynn Hill, Mia Hamm, Venus and Serena Williams.  As a child, I really loved Nadia Comaneci.

3. When did you know your husband/wife/significant other was “the one?”

I'm not really sure, actually.  When I met him, I knew he was special.  When he actually talked about his feelings and didn't act all macho, I knew I wanted to keep him around.

4. How best do you relax after a stressful day?

With a glass of wine!  Honestly, I kind of enjoy cleaning and organizing my house, at least when the end is in sight.  When everything is where it's supposed to be and I have a glass of wine and a good show to watch or book to read, I'm happy.

5. If you could star in any TV show which show would it be?

How can I choose, there are so many!  Assuming we can choose shows that have already ended, I would pick Firefly, Battlestar Galactica, any of the newer Star Treks, or Gilmore Girls. 

6. If you auditioned on American Idol what song would you sing?

 Honestly, I have no idea. 

7. What is your favorite comfort food?

Matzo ball soup would be at the top of my list for sure.  It's what I want every time I feel sick.

I'm not going to nominate anyone at the moment, mostly because I don't know who to nominate. 

Aaaarrrgghh

I'm writing this post on my phone.  Huh, that's not something I ever thought I'd say.  Anyway,  I'm at one of my favorite coffee shops,  which is pretty much the only good thing about my situation.

I was already having kind of a crappy day.  I saw two pregnancy announcements on Facebook today,  both for friends having their third child.  There was another third child announcement earlier this week too.  So I'm pretty grumpy.  We leave for Washington tomorrow,  and we haven't prepared at all,  since my husband's usual strategy is to wait until the last minute.  I hate waiting until the last minute since I inevitably forget something,  usually something important.  Considering I'm legally blind without corrective lenses,  that's a chance i just can't take.

Anyway,  due to my husband getting sick,  we had a motorcycle downtown where he works and we needed to drive the car in for work today.  I don't have parking,  so we came up with a plan that involved him dropping me off with my bicycle and parking the car at his hospital.  I would then bike to the hospital after work,  load up the bike (which is not easy) and then drive home in rush hour traffic while he left earlier with the motorcycle.  I wasn't thrilled. My main objective in any workday is to avoid traffic,  and this plan ensured i would end up in the worst of it.

Everything was going swimmingly until i finally got on the freeway and i noticed smoke coming out of the front of the car.  I managed to get off the freeway quickly and ended up in the parking lot of a fast food restaurant in a really bad part of town.  The manager of the restaurant came out and took a look and pronounced my radiator cracked.

So now I'm sitting at a coffee shop in a marginally better part of town,  having had the car towed to my favorite mechanic,  waiting for the hubs to show up with my in - laws' truck.

The funny part of the whole story is that i bought an heirloom tomato last night, intending to make a fabulous salad tonight.  I've been looking forward to that salad all day, and i had this funny feeling that something was going to prevent me from having it.  I thought it would probably our dog breaking out of her crate and going on a rampage in the kitchen.  Instead I've got some major car repairs to pay for.

So the moral of the story is that i really want to create an app that removes pregnancy announcements from social media feeds.  Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Waiting, hoping (and pictures!)

This month seems like a waste.  The hubs has been sick the last two days, complete with projectile vomiting and a fever, and I'm probably going to ovulate in the next few days, so I doubt this month will be the month.  I'm still tentatively scheduled for an HSG on June 12th, assuming my period starts when I think it will.  So now I just wait it out and hope what few eggs I have left haven't all shriveled up and died by the time we get to do anything.

We're settling in to our house pretty well.  We still have a LOT more to do, but at the moment it's livable.  The commute isn't too bad, either.  I'm not a fan of commutes that take longer than 5-10 minutes by car (which is why I was living in a not-so-nice neighborhood before), but 25 minutes without traffic isn't all that bad.

In the meantime, while we wait, we have gone on something of a spending spree.  While we have spent a lot of money lately on things like fixing up our old house, medical bills, and moving expenses, we haven't spend much on ourselves.  So we bought a VW camper van!  Woohoo!  I'm hoping this means that we'll get to go camping a LOT more.  I also finally replaced my bike that was stolen in January.  That bike, which I loved, was 10 years old.  Things have changed a lot in 10 years, it seems.  My new bike is super fancy and I can't wait to take it our for a spin.  I probably would have already if my husband wasn't sick and we weren't planning to leave for Washington state tomorrow.

And I finally, finally, finally got a new phone.  My old phone had gotten to the point where certain apps (my bank's app, starbucks, etc) wouldn't work anymore at all.  The camera was so sluggish that I couldn't take pictures, and they looked really weird when I did manage to get something.  The phone body was literally coming apart, and even though I kept it plugged in all day at work, if I didn't plug it in at night it would be dead by morning.  The guys at Best Buy couldn't believe it was still working considering it's age (3 years!).  So it was definitely time.  I upgraded to a Samsung Galaxy S3.  Probably ancient technology for most people, but so new and exciting for me!  I can take pictures again!  And just to show you, I'll add a bunch of gratuitous kitty and puppy pictures to this post:

First up, we have Boss.  This is how he always looks.  I often call him Mr. Grumpy Pants.  Every time I try to do anything in any sort of reclined position, this is what happens about five minutes later. 

This is Max in his new favorite spot, wedged between my dresser and the bedroom window.  My husband says he gets the award for best otter impression:

A view of our dogs from the top of the stairs.  This room is turning into the dog room.  I'm not entirely happy about that.

Nymeria actually using a cat bed!  She really, really loves the brown dresser in the back corner.  That dresser is going to go into the "nursery" as soon as we get around to moving it.  She won't be happy.

Nymeria yawning really big!

Max by my pillow, Nymeria by the foot of the bed, and if you look close you can see D's head in the top left corner.  As you can see, they leave plenty of space for me.

The dogs grudgingly sharing their bed.  I think it might be time to get a second one.

Meh

I called the Reproductive Health Clinic this morning to get things rolling on our next step.  The nurse who answered read the doctor's notes and tentatively scheduled me for an HSG on June 12th, with tentative plans to begin a medicated cycle the following month - July.  Which is OVER A YEAR since we first saw a doctor about our problems conceiving.  We're both getting really impatient.  An hour or so after making the phone call, I finally got an email from my doctor about medicated cycles, which said nothing about an HSG, and telling me to talk to a nurse about injections and medication amounts.  So I emailed back asking if he still wanted me to get an HSG, and I don't expect to hear back for at least a few more days.

We've been having all kinds of problems with our water pressure upstairs, to the point where I dread taking a shower now.  In the master bathroom, there is pretty much no water pressure at all.  The first plumber I talked to suggested the shower head might be clogged, especially if the house was old, but I took the shower head off and turned the water on and it was still just a trickle.  The second bathroom has plenty of pressure when the water is cold, but as I turn it to hot, it barely gets warm before it's turned all the way, and then all of a sudden it's super hot with no pressure at all.  The first plumber that was assigned to us by our home warranty company called me to tell me they'd be there the next day (which was Wednesday).  I stayed home all day waiting, and when no one showed up, I finally called them.  They first insisted they didn't have an appointment for me, then demanded to know who made the appointment.  I told them that they did, at which point they informed me that my appointment was actually the following Wednesday, and made me feel stupid for assuming they would even be in my town that day, even though I confirmed the date twice when they called to make the appointment.  So I spent a whole day at home and still can't really take a shower.  I'm beginning to really despise service people.  I looked them up on yelp and they got TERRIBLE reviews, mostly for not showing up, or disappearing mid-job, so maybe we dodged a bullet there.

My husband was kind enough to call the warranty company back and they're sending out a different plumber tomorrow.  But I had already called another plumber and scheduled them to come Sunday, and now I can't remember who I called!  I feel so bad. 

Everyone is pregnant

Yesterday morning, I received an email from a very good friend of mine, inviting a group of women (including my sister) to go hiking over memorial day weekend.  Luckily, I will be out of town, because she mentioned that it would be an easy hike because half of the invitees are pregnant.  Obviously, my sister is one of the pregnant ones, and obviously, I am not.  I know my friend isn't pregnant, and another mutual friend is probably not pregnant (since I think she's done having kids), so the other mutual friend is pregnant, as well as other woman whom I haven't met (although I know her husband).  The two pregnant women who are not my sister were married sometime in the last few years.  They are younger than me.  They are PREGNANT.  Everyone in the group will be pregnant or already has kids.  Thank goodness I already had a reason to decline, since I didn't want to seem petty, but I really don't see how I could spend time with a group of women when that many of them are pregnant.  Ugh.

And then last night I went to my weekly game night.  I'm generally the only woman there, and another friend who got married a few months before me comes occasionally but not every week.  He was there last night, and happily announced his wife's pregnancy.

I am getting frustrated with the timing of things as well.  I just checked, and we sent in our donor embryo application a month ago.  I was so excited that we were doing something!  And here it is, a month later, and nothing has really happened. 

I survived the weekend

I was planning to write an entire post about my weekend, but I just got off the phone with the clinic and I'm getting really irritated.  Because we've decided to try at least one medicated IUI cycle before trying IVF with donated embryos, apparently we'll have a different case coordinator.  And the previous case coordinator didn't pass on all of my paperwork to the new case coordinator, and so she called to tell me that I was going to have to get all this testing done.  Tests that I've ALREADY had done.  She also kept explaining what a saline sonogram was for, which I obviously know since I've had two surgeries to remove fibroids.  I don't understand the point of providing my medical history if no one is going to look at it.

But anyway.  I made it through mother's day without having to see my mother, or any mothers, really.  Which was awesome.  My husband and I moved a ton of furniture around, and I carried lots and lots of boxes upstairs.  I also cleared enough space in the garage to have our bicycles easily accessible, and to fit our motorcycles in.

Does life ever get back to "normal"?

I just about ripped someone's head off yesterday.  Between not having internet (even though we've had people out to install it three times - today will be the fourth (and hopefully last) time), being billed for the wrong procedure for my January surgery, not hearing from the fertility clinic, and dealing with everything that comes with moving, I'm running out of patience.

So yesterday, I called Kaiser billing and was told (by a customer service representative, NOT a medical professional) that if I had fibroids removed, I definitely had a laparoscopy.  I wanted to reach through the phone and shake the guy and shout, "you know there's a natural opening to the uterus right?  It isn't necessary to cut through my abdomen to get there!  I had the exact same procedure in October, and I wasn't billed for a laparoscopy then!"  But I refrained, and just repeated that I did not, in fact, have a laparoscopy, and I knew I didn't have one by the simple fact that there was no incision.  OMG.  This is getting ridiculous.

I called the fertility clinic again yesterday, and talked to a different person.  Instead of being snippy, this person transferred me to the case manager, who basically said that no one had even tried to get the doctor's notes so they could call me.  I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't kept pushing - my file would have languished in limbo forever?  It's not like I'm not offering to pay them thousands and thousands of dollars for their help.  I don't get it.  Supposedly, she was going to email me yesterday afternoon or tomorrow morning.  It's still early this morning, but I haven't received anything.

Negative

After the shortest period ever, I decided to take a pregnancy test just in case.  It was negative.  Of course.  I'm not sure what to think about my "period".  It lasted, at most, a few hours.  I'm calling the clinic today to find out just when someone will call me about an appointment.  I'm getting quite irritated.  Why can't I just find a doctor who will work with me???

And Mother's Day is this weekend.  Luckily, I have an out-of-town wedding Saturday evening, and even though we'll be back Sunday late morning, at the moment we're not planning to do anything.  Not surprisingly, I'm not really feeling like celebrating.  My sister is doing something with my mom on Saturday, since she didn't start planning early enough to get a reservation for Sunday.  My sister and I are both pretty low-key people, and neither of us would necessarily want to go out for a fancy Mother's Day meal (not that I'm a mother, but she is).  Our mother, on the other hand, always wants a nice meal at an expensive place, regardless of what anyone else wants.  Now that my sister is a mother, you would think my mom would take that into consideration, but she really doesn't care what my sister wants.  She only sees what she wants, and what her children aren't doing for her that they "should" be doing.

I've sort of been avoiding calling her, partly because I don't want to get suckered into driving out there for Mother's Day (and we NEVER spend time with D's mom for Mother's Day - that would really make my mother angry, because as far as she's concerned, she's more important than D's mother), and partly because we're planning to visit my brother for Memorial Day weekend and my mother wants to get a ride with us.  My husband has flat-out said that a 14-hour drive with my mother is NOT happening, but my mother is not taking no for an answer.  She insisted I think about it and let her know, and obviously my answer has not changed (still no!) but I don't want to argue about it anymore.

Ugh. 

We moved!

Moving sucks.  It really, really sucks.  My husband's brothers did not show up to help, and we really needed the help (I was not surprised).  We were supposed to be out by 3, and we left with the final load at 2:40.  We're not even close to being finished with unpacking in the new house, but it feels really good to be all in one place.

I thought I started my period yesterday.  I had plenty of cramping, and a bit of blood.  Then the bleeding stopped, but the cramping didn't.  This morning, there was a lot more cramping and a tiny bit of blood, and this afternoon has been pretty quiet on the camping front, with no blood (the cramping died down a LOT after I took four ibuprofin and had a bowel movement).  So did I get my period?  It seems like it, I guess.  But who knows?  I'm tired of this whole situation.  No one has called me from the doctor's office to schedule my saline sonogram.  I don't even know what to tell them about when my period started.  I'm incredibly overwhelmed right now.

My husband is being difficult too.  He got home last night, and I informed him that the internet company never showed up to do the install, and I called them and rescheduled for Saturday.  I also told him I couldn't find the dog beds we wanted, so I got a different one, and only one, so the dogs could try it.  He was extremely angry about the internet, even though I'm the one who was supposed to be working from home and he only uses it for video games.  He was also annoyed about the dog bed, I have no idea why.  He spent most of the evening in a bad mood.  I went to bed early, without him.  I don't know why every day I'm always so happy and excited to see him, and then he's always in a bad mood and drags me down with him.

As you can see, the dogs like the bed a lot:

First consult with donor doctor - and A New Hope! (Not the star wars kind)

I had an awesome conversation with the doctor today.  He not only went over the donor embryo program with me (which works completely differently than how I thought), he went over all of my options.  He had looked at all of my test results before calling, and had a lot of information to give me.

For one thing, he said that even though I'm 36 but have the AMH levels of someone in their 40s, all it really means is that I produce fewer eggs.  He said the quality of my eggs should be the same as any other 36-year-old, and if we can use medication to help me produce as many eggs as other 36-year-olds, there is no reason why I couldn't get pregnant without resorting to IVF or donors.  He suggested starting with a clomid cycle and seeing how my body responds and go from there.  I'm really excited about that.

He also went over different options for using donated eggs with my husband's sperm, some of which aren't that much more expensive than the donor embryo program (but there is no money-back guarantee), so we will be able to consider those as well.  He mentioned (which I already knew) that using a donor program isn't age-dependent, so if we wanted to try to have our own, we should try that first. 

So!  I have to go in for a saline sonogram on CD 6-10, which will be coming up soon (today is CD 22, so I'm expecting my period to start sometime in the next couple of days).  And then we can get started!  Yay!  And if things look really, really bad on a medicated cycle, we can always start a donor cycle of some sort right away.

Speaking of donor cycles...  I assumed a donor embryo program would be comprised of embryos that had been donated, such as in the case of a couple who produced numerous embryos, had finished building their family, and didn't want to destroy the extras.  This is not the case.  Apparently, they take donor eggs and donor sperm and create embryos that are then matched with multiple couples, which is how they keep costs down.  So they're not embryos that have been donated, they are embryos created from donor eggs and donor sperm.  It sounds kind of weird, but I find that I'm not as excited about that.  For one thing, my husband's sperm are (mostly) fine.  It seems weird to deliberately use donor sperm when we don't have to.  It's one thing if the embryos had already been created (waste not, want not and all that), but that's not what's happening here.

Anyway, following the doctor's suggestion, I tried calling to schedule my saline sonogram, and they woman who answered was super short with me.  She informed me that they haven't received the doctor's notes yet, and when they do, they will be calling me.  Apparently, I shouldn't be bothering them.  I hate it when a doctor us super helpful and the support staff is the opposite.  Don't they realize that if I'm coming there as a patient, I'm probably not in the best frame of mind?  I'm starting my period any day now!  I need to schedule this test ASAP!  I don't have months to waste, my AMH is dropping incredibly quickly!

Hospital bills

Ooooh, but first: house news!  Technically, our house sold today!  We're renting back through Saturday so we can move.  We signed the papers on the new house yesterday, and we should be on track for keys Friday, I hope.  The best part about it all is that we won't have a house payment until July, which is the most reassuring thing I've heard in quite some time.

Now to move on to what is frustrating the hell out of me.  I got a second bill for my surgery in January (the myomectomy to remove the fibroids that were supposedly preventing pregnancy, even though my AMH was plunging, unknown to everyone).  I had assumed that the first insanely high bill that we got covered the entire surgery.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Apparently, the first bill was just for physicians services, it didn't include the hospital charges, which are much, much higher.  The bill doesn't show what portion will be covered by insurance, so that will be a nice surprise when that bill arrives.

But here's the kicker: I dug out the first bill, which I had been planning to pay as soon as our house sold, and I noticed that I was being charged for a laparoscopy.  I didn't have a laparoscopy, I had a hysteroscopy.  So that's just one more thing I need to take care of.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will lower the cost of the procedure.  I really don't understand why we can't have simpler healthcare billing in this country.  It's just mind-blowing to me.

Anyway, today is my telephone consultation for embryo donation!  Yay!  I'm really looking forward to getting the (very expensive) progress started.

This week is going to be crazy

We begin moving Friday (I hope!).  I still don't know for sure when we're signing papers and when we get keys.  We spent the weekend packing.  I'm very concerned about the amount of stuff we have.  I was raised as a pack-rat, but I yearn to be a minimalist.  It's difficult trying to reconcile the two.

So I finally made my husband log in to Kaiser and get the results of his semen analysis.  Not all of the numbers were in the ideal range, but I honestly have no idea what any of them mean, or how important it is for those particular numbers to be in the ideal range.  We were filling out the questionnaire for the donor embryo program, and it asked for the date of the test and the results.  My husband wanted to write "everything was fine" under results.  I don't know if he just doesn't believe that his numbers weren't ok (I mean, they were close, but they were NOT in the ideal range), or if he's in complete denial.  I suggested he email the doctor to find out what the numbers meant.  He refused.  I'm still a little upset about that.  I could probably email the doctor myself, but I'm not sure he would tell me anything.

Anyway, we sent in all the paperwork, and I have a phone consultation with a case manager Wednesday.  I'm looking forward to getting started.  At this point, I'm about a week past ovulation, and no pregnancy symptoms whatsoever, so I'm assuming this cycle, like all the others, was a bust.  And, as these things are wont to go, it seems likely I will start my period Friday or Saturday, which are our two big moving days.  I'm not really sure, since my period has been awfully strange since all of the surgeries, but the last two cycles were 22 and 24 days, and today is day 19 of this cycle, so really, any time after Wednesday is fair game.  I'm going to have to start loading up on 800mg ibuprofen starting Wednesday night and hope for the best, I guess.

I also want to talk a wee bit about Kaiser and their programs.  On the one hand, having 50% coverage for everything other than IVF is pretty nice.  On the other hand, I never talk to one person who works on both sides - if I want to do IVF, I see this person.  If I want to try other things, I see this other person.  I never talk to someone who can tell me what my best options are.  It's driving me a bit batty.  Obviously, we're pushing ahead with donor embryos, but I wish I had seen someone before my AMH dropped so low who could have helped guide me to the best decision.

It's the little things

I ovulated over the weekend!  Yay!  It's definitely a little thing, but it was pretty awesome.  It was CD 12, so not bad at all, really (and I totally could have tested the last two cycles, but whatevs).  Obviously, it doesn't mean I'm going to get pregnant, but it makes me feel better to see the smiley face.  And today I got an email from the donor embryo program to set up my first appointment for next week.  Hooray!

And, for an added bit of cheer, a picture of my new kitty Nymeria:

We had to have our house re-inspected on Monday.  That was quite a pain.  The buyer requested that so many stupid little things be fixed, many of which were broken since before I bought the house (so it was the previous owner who caused the damage).  Since they have an FHA loan, I didn't have much of a choice, which was really irritating.  Despite arguing a LOT with my husband, who wanted to fix everything with some electrical tape, I manged to get it all done and we passed the re-inspection with flying colors.

Yesterday was the house and pest inspection for our new house.  Other than some possible problems with the roof, everything looks good.  We'll have a roof inspection to see if we need to try to ask for a credit for repairs/replacement, and then hopefully we'll be done, which I really am looking forward to.  This whole situation is really stressing me out.  We still don't know for sure what day the buyers will close on our current house, what day we'll close on our new house, when we'll get the keys, and when we'll be moving for sure.  I have a plan, and I'm hoping it works.  I'm already arranging things to make it work, so if things change, that won't be fun.