It's that time of the month again

Just got back from a mostly lovely labor day weekend in the mountains.  We ended up coming home a little early because the dogs tore a hole in the tent, but overall it was a really nice weekend, and I'm happy I had the opportunity to spend some time outdoors.

We ended up leaving early due to the tent issue.  It's a 4.5-5 hour drive, and we left at 8:15 pm.  I hadn't had very much to drink yet (I was cooking, so I was waiting until campfire time) so I ended up driving first.  Even though I had taken quite a few painkillers, my cramps were so bad that I ended up pulling over on the side of the freeway so my husband could drive.  It was awful.  I'm not enjoying the return of 3 days of excruciating cramps, although the extremely heavy bleeding has not returned.  I don't know if I should be happy or worried about this.  I guess I'll talk to the doctor when I go in tomorrow.

I'm getting a little frustrated with friends who I've talked to about my infertility problems.  Most of them are the exact opposite of helpful, and say things like "well, remember X and Y who had problems and then they got pregnant the old-fashioned way in a few months?  I'm sure you just need more time!"  Right.  Because having slow sperm when you're 31 is the same as having dried-up old eggs when you're 36.  I think it's time to stop confiding in people.  My husband wants to talk to everyone about it, and in theory I'm on board with more openness, but telling people we're having problems makes them think that the problems are solvable.  I'm not quite ready to tell people that my 3-day FSH level was high, which means bad things for my eggs.  That kind of detail seems a bit TMI.

Anyway, for my records, here's how this period is going:

Days -5 through -7: spotting (light)
Days -4 through day 0: nothing!
Day 0 (Friday): nothing!  (should have been day 1, but whatever)
Day 1 (Saturday): Period starts mid-morning, very mild cramping.  Take lots of painkillers, cramping ramps up during the night
Day 2 (Sunday): Tons of blood in the morning.  Take lots of painkillers, cramping subsides until evening.  Take more painkillers, cramping is TERRIBLE.  Bleeding stops mid-afternoon.
Day 3 (Monday): Lots of cramping that tapers off towards evening.  Very little blood, none in the evening at all.
Day 4 (Tuesday): No blood overnight, but heavier bleeding this morning.  Some cramping, but tapers off after painkillers.

OK.  Whew.

Day 27

No ovulation.  Either I ovulated before day 12 (I suppose it's possible, right?) or I haven't ovulated at all.  Or the strips I bought are faulty.  I'm going with not ovulating at all.  Hooray!  I'm broken!


My  husband is very excited that his tests all came back good.  I keep trying to explain to him that having high quality sperm doesn't really matter if there isn't an egg to fertilize, but I'm not sure he gets it.

We got a bill from my old healthcare provider for $500 for the first round of tests, before I switched to an HMO.  I was not expecting that.  Yay for medical bills!  And the doctor I saw didn't even bother to test for FSH, and didn't seem to think that ovulating on day 25 was a problem (assuming that ovulation did in fact occur, considering the only charting method I was using at the time was bbt).  I hate it when I know more than my doctor.  And I get to pay $500 for the privilege!

And, just to put icing on the cake, I got an email from some friends who are older than me and who just drive me CRAZY.  (as an example of why - they expected me to do a TON of work for their wedding, which I happily did, and then they presented me with a bill for my share of the costs.  When I asked for a little bit of help for their wedding, they asked me to pay for their room. (and I mean a LITTLE bit of work - basically, start and stop the music at the wedding, that's it)  WHO DOES THAT???).  Surprise!  They're having a girl!  Yay for them!

Honestly, I'm very happy for most of my friends who are having kids.  But there are some people I have a hard time getting excited for.

First real doctor's appointment in one week.  One more opportunity for some guy I don't know to stick random things in my lady parts.  Awesome.

I don't even know how to title this

Day 21.  As of yesterday, no ovulation.  This morning I had spotting.  Well, more like quite a bit of old blood.  None of this seems quite right.  Luckily, my husband did his part of the testing this morning (FINALLY!) and I turned in our new patient questionnaire last night, so help is on the way!  Assuming, of course, that we're not already beyond help.

I suppose it's possible (but it seems highly unlikely) that I ovulated before day 12, the day when I first started testing.  Maybe next cycle I'll get more test strips and start testing earlier.  Hopefully one of these days soon I'll get to see an actual doctor!

The missing O

I'm currently tracking my ovulation using an OPK.  Well, I would be tracking it if it actually happened.  Today is CD 18.  I haven't tested yet today, but it hasn't happened yet, and I'm really hoping today is the day.

I'm beginning to suspect that I might have low progesterone.  Unfortunately, I can't talk to anyone about any of this until my husband does his test, and for some reason he isn't making it a very high priority.  I realize going to the lab takes time and effort, but I've done it SO MANY TIMES lately I'm having a hard time feeling any sympathy for him.  We both work full time - why is it so hard for him? 

Keeping my fingers crossed that we can get everything done and get in for an appointment soon...  also, that I get a positive OPK today.

HSG

Well, my HSG went well!  Although that's not what I'm worried about at all.  I had to drive out to a nearby city to have it done, because the local clinic was completely booked.  My husband has been putting off his one-year checkup after breaking his leg last year, so I pressured him into scheduling an appointment at the same time, since his doctor moved out to the clinic in the other city and I wasn't sure I'd be up to driving myself home after the HSG.  He managed to get an appointment, so the timing worked perfectly.

I was extremely worried about the HSG after reading other women's posts.  I had an endometrial biopsy four years ago that left me crying for an hour afterwards and completely unable to get myself home, with no warning beforehand from the doctor's office about how painful and difficult it would be.  When I was told to take four ibuprofen an hour before the HSG, I figured it must be worse than the biopsy.  The good news is that my uterus looks fine (other than a small fibroid, which I already knew about) and my tubes are open. So I suppose as long as I have viable eggs and my husband has good healthy swimmers (keeping my fingers crossed) I should be able to get pregnant.  Theoretically.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Waiting

In general I can be a patient person, but I really hate not knowing things.  So all of this testing is beginning to drive me crazy.  The nice thing about Kaiser is that I can see my test results pretty quickly after I have blood drawn or a urine sample taken, but I have no idea when I'm going to actually talk to someone about what all of these tests MEAN.  My best interpretation right now is that my FSH number isn't very good, but I have no idea what that entails for our chances of a successful pregnancy.  Tomorrow I go in for my HSG and who knows when I'll find out the results for that.  Or when I get to schedule an appointment to talk to a real person (preferably a doctor or nurse practitioner!).

In the meantime, my husband D has been really supportive.  I try explaining to him about what I've read, and he encourages me to be more hopeful.  He assures me that if we can't have kids, we can still do plenty of things and have full lives (his exact statement was if we can't have kids, we can get a motorcycle trailer.  Very supportive!).  I'm a little shocked by his attitude, since he's the only one who has ever brought up the subject of kids in the first place, and it was his idea to start trying before we even got engaged.  It's heartening to know that he won't be completely disappointed if we end up not being able to procreate.

In the meantime, I'm trying to be as healthy as possible.  I ride my bike to work almost every day, I'm trying to take walks on my break and take the stairs instead of the elevator (which is difficult with a messed-up ankle, but I do it when I can), and I'm eating more frutis and vegetables and a lot less junk food.  I'm also making mochas at home instead of going to coffee shops, both to be healthier and to save money.  (As an aside, where in the world do all of those calories in a frappucino come from if the drink is half ice???  My at-home mochas have about 100 calories for a grande size...) 

I knew I needed to do something about my weight when an old ankle injury started flaring up last summer, and the orthopedic surgeon said there wasn't anything he could do, but he suggested I could lose weight to help my ankle pain.  When I went in for my annual exam a month later, my NP told me she didn't want me to gain any more weight, the first time she's ever said anything negative about my health.  Guess what?  I didn't listen.  My current BMI is 23.3, down from a high of 24.7 in January, but way above my old (non-teenager) low of 21.1, which is where I'd like to be by the end of the year (it seems easier to talk in terms of BMI instead of weight, even though I know it's not always scientifically meaningful.  But I'm a pretty average-boned person, and not a weightlifter or anything, so I think it'll make sense).  Assuming I'm able to one day get pregnant, I'd like to start that pregnancy as healthy as I can be.

Here's hoping the HSG is not as painful as I'm expecting it to be.

Looking back

I recently re-read my posts from 2011 and earlier.  I'm a little shocked to realize that I was dealing with very obvious depression, and I didn't recognize it at the time.  And it's REALLY obvious.

In case you couldn't tell, that's not the case anymore.  A lot of things happened that precipitated the change, but the two big ones were my mother having serious mental issues and taking it out on me, and the suicide of a friend.  I quickly realized that my problems were spinning out of control and I got myself to a therapist who helped me work through some (but not all) of what was going on with me.  Not long after that, I met my husband and it seemed like things were going to be happily-ever-after.

Fro a long time I really didn't want kids.  I enjoyed doing things - rock-climbing, snowboarding, hiking, backpacking, traveling - and it seemed like kids would just get in the way.  Then my sister had some kids, and I realized how much I loved them and how much I would enjoy being a mother as well.  When I met my husband, he really wanted kids, and I wanted to be able to have those kids.

I haven't even talked to the doctor yet, and even if I'm interpreting the test results correctly (and I'm pretty sure I am), I know it's not a complete no-go, just a smaller chance.  Considering I spent my first 33 years sure that I wouldn't have children, and being fine with that, it seems strange to be upset now that I may not be able to have children, but I was beginning to envision that life for myself, and it was starting to seem great.