Beginning the TWW

So now I'm in the beginning of my first official TWW.  Crazy.

Let me back up a little.  I went in Saturday for the follow-up to my follicle sizing.  The follicle on the right had barely grown, and was around 13.5.  The left had surged ahead to 18.1, and my uterine lining was around 8.4 (I think, I should write these things down!).  So I was given the go-ahead to trigger that night at 10 pm.  We picked up the trigger shot and the sterile collection cup at the pharmacy and headed home, ecstatic that we were almost done with this cycle.

I'm a little sad that we likely only had one mature egg, but one is better than none.  We did the trigger shot at 10 pm.  I didn't feel the shot at all, but boy was my belly tender afterwards.  It was still sore yesterday, but this morning it seems fine.

Obviously, I had the actual insemination yesterday morning.  It was more painful than I thought it would be.  I was told that it would be easier than the HSG, but it wasn't, probably because the HSG involved injecting liquid into my uterine cavity, and the insemination was done using a catheter, which is a bit more sturdy.  My uterus is retroverted, and my back was killing me during and after the procedure, to the point that I turned on the heated seat in the car for the drive home, even though it was over 100 degrees yesterday. 

Another effect of the trigger shot was that it made me awfully lethargic.  I spent a lot of Sunday just laying around, and had no energy at all.  Yesterday, I had plans to get a LOT done, and I spent several hours just lying on the couch, although I'm sure the heat had something to do with it too.  My abdomen felt rather full and ever-so-slightly painful, sort of like a mild period or bad gas (really, more like bad gas than anything else).  And I felt a bit light-headed.  Today, I'm feeling much, much better, but still tired.

The heat is killing me, though.  It's only getting down into the upper 60s at night, so sleeping has been terrible.  I've never used AC so much in my life.  Today is forecast to be 110, and tomorrow will be 109, they say.  Due to the insemination, I couldn't jump in the pool yesterday, but I have every intention to get in today.  I'd love to swim laps, but I may not have the energy.  I went to the gym yesterday, but I was so exhausted and worried about jarring my innards that I didn't get a great workout.

The next two weeks are going to be hard, but I'm keeping my spirits up and trying hard not to get too anxious about everything. 

insemination time!

I'm sitting in the waiting room while they prepare my husband's sample.  I can't believe the day is here! Traffic was horrendous on the way here.  My appointment wasn't until 8:20, and i normally get to work at 7:15 or earlier, so i was really in the thick of rush hour traffic.  On top of that, i got stuck behind a convoy of trucks delivering rides to the state fair, which will be starting in a week or two.  It was surreal driving along with my husband's little guys safely tucked inside my shirt, following truck after truck loaded up with brightly colored pieces of carnival rides and an entire ticket booth.

i had a dream last night that we'd done the insemination but I'd forgotten to stay lying down for 10 minutes afterward and i had immediately rushed off to an amusement park.  Sort of a weird dream, makes me wonder if the cats were playing on the bed or something.

 I'm not only relieved to finally be doing something, I'm happy to not have to do anymore injections for at least two weeks.  That trigger shot was painful.   Wish me luck!

Fantabulous news!

I had my follicle sizing about an hour and a half ago.  My lining was 7.4, which was good.  And I had 2.5 follicles that were quite large!  My right ovary had one that was 12.6 (I think, I didn't write down exact measurements).  My left had one that was 13.9 and another that was 6.5 (hence the 2.5 follicles).  I don't hold out a ton of hope for the little 6.5, which is fine since I have 2 great follicles!!!  The doctor said I was responding really well to the medication.  I go back Saturday morning for a re-check, with a possibility of triggering Saturday night.

I actually have hope that this might work, which is kind of scary.  I've never had hope for a pregnancy before, and so I was never that upset when it didn't happen.  I expected to get my period every month.  Now I have hope, and that hope could be crushed so easily.  But even if this cycle ends with a BFN, at the very least I'll know that my body responds well to the meds and I can make at least 2 follicles, so IVF may not be a complete waste of time if that's where we end up.

Follicle Sizing tomorrow

I can't wait to see what's happening down there!  I realize it could be bad news.  My little follicles could still be little, or we could have a few nice-sized ones (I'm hoping for two good ones, that's all I ask), but either way, at least we'd know something, which is more than what we've known the last 19 months. 

My husband did a horrible job of injecting on Monday night.  It really hurt.  My husband said he could feel the medication going in.  I think he felt really bad, especially since he pinched my skin to get the needle in and then forgot to let go.  It was sore all day yesterday if I even touched it, like when I put something into my jacket pocket.  Last night went much more smoothly, and I barely even felt it.  D is getting so much better at mixing the meds and doing the injections.

OK, one non-IF paragraph: Our dogs are finally settling down a bit.  There were so many times I was ready to just bring them back to the shelter due to their behavior.  The only dog I'd ever had before was when I was young, and we got him when he was 3, so well past the puppy stage.  I had no idea puppies could be SO destructive and irritating, and while they're still a little destructive and irritating, they're also sweet and charming.  They love everyone, and they're turning into great dogs.

It's happening so fast

I went in for my baseline ultrasound on Friday.  Apparently, everything looked good because we were told to start injections that evening!  OMG!!!  I had four follicles on the right, and three or four on the left.  Not a lot, I know.  It makes me very concerned about IVF (also, I can't seem to stop talking about this cycle as if it's just a diagnostic cycle, instead of an actual infertility treatment cycle that could really work!  There's no reason why it can't work!) since that's such a tiny number of follicles to start out with.  Anyway, I'm trying to remind myself constantly that this cycle could end up with a positive outcome, and to stop saying "we're probably going to have to move on to donor embryos after this".

So, injections.  I am terrified of needles.  My husband really, really doesn't get it.  He is not scared of needles.  He can't understand why I am.  He also REALLY sucks at following directions, probably because he never even reads them.  After I picked up the medications on Friday, I ran a TON of errands, and started prepping for our housewarming party Saturday.  Then, after my husband got home, I read through all of the instructions for the meds, just to have a little refresher.  My husband did not.  It came time to mix the medications, and it was soooo hard not to remind him how to do everything (for example, hold the syringe with the pointy side down when pushing meds/saline out, turn it upside down when drawing the mixture back in to avoid air getting in).  Reminding him to wash his hands.  Reminding him where the injection site was supposed to be.  Reminding him to get the extra air out of the syringe before sticking me with it.  Telling him to get his finger off the damn plunger before he stuck me with the needle.  Telling him to put the needle cap back on BEFORE dumping it in the sharps container.  He got upset with me for getting upset with him.  So yeah, that went well.

So I picked up 12 vials of meds at the pharmacy.  They come in boxes of five, so I got two boxes, plus two loose vials.  I never really looked at the vials before, but I had been told that the meds are powder, which will dissolve quickly in the saline.  So I didn't notice that the first vial we pulled out was empty.  I looked for the meds, figured it was just a small amount of powder, and didn't think about about it until we pulled out the second vial and it was half full of powder.  We had already punctured the first one, so I had no way to prove that it was already empty, but the pharmacy was nice and took it back and exchanged it for a full one, so I have enough to make it to my next appointment.  Whew.

But really, it's hard to believe we're actually doing something.  Finally!  After 19 months of trying (something like 22 cycles, I think), two surgeries, watching my AMH levels fall from 1.35 to 0.4, and waiting through cysts, we're taking the first steps.  Amazing!

CD 1

Today it starts.  What this means: I just had a 19-day cycle, which is just insanely short.  It means I go in tomorrow for my baseline ultrasound.  It means, assuming everything is ok, I start injections on Saturday, the day of my housewarming party.  What fun!

My husband was a complete jerk about it this morning.  I mentioned that I would be calling the clinic and would try to schedule an appointment.  I also told him that I was worried that most of my cycles lately have been too short.  He then told me that I needed to stop being so nervous and that all of this was no big deal.  I explained to him that, since he hasn't gone to most of my appointments, he wouldn't know that I had been told that shorter cycles was a sign of impending menopause.  He scoffed at me, telling me that was impossible since I'm so young, and I told him age didn't matter, you start menopause when you run out of eggs, and I'm running out of eggs really quickly.  So then I accused him of not being supportive, and he vehemently disagreed.  I'm starting to get pretty angry about his attitude.  I don't feel like I'm asking too much, honestly.

I'm feeling quite apprehensive about my professional life as well.  I didn't get the promotion I applied for.  It's not a terrible thing, and I suspect I didn't get it because they didn't want to do another round of hiring to fill my old position.  I was recently "transferred" from one position to a different position within my branch at work, and they haven't filled my previous position as it is, which means I'm covering two positions now.  I don't think they wanted me to move onto a third so quickly, even though the first transfer was involuntary.  While my job isn't all that bad, and it certainly helps pay the bills, it really isn't what I want to be doing.  Not getting the promotion is making me question why I'm staying, but the truth is I've stayed here so long because I have no idea what else to do.  My previous occupation is far too volatile for someone who is the primary breadwinner in the family.  I wasn't good enough at it to rely on it for a decent income, plus my current health issues would make it really difficult.  I would love to go back to school to study computer science or physical science, but I'm still paying loans for the degree I already have (which I don't even use).

Transportation is a problem

I realized today that not only do I need a plan for getting from the clinic to work after monitoring appointments, I will also probably need a plan to get TO the clinic from work for my first monitoring appointment, since I likely won't be able to schedule it ahead of time.  I started doing some research, and I realized that our city no longer does bus transfers.  Since there isn't a bus that goes directly to the clinic from my work, I would have to pay two fares.  Each way.  Each fare is $2.50.  That's insane!  If I knew ahead of time that I would need to take 4 buses in one day, I could probably buy a $6 daily pass, but I'm not sure where to buy those passes.  Obviously, working downtown next to the capital building has its perks (lots of great restaurants!  shopping!  parks!  etc, etc) but the transportation situation is far from ideal.

I'm also seriously irritated with the radiology department.  It turns out the most likely day that I would need to go in for an HSG is Friday, July 3.  Our department only does them on Fridays, and they only have 8 spots, so you have to reserve as early as possible, which is really, really hard when your cycle is irregular.  Turns out, radiology is closed on the 3rd for Independence Day, and the following week will likely be too late.  If my period starts in the next two days (which it might), I could possibly get my HSG next week, but of course the spots have probably been filled for weeks already.  So I would have to wait another month AGAIN.  Obviously, we're just skipping the HSG at this point, because this is getting ridiculous.