Good news for the day

Yesterday was my injection training, and it went pretty well.  I mean, as well as it could go, considering it involves jabbing needles into my abdomen.  I'm not looking forward to actually doing it.  I'm also not looking forward to monitoring appointments, mostly due to transportation logistics.  All monitoring appointments are in the morning, which is great, but then I would have to get to work.  Somehow.  My husband can drop me off before my appointments (hopefully with a minimum of grumbling about it), and then I'd be on my own.  It's a 5-mile bike ride to work (totally doable, but with the added difficulty of having to bring the bike in/on the car, as our bike rack is difficult) or I can take two different buses, which will take approximately 40 minutes, not including time waiting for the bus.  Which actually isn't THAT much less time that it would take me to bike, and biking has the added benefit of me getting more exercise.  I will have to think about this, and talk it over with my husband, who I anticipate will be grouchy about the whole thing.  I think my period will start Sunday or sometime next week, so at the point we'll have to figure it all out.  I've already had a bit of spotting and it's only D 18.  Which makes sense, I guess. 

Speaking of exercise (which we were, right?), I've FINALLY started a serious exercise program.  Sort of.  In two weeks, I'm switching back to a regular schedule at work, meaning I will work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day.  Right now, I work 9 hours a day and take one day off every other week, which was great in theory, but I never had enough time during the day to do what needed to be done.  Like exercise.  With my 8-hour days, I will start working at 7:15 (That's right!  Way earlier than I EVER want to be anywhere), having been dropped off by my sweetie-pie.  I'll have a half hour lunch and be done at 3:45, at which point I will go to the gym and work out and take the 5:40 bus home, or I will take the 4:10 bus home and exercise at home.

So far, I've been walking a lot and taking the stairs to the 6th floor multiple times a day.  Sunday morning, my husband and I biked to the next town (17 miles round trip) and in the afternoon we swam a bit, but not laps, just recreational swimming.  Yesterday morning I ran half a mile, then did a bunch of gardening, and then after my injection training I went to the gym, rock-climbed for about 45 minutes, and did 15 minutes on the rowing machine at a medium intensity.  My core was burning after 10 minutes, but I pushed through.

Ha!  I hit publish and forgot to mention the good news I was talking about.  My sweet kitty Max went in for his annual check-up and they did what they call a "senior screen".  Last year he was diagnosed with stage 1 kidney failure and I was so, so worried that things had gotten worse.  This is a new vet, and despite attempts by myself and the new vet receptionist, we couldn't get the old vet to send over his records - they said they would, and nothing ever came.  Anyway, his test results came back yesterday and everything was normal!  No kidney failure.  The vet said his lab results last year could have been the result of dehydration.  So I've been spending a fortune on a special diet and forcing him to eat it, even though he didn't want to, for no reason whatsoever.  But that doesn't matter, my sweet baby is ok!  Even if he is 14.  Here's a picture of how much I love him:

It's Friday

It's going to be over 100 here, but at least it's Friday!  And we have a swimming pool if the heat gets to be too much.

I realized recently that a lot of the reading and commenting I've done on other infertility sites was using my old wordpress log-in, from a blog from before I was so wrapped up in my own infertility and the most important thing on my mind was fixing up my house.  I'm still interested in fixing up my house (I am, by training anyway, an architect, and I really love working on houses), but since then we've sold my house and bought a new one together, one that is big enough to hold the family we hope to have.  Yesterday, I figured out how to follow other people's blogs (I think - I'm still unsure of how all that works, exactly).  So hopefully that will help me to interact with other blogs a bit more.  I'm not THAT old but sometimes I feel like cursing all this newfangled tech stuff.

My husband has decided to come with me to injection training Monday.  I think he's realizing how freaked out I am by all of this.  I'm not sure if he realizes that I'm not just freaked out by needles (which I am, despite the fact that I have 10 piercings, mostly in my ears) but also by the hormones.  I'm generally a healthy person.  I don't eat meat, I try to eat mostly organic, I almost never eat fast food, I don't drink soda, I eat lots and lots of fruits and veggies, and I attempt to exercise.  I try my hardest not to eat or drink anything with random weird chemicals, and I limit processed food as much as I can.  I do drink wine and beer, but no one is perfect.  I'm just not that excited about injecting a bunch of hormones into my body all at once.

I stepped on the scale

I'm not sure if it was a mistake or not.  I'm super depressed by how much I weigh, but now that I know what the number is, I'm also inspired to begin losing weight immediately.  As in, yesterday I went to the gym and really worked out.  I'm sore today, but in a good way.  I'm hoping I can keep this up, lose at least 20 pounds, and get healthy again.

So I mentioned that my injection training is on Monday.  Unfortunately, my husband is probably not going with me.  Wanna know why?  He tried planning a motorcycle trip with his brothers for the end of the month.  They both said no, which doesn't surprise me at all, so now he's decided to go by himself.  I really, really want him to do social things and pursue his passions, but I'm really irritated by this for two reasons:

1) He basically has no vacation time left, which means we can never do anything together that involves time off of work, like going on a real vacation.  He keeps using his time off for things like staying home to wait for the internet guy on a weekday instead of waiting for a weekend, because he couldn't go three more days without netflix.  So going to injection training with me is impossible, and it's possible he may have to take some time off WITHOUT PAY to go to this stupid motorcycle event.  By himself.  While I stay home and take care of the house and animals, after learning to inject myself with needles so I can carry his baby.

2) Now that we're married, we have 5 pets, we're trying to have a baby, and we have a new house that's far from everything, I never get to do anything I enjoy anymore.  I never go to the gym, go rock-climbing, hiking, camping, see my friends, go out for music or drinks or ANYTHING.  He keeps telling me that I can do these things, but living so far from everything means transportation is a real problem.  I either have to take public transportation, which doesn't run late enough for me to do anything after work, or I'm dependent on him to drive me, since I don't have anywhere to park near my office.  Trying to get him to do anything outdoors on the weekends is like pulling teeth.  I was so excited when I met him because it seemed like he liked to do all of the outdoorsy things that I like, but we've gone camping twice, and hiking maybe twice in the last two years.  I'm getting really disillusioned.

Honestly, I worry that having a baby will make me even more isolated.  And the whole trying to have a baby thing is making me cranky ALL THE TIME.  I know I'm the woman and all, but I'm also the primary breadwinner and I take care of all of the things that keep our lives running, like paying bills, and grocery shopping and budgeting and whatnot.  I know that I have to do most of the work in dealing with infertility, but I'm feeling like I have no support.  I think he's only been to one doctor's appointment with me.  He was only there for one of my surgeries, because (surprise!) he didn't have enough time off to be there for the second one.  I just feel really unsupported.  Am I asking for too much?

Mondays. Ugh.

My husband's cat got into a fight on Friday, and we didn't notice until late Friday night.  His ear and the area behind it were torn up.  He was missing a ton of fur, and there was a lot of blood involved.  So he had an emergency trip to the vet Saturday morning, he's been on medication, and he needs to stay inside for two weeks.  He was pretty doped up from all the medication, so he didn't really notice until last night that he's confined to the house.  Combined with the extreme heat (100 degrees outside, 90 degrees inside until we turned on the AC), the situation caused him to spend the night wandering the house, yowling.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep well, which really sucks since I have an interview this afternoon.  I won't mind too much if I don't get the job, since it's not THAT much better than the job I have right now, but a little pay bump would be nice.  And it comes with a corner cube with a great view.

I bought new pants for the interview, and for work in general.  It's gotten to the point where I can't fit into my pants anymore. I try to eat healthfully, but with a full-time job, a commute, a new house, a husband that doesn't always like to pitch in, and 5 pets, I'm overwhelmed.  On top of that, I have no time for exercising (I used to exercise every day).  In addition to the weight gain, my joints are starting to feel old and creaky, and my muscles have atrophied.  I'm getting tired of people telling me I look fine, though.  I obviously don't.  What's happening to me right now is NOT healthy.  I'm hoping once our house is a bit more settled (and we're getting closer all the time!), I'll have time to exercise more.

My husband and I have decided to DTD (do the deed, one of the few baby-making euphemisms that doesn't bother me) every other day until I'm pretty sure I've ovulated.  We've decided not to do ovulation testing anymore, since it just makes me cranky.  I have injection training next Monday.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I'm terrified of needles.  I've gotten used to having blood drawn and getting shots, but I can't watch it being done, and I'm grateful that it's not too frequent of an occurrence.  But the thought of having to give myself shots, which I imagine would require me actually looking, and doing them every day if not multiple times a day is horrifying to me.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can get pregnant naturally this month.

Spotting?

So today is the day my cycle should have started.  I guess.  I've had some very low-grade cramping all week, and this morning I went to the bathroom and there was pink spotting.  Not only do I not know what is going on, I don't have any idea what to do.  Go to the doctor?  Email a doctor (I don't know who - my regular OBGYN?  One of the fertility clinic doctors?).  Or is it just the last vestiges of my period working their way out and I shouldn't worry at all?

For the record, I have gone twice this morning, both times including BMs (sorry, TMI?) and I'm feeling much less like I'm having my period, and the spotting stopped the second time.  Back when my periods were more normal, I often had a final "push" on day 5 or 6, sometimes to the point of bleeding through ALL of my protection and clothes, and then my period would abruptly stop.  So I'm thinking that's what's happening.  I grew up in a household where my mom was a serious hypochondriac who projected it onto her children, and took us to the doctor whenever we mentioned any possible ailment, certain that we had cancer.  Now that I'm an adult, I really have no good concept of what warrants being seen by a doctor.

In other news.  My husband and I bought a Karlstad couch.  It's HUGE and we love it.  we bought the 3+2 and added on a chaise, which I thought meant converting one of the sections into a chaise.  I didn't realize it involved adding on another whole piece, but luckily it fits perfectly in our family room and now we can fit both of our extended families quite comfortably on one piece of furniture.

We tried out our dog run for the first time last night when we went to dinner, and the dogs seem to really like it.  I'm so relieved.  Our dogs can be incredibly destructive, so we can't really leave them alone unless they're in crates, and since I don't like leaving them in their crates a lot, we tend to just not go anywhere.  Now they have a nice big dog run outside, and have space to play and relax, and they can be together.  It's so much better, and as soon as we get a dog house for them, I'll feel a lot better about going out to dinner or running errands and doing fun stuff on the weekends.

Another month

I randomly started my period on Saturday morning, 6 days early.  I have so little bleeding now that the only way I can tell I'm starting is the debilitating cramps.  They are so bad I can't even stand up straight, and getting out of bed is miserable.  I actually did have quite a bit of blood on Saturday, then a little Sunday, and that was it.  It was over by Sunday night.  I don't get it.

Since I started 6 days early, I had to call Monday morning and try to reschedule my HSG for this week instead of next week.  I was informed that there was already a long waiting list and I'd be better off waiting for next month.  She then asked when my next period should start.  I practically started crying, and said I didn't know - with my period varying between 22 and 28 days, how would I know?  And I seriously have to wait ANOTHER month just because of bureaucracy?  So then she said we could start a medicated cycle immediately without doing an HSG, but if there were problems we didn't know about, we'd be wasting time and money.  My husband and I immediately decided to start right away.  We've waited so long, and we don't want to wait any more.

The nurse said I'd have to come in that day for an ultrasound, so I raced in to take the appointment they had available.  I was informed I'd have to go to an injection training class that afternoon (and here I thought I'd be taking pills, but I guess not), and they proceeded to do the ultrasound.  5-6 follicles in my right ovary!  Not bad considering my other factors, really.  At first they couldn't see the left ovary, but then they found the cyst that was apparently obscuring it.  It was 19mm, and they immediately stopped the ultrasound and told me this cycle was not an option.  I was pretty upset.  My husband was REALLY upset.  So once again, we're waiting.  And maybe trying naturally.  I guess.  He doesn't seem to understand that since my last ovulation positive was on the 18th day of the month (not my cycle - the month), it won't necessarily be on June 18th.  I'm pretty sure he understands that my cycles are 27-28 days (normally), but I think he tends to think of them as "monthly" unless I specifically tell him otherwise.

In other news!  I built a nice big garden bed for myself and planted some fabulous veggies (heirloom tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumber, basil, and a few hot peppers for the husband).  We replaced the non-functioning toilet in our master bath and the horrible shower head, and it is so nice to have a working master bathroom again!  I started drawing up plans for a complete master bathroom and closet remodel, which is starting to bleed into a master bedroom redo as well.  Which we can't afford, seeing as how we just bought: a new IKEA couch, new motorcycle helmets, a Dyson vacuum, a racing bicycle, a car, a new radiator for our old car, a fridge, a HOUSE, and some other stuff I can't remember right now...  Yeah.  We've been spending money likes it's going out of style.  And yes, we got amazing deals on most of that stuff, but sheesh.  Time to batten down the hatches and save for infertility treatments.

I've been having some mild cramping this morning.  Actually, it's so mild, I wouldn't even call it cramping.  I also had what I think was a bit of spotting, but it was so faint it could have just been my imagination.  Today is day 21 of this cycle.  I guess.  Does this mean my period is going to start?  Or maybe this is the beginning of 4-5 days of spotting before my cycle starts.  Or, I suppose it could be implantation, but I seriously doubt that.  It feels more like PMS.

I have to admit that I think my chances of getting pregnant without donor eggs or embryos are pretty low.  To be honest, if someone asked me if I thought I would ever get pregnant with my own eggs, I would have to say no.  I really, really don't think it will happen without help.  I'm not sure it will happen WITH help.  Sometimes I feel like I'm being pessimistic, but as we approach the end of the 18th month of trying, I'm starting to think that I'm just being realistic.

I've stopped ovulation testing.  I'm pretty much out of test strips and I don't want to buy more.  It seems somewhat pointless - regardless of when or whether I ovulate, I'm not going to get pregnant the old-fashioned way.  And testing was driving me crazy, what with having to remember to stop drinking, hold my pee all afternoon, and all that.

My husband is talking about taking bereavement leave next week.  I don't know if he's thinking about flying back to England for the funeral or just taking the time off and being at home.  He's not in a good frame of mind for working right now, though.  He doesn't seem upset, just sad.  And angry with his family for not getting along better.