I've been having some mild cramping this morning.  Actually, it's so mild, I wouldn't even call it cramping.  I also had what I think was a bit of spotting, but it was so faint it could have just been my imagination.  Today is day 21 of this cycle.  I guess.  Does this mean my period is going to start?  Or maybe this is the beginning of 4-5 days of spotting before my cycle starts.  Or, I suppose it could be implantation, but I seriously doubt that.  It feels more like PMS.

I have to admit that I think my chances of getting pregnant without donor eggs or embryos are pretty low.  To be honest, if someone asked me if I thought I would ever get pregnant with my own eggs, I would have to say no.  I really, really don't think it will happen without help.  I'm not sure it will happen WITH help.  Sometimes I feel like I'm being pessimistic, but as we approach the end of the 18th month of trying, I'm starting to think that I'm just being realistic.

I've stopped ovulation testing.  I'm pretty much out of test strips and I don't want to buy more.  It seems somewhat pointless - regardless of when or whether I ovulate, I'm not going to get pregnant the old-fashioned way.  And testing was driving me crazy, what with having to remember to stop drinking, hold my pee all afternoon, and all that.

My husband is talking about taking bereavement leave next week.  I don't know if he's thinking about flying back to England for the funeral or just taking the time off and being at home.  He's not in a good frame of mind for working right now, though.  He doesn't seem upset, just sad.  And angry with his family for not getting along better.