More changes

When I wrote that last post, I didn't realize just how much my life would keep changing. I'm still living out with my mom, which has proven to be extremely difficult. More difficult than I thought it would be, in fact. But on the extreme upside, I'm now in escrow for a house that I absolutely love. I'm afraid that I love it a little too much, because I'd rather not stay in Sacramento for the long haul and even though the house isn't mine yet, it already makes me sad to think of leaving.

In other, much sadder news, my cat, Akaya, passed away somewhat suddenly. I've written about her health problems before, and I was beginning to think that they were under control, but I was horribly, horribly wrong. As it turns out, she probably did have cancer after all, and it was slowly killing her and I never knew. I don't really want to go into all the gory details, but suffice it say that she collapsed on March 24, 2010, and even though the vet tried very hard to save her, she died in my arms around midnight. I knew the day would eventually come, but it was so much harder than I ever thought it would be, and there's such a big empty hole in my life right now. I'm doing my best to soldier on (I mean, she was a cat, these things happen) but she was a big part of my life for so long, that it's really hard to get used to not having her around. As difficult as she was to take care of, I was always so grateful for her companionship.

But on to happier things - I started my new job and I'm really enjoying it. I'm learning a lot, I'm getting involved in politics and public policy, and I'm earning a paycheck, all of which are good things. I'm not enjoying commuting right now, and so I'm really looking forward to when I'll be living right near downtown and not driving over an hour a day for work.

In the meantime, I'm trying really hard to get back in shape and eat healthfully. The buying of said house has forced me to stop going out to eat completely, and I've been spending a lot more time at the gym, although I don't feel like I'm gaining ground on getting in shape.

Life it keeps a changing

It's been almost five weeks and I still haven't heard anything about when I'll be starting work. I've moved in with my mother against my better judgement, and it's been really difficult. I've also developed gastritis, which is basically an inflammation of the stomach, and it's extremely unpleasant, so I would advise avoiding it if you can.

I'm coming to a few more realizations about my life - for one thing, I really have no idea what I want to do or where I want to live, and I have no idea how to figure it out. I also think that there are three big things in life - family, community, and work. In order to be happy, it's important to have a family who loves you, a community (such as friends) who cares about you, and work that you love. I feel like I don't really have any of these things. Everyone in my family has all started families of their own, so to them I'm becoming extended family, and I don't know if I'll ever start my own family. I have friends, but almost all of them have moved away, so they're not in my life so much anymore. And I don't have any work, much less work that I love. All in all, I'm just feeling a bit lost.

Still, I think it's important to be grateful if I can, so I'm going to give it a try:

1. A place to live. Losing my apartment really sucked, but I'm glad that I at least have a place to live in the meantime. Even if it's so stressful that it's causing me real physiological damage.

2. A working car. I live out in the boonies now, so I'm grateful that I have a car that will get me out of here from time to time.

3. My bicycles. When the weather clears up, this should be a nice place to go bike riding.

4. I can't really think of anything else right now :(

A time of change

Wow, time keeps getting away from me. It's been almost two weeks since my last blog post, which is amazing when I really stop to think about it. Where did the time go? So much has happened in the last week, that I think it just slipped right into the future without me even noticing.

What's happened, you might ask? Well, all in one day I found out that I would be losing my apartment and gaining a job. I'm feeling a bit unsettled by all of this. On the one hand, I'm incredibly happy to have been offered a job, even if it's not in my original field. On the other hand, I'm not very happy about having to move. I love my place. It has everything I wanted and it's in my price range, which is awfully hard to find. The worst part is that I'm not only losing my apartment through no fault of my own, but it's that I'll be losing my security deposit as well. Oh, and finding another apartment before I actually start a new job is also going to be difficult, hence we move on to what may be the next stage in my life: home ownership!

I haven't actually decided about buying a house. I think I'll just move in with my mother for a while, difficult as that may be, and consider my options while saving some money, while also helping her to sell her house. It's the best interim plan I can come up with, so it's with trepidation and a hint of hope that I'm embarking on this new stage of my life.

Some realizations

I've come to a few unsettling realizations lately and I'm not sure what to do about them. Perhaps I'll share them and ruminate on them a bit (isn't that a great word?).

1. I may want to have kids after all. I think my lifelong aversion to being a mother really is an aversion to being a typical American mother. After seeing the workings of families in Europe, I've realized that in order to be a mother, it's not necessary to give up everything about oneself that doesn't relate to motherhood, the way American women tend to become a veritable Stepford wife once they give birth (not all women, of course, just most of them). I don't want to be only someone's wife or someone's mother, I want to be me. But I'm realizing that doesn't mean that I can't have kids - I just don't want to have kids the American way.
2. I may be single for the rest of my life. I've only been on a few dates in the last 4.5 years, which doesn't bode well for my future if I want to get married. While it's easy to blame American men, who won't give me the time of day because I don't look or act like Paris Hilton, I also have a bit of an aversion to putting myself out there. That doesn't seem to have stopped other people from getting married, but it seems like it's going to stop me.
   
3. I'm probably not cut out to be an architect. There were times in both undergrad and grad school when it seemed very likely that I wasn't going to pass a crucial class, and that failure would have completely disrupted my schooling and my plans for graduation. It wasn't because of a lack of effort, but more a complete lack of understanding. While I managed to (just barely) finish both degrees, and even learned the lessons that I should have learned much earlier, I probably should have taken the hint the first time and bowed out before I accrued so much student loan debt. I might be doing something boring, but at least I would have freedom rather than a prison of debt.
   
4. I'm never going to have the life I always thought I would. I'll probably never be able to buy a house, I'll never live abroad, I won't be able to travel too much, and I'm not sure I'll ever manage to leave Sacramento. I'm having a hard time giving up some of my dreams, but the sooner I do it, the happier I will probably be.

I'm not sure what this means for right now. I feel like I'm spending time waiting for my life to start. Obviously, life is going on right now, and nothing new is going to happen unless I make it happen. I'm just not sure what I want to happen. Perhaps once I figure that out, everything will fall into place.

Please stop the apostrophe abuse!

I spend a lot of effort restraining myself from jumping into conversations or marking up emails and being the grammar police. Bad grammar drives me crazy, but apparently it does not drive other people nearly as insane. However, the vast proliferation of apostrophes in places where they do not belong is about to push me over the edge.

You see, when it comes to pluralizing something (that is, taking one and making it more than one), English is a very, very, very simple language. You just add the letter s. If the word ends in the letter s, you just add es. Does no one remember this from their grammar school years? I have one cat, now I have two cats. How many shoes do I need for a pair? Two shoes. I have four chairs in my kitchen. There are three wine glasses on the table. It is winter, one of the four seasons, and there are clouds in the sky. Earth is one of eight planets in the solar system.

That was easy, right? Just to show you how easy it is, I wrote this entire post without a single apostrophe, and there are plural words all over the place. If I can do it, you can do it. So get out there and start practicing proper use of the apostrophe!

Packaging! And bulk!

What is up with the ridiculous amounts of packaging? It's going to drive me nuts. I went to costco the other day to buy in bulk for the next few months/years. One of the things I bought was a package of 10 Britta filters. I didn't really need 10 filters, but that's how things work at Costco, so into the cart they went. Upon arriving home, I opened the box to pull out a filter, and inside I found... more boxes! The filters were packaged in boxes of five filters, and those boxes were then placed inside the larger box. Additionally, each filter comes in it's own plastic bag. What an awful waste of resources.

I'd like to add a little note about buying in bulk. There are two different ways to buy in bulk, and I'm not sure that the difference is always appreciated by consumers. One way is the Costco way - you buy a lot of one item at a discount, often ending up with more than you really need. This way works best for businesses, groups such as church groups, and large families. The other way is to buy from the bulk bins at a store, such as a local food co-op or natural foods store. The store buys in bulk at a discount, and passes those savings on to you - you buy only the amount you need, generally without a lot of extra packaging as well, and everyone wins!

Getting ready for a week of ?

Normally I would spend Sunday preparing for the week ahead. This is a new time in my life, though, so I'm more preparing for the long-term. I have a whole list of projects that I plan to get started on, and I'm hoping I can structure my week like a regular work-week, except instead of working for money, I'll be working for my own well-being. For example, every day I hope to spend some time working on my portfolio in case I decide that I actually want to do architecture again, some time studying things I want to study, and some time working on projects that I've been procrastinating. Also, I plan to spend time going to the gym, and I'm hoping to start getting a reasonable amount of sleep, which has always been a problem for me.

One of the things that I did today that is a normal Sunday activity for me was to go to the farmer's market, which improved my mood considerably. There's nothing like seeing piles of fresh produce in January for reasonable prices, grown locally by actual farmers, to make me happy. I bought mandarins, Brussels sprouts, lettuces, two types of mushrooms, potatoes, and squash. That should easily get me through the week, if not farther. I'm excited to make mushroom soup, tomato-squash soup, and roasted Brussels sprouts with potatoes.

So at this point, it's a matter of deciding what I want to do each day (in addition to looking for a job, of course). I plan to spend two days working out at my mom's house, and then the rest of the week is mine! All mine! It's a bit of a strange feeling to have so much time for myself. I'm a little worried that I'll get too used to it.