Beginning the TWW

So now I'm in the beginning of my first official TWW.  Crazy.

Let me back up a little.  I went in Saturday for the follow-up to my follicle sizing.  The follicle on the right had barely grown, and was around 13.5.  The left had surged ahead to 18.1, and my uterine lining was around 8.4 (I think, I should write these things down!).  So I was given the go-ahead to trigger that night at 10 pm.  We picked up the trigger shot and the sterile collection cup at the pharmacy and headed home, ecstatic that we were almost done with this cycle.

I'm a little sad that we likely only had one mature egg, but one is better than none.  We did the trigger shot at 10 pm.  I didn't feel the shot at all, but boy was my belly tender afterwards.  It was still sore yesterday, but this morning it seems fine.

Obviously, I had the actual insemination yesterday morning.  It was more painful than I thought it would be.  I was told that it would be easier than the HSG, but it wasn't, probably because the HSG involved injecting liquid into my uterine cavity, and the insemination was done using a catheter, which is a bit more sturdy.  My uterus is retroverted, and my back was killing me during and after the procedure, to the point that I turned on the heated seat in the car for the drive home, even though it was over 100 degrees yesterday. 

Another effect of the trigger shot was that it made me awfully lethargic.  I spent a lot of Sunday just laying around, and had no energy at all.  Yesterday, I had plans to get a LOT done, and I spent several hours just lying on the couch, although I'm sure the heat had something to do with it too.  My abdomen felt rather full and ever-so-slightly painful, sort of like a mild period or bad gas (really, more like bad gas than anything else).  And I felt a bit light-headed.  Today, I'm feeling much, much better, but still tired.

The heat is killing me, though.  It's only getting down into the upper 60s at night, so sleeping has been terrible.  I've never used AC so much in my life.  Today is forecast to be 110, and tomorrow will be 109, they say.  Due to the insemination, I couldn't jump in the pool yesterday, but I have every intention to get in today.  I'd love to swim laps, but I may not have the energy.  I went to the gym yesterday, but I was so exhausted and worried about jarring my innards that I didn't get a great workout.

The next two weeks are going to be hard, but I'm keeping my spirits up and trying hard not to get too anxious about everything. 

insemination time!

I'm sitting in the waiting room while they prepare my husband's sample.  I can't believe the day is here! Traffic was horrendous on the way here.  My appointment wasn't until 8:20, and i normally get to work at 7:15 or earlier, so i was really in the thick of rush hour traffic.  On top of that, i got stuck behind a convoy of trucks delivering rides to the state fair, which will be starting in a week or two.  It was surreal driving along with my husband's little guys safely tucked inside my shirt, following truck after truck loaded up with brightly colored pieces of carnival rides and an entire ticket booth.

i had a dream last night that we'd done the insemination but I'd forgotten to stay lying down for 10 minutes afterward and i had immediately rushed off to an amusement park.  Sort of a weird dream, makes me wonder if the cats were playing on the bed or something.

 I'm not only relieved to finally be doing something, I'm happy to not have to do anymore injections for at least two weeks.  That trigger shot was painful.   Wish me luck!

Fantabulous news!

I had my follicle sizing about an hour and a half ago.  My lining was 7.4, which was good.  And I had 2.5 follicles that were quite large!  My right ovary had one that was 12.6 (I think, I didn't write down exact measurements).  My left had one that was 13.9 and another that was 6.5 (hence the 2.5 follicles).  I don't hold out a ton of hope for the little 6.5, which is fine since I have 2 great follicles!!!  The doctor said I was responding really well to the medication.  I go back Saturday morning for a re-check, with a possibility of triggering Saturday night.

I actually have hope that this might work, which is kind of scary.  I've never had hope for a pregnancy before, and so I was never that upset when it didn't happen.  I expected to get my period every month.  Now I have hope, and that hope could be crushed so easily.  But even if this cycle ends with a BFN, at the very least I'll know that my body responds well to the meds and I can make at least 2 follicles, so IVF may not be a complete waste of time if that's where we end up.

Follicle Sizing tomorrow

I can't wait to see what's happening down there!  I realize it could be bad news.  My little follicles could still be little, or we could have a few nice-sized ones (I'm hoping for two good ones, that's all I ask), but either way, at least we'd know something, which is more than what we've known the last 19 months. 

My husband did a horrible job of injecting on Monday night.  It really hurt.  My husband said he could feel the medication going in.  I think he felt really bad, especially since he pinched my skin to get the needle in and then forgot to let go.  It was sore all day yesterday if I even touched it, like when I put something into my jacket pocket.  Last night went much more smoothly, and I barely even felt it.  D is getting so much better at mixing the meds and doing the injections.

OK, one non-IF paragraph: Our dogs are finally settling down a bit.  There were so many times I was ready to just bring them back to the shelter due to their behavior.  The only dog I'd ever had before was when I was young, and we got him when he was 3, so well past the puppy stage.  I had no idea puppies could be SO destructive and irritating, and while they're still a little destructive and irritating, they're also sweet and charming.  They love everyone, and they're turning into great dogs.

It's happening so fast

I went in for my baseline ultrasound on Friday.  Apparently, everything looked good because we were told to start injections that evening!  OMG!!!  I had four follicles on the right, and three or four on the left.  Not a lot, I know.  It makes me very concerned about IVF (also, I can't seem to stop talking about this cycle as if it's just a diagnostic cycle, instead of an actual infertility treatment cycle that could really work!  There's no reason why it can't work!) since that's such a tiny number of follicles to start out with.  Anyway, I'm trying to remind myself constantly that this cycle could end up with a positive outcome, and to stop saying "we're probably going to have to move on to donor embryos after this".

So, injections.  I am terrified of needles.  My husband really, really doesn't get it.  He is not scared of needles.  He can't understand why I am.  He also REALLY sucks at following directions, probably because he never even reads them.  After I picked up the medications on Friday, I ran a TON of errands, and started prepping for our housewarming party Saturday.  Then, after my husband got home, I read through all of the instructions for the meds, just to have a little refresher.  My husband did not.  It came time to mix the medications, and it was soooo hard not to remind him how to do everything (for example, hold the syringe with the pointy side down when pushing meds/saline out, turn it upside down when drawing the mixture back in to avoid air getting in).  Reminding him to wash his hands.  Reminding him where the injection site was supposed to be.  Reminding him to get the extra air out of the syringe before sticking me with it.  Telling him to get his finger off the damn plunger before he stuck me with the needle.  Telling him to put the needle cap back on BEFORE dumping it in the sharps container.  He got upset with me for getting upset with him.  So yeah, that went well.

So I picked up 12 vials of meds at the pharmacy.  They come in boxes of five, so I got two boxes, plus two loose vials.  I never really looked at the vials before, but I had been told that the meds are powder, which will dissolve quickly in the saline.  So I didn't notice that the first vial we pulled out was empty.  I looked for the meds, figured it was just a small amount of powder, and didn't think about about it until we pulled out the second vial and it was half full of powder.  We had already punctured the first one, so I had no way to prove that it was already empty, but the pharmacy was nice and took it back and exchanged it for a full one, so I have enough to make it to my next appointment.  Whew.

But really, it's hard to believe we're actually doing something.  Finally!  After 19 months of trying (something like 22 cycles, I think), two surgeries, watching my AMH levels fall from 1.35 to 0.4, and waiting through cysts, we're taking the first steps.  Amazing!

CD 1

Today it starts.  What this means: I just had a 19-day cycle, which is just insanely short.  It means I go in tomorrow for my baseline ultrasound.  It means, assuming everything is ok, I start injections on Saturday, the day of my housewarming party.  What fun!

My husband was a complete jerk about it this morning.  I mentioned that I would be calling the clinic and would try to schedule an appointment.  I also told him that I was worried that most of my cycles lately have been too short.  He then told me that I needed to stop being so nervous and that all of this was no big deal.  I explained to him that, since he hasn't gone to most of my appointments, he wouldn't know that I had been told that shorter cycles was a sign of impending menopause.  He scoffed at me, telling me that was impossible since I'm so young, and I told him age didn't matter, you start menopause when you run out of eggs, and I'm running out of eggs really quickly.  So then I accused him of not being supportive, and he vehemently disagreed.  I'm starting to get pretty angry about his attitude.  I don't feel like I'm asking too much, honestly.

I'm feeling quite apprehensive about my professional life as well.  I didn't get the promotion I applied for.  It's not a terrible thing, and I suspect I didn't get it because they didn't want to do another round of hiring to fill my old position.  I was recently "transferred" from one position to a different position within my branch at work, and they haven't filled my previous position as it is, which means I'm covering two positions now.  I don't think they wanted me to move onto a third so quickly, even though the first transfer was involuntary.  While my job isn't all that bad, and it certainly helps pay the bills, it really isn't what I want to be doing.  Not getting the promotion is making me question why I'm staying, but the truth is I've stayed here so long because I have no idea what else to do.  My previous occupation is far too volatile for someone who is the primary breadwinner in the family.  I wasn't good enough at it to rely on it for a decent income, plus my current health issues would make it really difficult.  I would love to go back to school to study computer science or physical science, but I'm still paying loans for the degree I already have (which I don't even use).

Transportation is a problem

I realized today that not only do I need a plan for getting from the clinic to work after monitoring appointments, I will also probably need a plan to get TO the clinic from work for my first monitoring appointment, since I likely won't be able to schedule it ahead of time.  I started doing some research, and I realized that our city no longer does bus transfers.  Since there isn't a bus that goes directly to the clinic from my work, I would have to pay two fares.  Each way.  Each fare is $2.50.  That's insane!  If I knew ahead of time that I would need to take 4 buses in one day, I could probably buy a $6 daily pass, but I'm not sure where to buy those passes.  Obviously, working downtown next to the capital building has its perks (lots of great restaurants!  shopping!  parks!  etc, etc) but the transportation situation is far from ideal.

I'm also seriously irritated with the radiology department.  It turns out the most likely day that I would need to go in for an HSG is Friday, July 3.  Our department only does them on Fridays, and they only have 8 spots, so you have to reserve as early as possible, which is really, really hard when your cycle is irregular.  Turns out, radiology is closed on the 3rd for Independence Day, and the following week will likely be too late.  If my period starts in the next two days (which it might), I could possibly get my HSG next week, but of course the spots have probably been filled for weeks already.  So I would have to wait another month AGAIN.  Obviously, we're just skipping the HSG at this point, because this is getting ridiculous.

Good news for the day

Yesterday was my injection training, and it went pretty well.  I mean, as well as it could go, considering it involves jabbing needles into my abdomen.  I'm not looking forward to actually doing it.  I'm also not looking forward to monitoring appointments, mostly due to transportation logistics.  All monitoring appointments are in the morning, which is great, but then I would have to get to work.  Somehow.  My husband can drop me off before my appointments (hopefully with a minimum of grumbling about it), and then I'd be on my own.  It's a 5-mile bike ride to work (totally doable, but with the added difficulty of having to bring the bike in/on the car, as our bike rack is difficult) or I can take two different buses, which will take approximately 40 minutes, not including time waiting for the bus.  Which actually isn't THAT much less time that it would take me to bike, and biking has the added benefit of me getting more exercise.  I will have to think about this, and talk it over with my husband, who I anticipate will be grouchy about the whole thing.  I think my period will start Sunday or sometime next week, so at the point we'll have to figure it all out.  I've already had a bit of spotting and it's only D 18.  Which makes sense, I guess. 

Speaking of exercise (which we were, right?), I've FINALLY started a serious exercise program.  Sort of.  In two weeks, I'm switching back to a regular schedule at work, meaning I will work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day.  Right now, I work 9 hours a day and take one day off every other week, which was great in theory, but I never had enough time during the day to do what needed to be done.  Like exercise.  With my 8-hour days, I will start working at 7:15 (That's right!  Way earlier than I EVER want to be anywhere), having been dropped off by my sweetie-pie.  I'll have a half hour lunch and be done at 3:45, at which point I will go to the gym and work out and take the 5:40 bus home, or I will take the 4:10 bus home and exercise at home.

So far, I've been walking a lot and taking the stairs to the 6th floor multiple times a day.  Sunday morning, my husband and I biked to the next town (17 miles round trip) and in the afternoon we swam a bit, but not laps, just recreational swimming.  Yesterday morning I ran half a mile, then did a bunch of gardening, and then after my injection training I went to the gym, rock-climbed for about 45 minutes, and did 15 minutes on the rowing machine at a medium intensity.  My core was burning after 10 minutes, but I pushed through.

Ha!  I hit publish and forgot to mention the good news I was talking about.  My sweet kitty Max went in for his annual check-up and they did what they call a "senior screen".  Last year he was diagnosed with stage 1 kidney failure and I was so, so worried that things had gotten worse.  This is a new vet, and despite attempts by myself and the new vet receptionist, we couldn't get the old vet to send over his records - they said they would, and nothing ever came.  Anyway, his test results came back yesterday and everything was normal!  No kidney failure.  The vet said his lab results last year could have been the result of dehydration.  So I've been spending a fortune on a special diet and forcing him to eat it, even though he didn't want to, for no reason whatsoever.  But that doesn't matter, my sweet baby is ok!  Even if he is 14.  Here's a picture of how much I love him:

It's Friday

It's going to be over 100 here, but at least it's Friday!  And we have a swimming pool if the heat gets to be too much.

I realized recently that a lot of the reading and commenting I've done on other infertility sites was using my old wordpress log-in, from a blog from before I was so wrapped up in my own infertility and the most important thing on my mind was fixing up my house.  I'm still interested in fixing up my house (I am, by training anyway, an architect, and I really love working on houses), but since then we've sold my house and bought a new one together, one that is big enough to hold the family we hope to have.  Yesterday, I figured out how to follow other people's blogs (I think - I'm still unsure of how all that works, exactly).  So hopefully that will help me to interact with other blogs a bit more.  I'm not THAT old but sometimes I feel like cursing all this newfangled tech stuff.

My husband has decided to come with me to injection training Monday.  I think he's realizing how freaked out I am by all of this.  I'm not sure if he realizes that I'm not just freaked out by needles (which I am, despite the fact that I have 10 piercings, mostly in my ears) but also by the hormones.  I'm generally a healthy person.  I don't eat meat, I try to eat mostly organic, I almost never eat fast food, I don't drink soda, I eat lots and lots of fruits and veggies, and I attempt to exercise.  I try my hardest not to eat or drink anything with random weird chemicals, and I limit processed food as much as I can.  I do drink wine and beer, but no one is perfect.  I'm just not that excited about injecting a bunch of hormones into my body all at once.

I stepped on the scale

I'm not sure if it was a mistake or not.  I'm super depressed by how much I weigh, but now that I know what the number is, I'm also inspired to begin losing weight immediately.  As in, yesterday I went to the gym and really worked out.  I'm sore today, but in a good way.  I'm hoping I can keep this up, lose at least 20 pounds, and get healthy again.

So I mentioned that my injection training is on Monday.  Unfortunately, my husband is probably not going with me.  Wanna know why?  He tried planning a motorcycle trip with his brothers for the end of the month.  They both said no, which doesn't surprise me at all, so now he's decided to go by himself.  I really, really want him to do social things and pursue his passions, but I'm really irritated by this for two reasons:

1) He basically has no vacation time left, which means we can never do anything together that involves time off of work, like going on a real vacation.  He keeps using his time off for things like staying home to wait for the internet guy on a weekday instead of waiting for a weekend, because he couldn't go three more days without netflix.  So going to injection training with me is impossible, and it's possible he may have to take some time off WITHOUT PAY to go to this stupid motorcycle event.  By himself.  While I stay home and take care of the house and animals, after learning to inject myself with needles so I can carry his baby.

2) Now that we're married, we have 5 pets, we're trying to have a baby, and we have a new house that's far from everything, I never get to do anything I enjoy anymore.  I never go to the gym, go rock-climbing, hiking, camping, see my friends, go out for music or drinks or ANYTHING.  He keeps telling me that I can do these things, but living so far from everything means transportation is a real problem.  I either have to take public transportation, which doesn't run late enough for me to do anything after work, or I'm dependent on him to drive me, since I don't have anywhere to park near my office.  Trying to get him to do anything outdoors on the weekends is like pulling teeth.  I was so excited when I met him because it seemed like he liked to do all of the outdoorsy things that I like, but we've gone camping twice, and hiking maybe twice in the last two years.  I'm getting really disillusioned.

Honestly, I worry that having a baby will make me even more isolated.  And the whole trying to have a baby thing is making me cranky ALL THE TIME.  I know I'm the woman and all, but I'm also the primary breadwinner and I take care of all of the things that keep our lives running, like paying bills, and grocery shopping and budgeting and whatnot.  I know that I have to do most of the work in dealing with infertility, but I'm feeling like I have no support.  I think he's only been to one doctor's appointment with me.  He was only there for one of my surgeries, because (surprise!) he didn't have enough time off to be there for the second one.  I just feel really unsupported.  Am I asking for too much?

Mondays. Ugh.

My husband's cat got into a fight on Friday, and we didn't notice until late Friday night.  His ear and the area behind it were torn up.  He was missing a ton of fur, and there was a lot of blood involved.  So he had an emergency trip to the vet Saturday morning, he's been on medication, and he needs to stay inside for two weeks.  He was pretty doped up from all the medication, so he didn't really notice until last night that he's confined to the house.  Combined with the extreme heat (100 degrees outside, 90 degrees inside until we turned on the AC), the situation caused him to spend the night wandering the house, yowling.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep well, which really sucks since I have an interview this afternoon.  I won't mind too much if I don't get the job, since it's not THAT much better than the job I have right now, but a little pay bump would be nice.  And it comes with a corner cube with a great view.

I bought new pants for the interview, and for work in general.  It's gotten to the point where I can't fit into my pants anymore. I try to eat healthfully, but with a full-time job, a commute, a new house, a husband that doesn't always like to pitch in, and 5 pets, I'm overwhelmed.  On top of that, I have no time for exercising (I used to exercise every day).  In addition to the weight gain, my joints are starting to feel old and creaky, and my muscles have atrophied.  I'm getting tired of people telling me I look fine, though.  I obviously don't.  What's happening to me right now is NOT healthy.  I'm hoping once our house is a bit more settled (and we're getting closer all the time!), I'll have time to exercise more.

My husband and I have decided to DTD (do the deed, one of the few baby-making euphemisms that doesn't bother me) every other day until I'm pretty sure I've ovulated.  We've decided not to do ovulation testing anymore, since it just makes me cranky.  I have injection training next Monday.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I'm terrified of needles.  I've gotten used to having blood drawn and getting shots, but I can't watch it being done, and I'm grateful that it's not too frequent of an occurrence.  But the thought of having to give myself shots, which I imagine would require me actually looking, and doing them every day if not multiple times a day is horrifying to me.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can get pregnant naturally this month.

Spotting?

So today is the day my cycle should have started.  I guess.  I've had some very low-grade cramping all week, and this morning I went to the bathroom and there was pink spotting.  Not only do I not know what is going on, I don't have any idea what to do.  Go to the doctor?  Email a doctor (I don't know who - my regular OBGYN?  One of the fertility clinic doctors?).  Or is it just the last vestiges of my period working their way out and I shouldn't worry at all?

For the record, I have gone twice this morning, both times including BMs (sorry, TMI?) and I'm feeling much less like I'm having my period, and the spotting stopped the second time.  Back when my periods were more normal, I often had a final "push" on day 5 or 6, sometimes to the point of bleeding through ALL of my protection and clothes, and then my period would abruptly stop.  So I'm thinking that's what's happening.  I grew up in a household where my mom was a serious hypochondriac who projected it onto her children, and took us to the doctor whenever we mentioned any possible ailment, certain that we had cancer.  Now that I'm an adult, I really have no good concept of what warrants being seen by a doctor.

In other news.  My husband and I bought a Karlstad couch.  It's HUGE and we love it.  we bought the 3+2 and added on a chaise, which I thought meant converting one of the sections into a chaise.  I didn't realize it involved adding on another whole piece, but luckily it fits perfectly in our family room and now we can fit both of our extended families quite comfortably on one piece of furniture.

We tried out our dog run for the first time last night when we went to dinner, and the dogs seem to really like it.  I'm so relieved.  Our dogs can be incredibly destructive, so we can't really leave them alone unless they're in crates, and since I don't like leaving them in their crates a lot, we tend to just not go anywhere.  Now they have a nice big dog run outside, and have space to play and relax, and they can be together.  It's so much better, and as soon as we get a dog house for them, I'll feel a lot better about going out to dinner or running errands and doing fun stuff on the weekends.

Another month

I randomly started my period on Saturday morning, 6 days early.  I have so little bleeding now that the only way I can tell I'm starting is the debilitating cramps.  They are so bad I can't even stand up straight, and getting out of bed is miserable.  I actually did have quite a bit of blood on Saturday, then a little Sunday, and that was it.  It was over by Sunday night.  I don't get it.

Since I started 6 days early, I had to call Monday morning and try to reschedule my HSG for this week instead of next week.  I was informed that there was already a long waiting list and I'd be better off waiting for next month.  She then asked when my next period should start.  I practically started crying, and said I didn't know - with my period varying between 22 and 28 days, how would I know?  And I seriously have to wait ANOTHER month just because of bureaucracy?  So then she said we could start a medicated cycle immediately without doing an HSG, but if there were problems we didn't know about, we'd be wasting time and money.  My husband and I immediately decided to start right away.  We've waited so long, and we don't want to wait any more.

The nurse said I'd have to come in that day for an ultrasound, so I raced in to take the appointment they had available.  I was informed I'd have to go to an injection training class that afternoon (and here I thought I'd be taking pills, but I guess not), and they proceeded to do the ultrasound.  5-6 follicles in my right ovary!  Not bad considering my other factors, really.  At first they couldn't see the left ovary, but then they found the cyst that was apparently obscuring it.  It was 19mm, and they immediately stopped the ultrasound and told me this cycle was not an option.  I was pretty upset.  My husband was REALLY upset.  So once again, we're waiting.  And maybe trying naturally.  I guess.  He doesn't seem to understand that since my last ovulation positive was on the 18th day of the month (not my cycle - the month), it won't necessarily be on June 18th.  I'm pretty sure he understands that my cycles are 27-28 days (normally), but I think he tends to think of them as "monthly" unless I specifically tell him otherwise.

In other news!  I built a nice big garden bed for myself and planted some fabulous veggies (heirloom tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumber, basil, and a few hot peppers for the husband).  We replaced the non-functioning toilet in our master bath and the horrible shower head, and it is so nice to have a working master bathroom again!  I started drawing up plans for a complete master bathroom and closet remodel, which is starting to bleed into a master bedroom redo as well.  Which we can't afford, seeing as how we just bought: a new IKEA couch, new motorcycle helmets, a Dyson vacuum, a racing bicycle, a car, a new radiator for our old car, a fridge, a HOUSE, and some other stuff I can't remember right now...  Yeah.  We've been spending money likes it's going out of style.  And yes, we got amazing deals on most of that stuff, but sheesh.  Time to batten down the hatches and save for infertility treatments.