My mother is a difficult person. I know I've said that before. She turns 75 next week, and I'm sure she's expecting a huge party, but I just don't have it in me. She called my sister last night (we'll call her S for clarity, and my mother will be M), and started out by telling S how awful all of M's children are (myself included), then informed S that M needed surgery for cataracts and that S would have to spend a day carting M around for it. Obviously, my sister was less than thrilled (who starts a plea for help by telling the person you're asking how horrible they are?). I told my sister that I would take a day off of work to go with her, but I'm not taking care of my mother by myself. I'm in no condition to deal with my mother's crap right now.
Speaking of which, I obviously haven't told my mother about my infertility. At all. She doesn't know that I've had multiple surgeries for fibroids, that we've been trying to have a family for 20 months (21 months?), that we're having lots of problems. She was, however, concerned that if I don't have children, she might lose the competition with her friends over who had the most grandchildren. Luckily, my sister's pregnancy has relieved the pressure on me over that. Considering her less than enthusiastic response when my husband and I told her that we were getting married, and her recently telling me that she liked me better when I was single, I doubt she'll be too excited for us if we do manage to get pregnant. I would love to have a supportive mother who could support me through this, but I unfortunately did not win the mother lottery.
I was recently thinking about the costs of infertility, probably brought about by friends complaining about the costs of children. I wonder if they would complain so much if they had to actually pay to get pregnant. So far, my husband and I have paid just under $4,000 and we owe another $1,000-$3,000 for my last surgery, once the bill is finished being processed. This includes lots of diagnostics, doctor's appointment, two fibroid surgeries, and one injectible IUI cycle, but no ovulation testing kits, pregnancy tests, vitamins, and the like. In the grand scheme of things, it's not actually that much money, but who knows how much more we'll have to spend?
So as I embark on my TWW, I know that it will be a while before any symptoms will show. But last night, man did I have sore boobs. I guess it could be from the trigger shot, right? It's also insanely hot here, yesterday on the drive home our car said it was 111 outside, and at 9:30 last night it was around 84. I was sweltering. Today is supposed to be the last day over 100, I think. I really hope.
I completely forgot that my husband is leaving next Wednesday for a children's camp at which he will be a counselor (I guess?) for children's hospital patients. It's not that far away, but they're in need of male chaperones who can stay for the whole camp, and he gets paid for it, so he's doing it. He'll be gone through Sunday, and chances are if this IUI didn't work, I will be getting my period sometime while he's gone. I don't look forward to dealing with that by myself.
And on top of everything else, our dog had another seizure last night, the third one in the month of June. We need to figure out a better plan to take care of her, as what we're doing right now is obviously not working, and it's really hard on us as well. Hopefully we can get it figured out soon.
And the wait continues!
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Beginning the TWW
So now I'm in the beginning of my first official TWW. Crazy.
Let me back up a little. I went in Saturday for the follow-up to my follicle sizing. The follicle on the right had barely grown, and was around 13.5. The left had surged ahead to 18.1, and my uterine lining was around 8.4 (I think, I should write these things down!). So I was given the go-ahead to trigger that night at 10 pm. We picked up the trigger shot and the sterile collection cup at the pharmacy and headed home, ecstatic that we were almost done with this cycle.
I'm a little sad that we likely only had one mature egg, but one is better than none. We did the trigger shot at 10 pm. I didn't feel the shot at all, but boy was my belly tender afterwards. It was still sore yesterday, but this morning it seems fine.
Obviously, I had the actual insemination yesterday morning. It was more painful than I thought it would be. I was told that it would be easier than the HSG, but it wasn't, probably because the HSG involved injecting liquid into my uterine cavity, and the insemination was done using a catheter, which is a bit more sturdy. My uterus is retroverted, and my back was killing me during and after the procedure, to the point that I turned on the heated seat in the car for the drive home, even though it was over 100 degrees yesterday.
Another effect of the trigger shot was that it made me awfully lethargic. I spent a lot of Sunday just laying around, and had no energy at all. Yesterday, I had plans to get a LOT done, and I spent several hours just lying on the couch, although I'm sure the heat had something to do with it too. My abdomen felt rather full and ever-so-slightly painful, sort of like a mild period or bad gas (really, more like bad gas than anything else). And I felt a bit light-headed. Today, I'm feeling much, much better, but still tired.
The heat is killing me, though. It's only getting down into the upper 60s at night, so sleeping has been terrible. I've never used AC so much in my life. Today is forecast to be 110, and tomorrow will be 109, they say. Due to the insemination, I couldn't jump in the pool yesterday, but I have every intention to get in today. I'd love to swim laps, but I may not have the energy. I went to the gym yesterday, but I was so exhausted and worried about jarring my innards that I didn't get a great workout.
The next two weeks are going to be hard, but I'm keeping my spirits up and trying hard not to get too anxious about everything.
Let me back up a little. I went in Saturday for the follow-up to my follicle sizing. The follicle on the right had barely grown, and was around 13.5. The left had surged ahead to 18.1, and my uterine lining was around 8.4 (I think, I should write these things down!). So I was given the go-ahead to trigger that night at 10 pm. We picked up the trigger shot and the sterile collection cup at the pharmacy and headed home, ecstatic that we were almost done with this cycle.
I'm a little sad that we likely only had one mature egg, but one is better than none. We did the trigger shot at 10 pm. I didn't feel the shot at all, but boy was my belly tender afterwards. It was still sore yesterday, but this morning it seems fine.
Obviously, I had the actual insemination yesterday morning. It was more painful than I thought it would be. I was told that it would be easier than the HSG, but it wasn't, probably because the HSG involved injecting liquid into my uterine cavity, and the insemination was done using a catheter, which is a bit more sturdy. My uterus is retroverted, and my back was killing me during and after the procedure, to the point that I turned on the heated seat in the car for the drive home, even though it was over 100 degrees yesterday.
Another effect of the trigger shot was that it made me awfully lethargic. I spent a lot of Sunday just laying around, and had no energy at all. Yesterday, I had plans to get a LOT done, and I spent several hours just lying on the couch, although I'm sure the heat had something to do with it too. My abdomen felt rather full and ever-so-slightly painful, sort of like a mild period or bad gas (really, more like bad gas than anything else). And I felt a bit light-headed. Today, I'm feeling much, much better, but still tired.
The heat is killing me, though. It's only getting down into the upper 60s at night, so sleeping has been terrible. I've never used AC so much in my life. Today is forecast to be 110, and tomorrow will be 109, they say. Due to the insemination, I couldn't jump in the pool yesterday, but I have every intention to get in today. I'd love to swim laps, but I may not have the energy. I went to the gym yesterday, but I was so exhausted and worried about jarring my innards that I didn't get a great workout.
The next two weeks are going to be hard, but I'm keeping my spirits up and trying hard not to get too anxious about everything.
Monday, June 29, 2015
insemination time!
I'm sitting in the waiting room while they prepare my husband's sample. I can't believe the day is here! Traffic was horrendous on the way here. My appointment wasn't until 8:20, and i normally get to work at 7:15 or earlier, so i was really in the thick of rush hour traffic. On top of that, i got stuck behind a convoy of trucks delivering rides to the state fair, which will be starting in a week or two. It was surreal driving along with my husband's little guys safely tucked inside my shirt, following truck after truck loaded up with brightly colored pieces of carnival rides and an entire ticket booth.
i had a dream last night that we'd done the insemination but I'd forgotten to stay lying down for 10 minutes afterward and i had immediately rushed off to an amusement park. Sort of a weird dream, makes me wonder if the cats were playing on the bed or something.
I'm not only relieved to finally be doing something, I'm happy to not have to do anymore injections for at least two weeks. That trigger shot was painful. Wish me luck!
i had a dream last night that we'd done the insemination but I'd forgotten to stay lying down for 10 minutes afterward and i had immediately rushed off to an amusement park. Sort of a weird dream, makes me wonder if the cats were playing on the bed or something.
I'm not only relieved to finally be doing something, I'm happy to not have to do anymore injections for at least two weeks. That trigger shot was painful. Wish me luck!
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Fantabulous news!
I had my follicle sizing about an hour and a half ago. My lining was 7.4, which was good. And I had 2.5 follicles that were quite large! My right ovary had one that was 12.6 (I think, I didn't write down exact measurements). My left had one that was 13.9 and another that was 6.5 (hence the 2.5 follicles). I don't hold out a ton of hope for the little 6.5, which is fine since I have 2 great follicles!!! The doctor said I was responding really well to the medication. I go back Saturday morning for a re-check, with a possibility of triggering Saturday night.
I actually have hope that this might work, which is kind of scary. I've never had hope for a pregnancy before, and so I was never that upset when it didn't happen. I expected to get my period every month. Now I have hope, and that hope could be crushed so easily. But even if this cycle ends with a BFN, at the very least I'll know that my body responds well to the meds and I can make at least 2 follicles, so IVF may not be a complete waste of time if that's where we end up.
I actually have hope that this might work, which is kind of scary. I've never had hope for a pregnancy before, and so I was never that upset when it didn't happen. I expected to get my period every month. Now I have hope, and that hope could be crushed so easily. But even if this cycle ends with a BFN, at the very least I'll know that my body responds well to the meds and I can make at least 2 follicles, so IVF may not be a complete waste of time if that's where we end up.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Follicle Sizing tomorrow
I can't wait to see what's happening down there! I realize it could be bad news. My little follicles could still be little, or we could have a few nice-sized ones (I'm hoping for two good ones, that's all I ask), but either way, at least we'd know something, which is more than what we've known the last 19 months.
My husband did a horrible job of injecting on Monday night. It really hurt. My husband said he could feel the medication going in. I think he felt really bad, especially since he pinched my skin to get the needle in and then forgot to let go. It was sore all day yesterday if I even touched it, like when I put something into my jacket pocket. Last night went much more smoothly, and I barely even felt it. D is getting so much better at mixing the meds and doing the injections.
OK, one non-IF paragraph: Our dogs are finally settling down a bit. There were so many times I was ready to just bring them back to the shelter due to their behavior. The only dog I'd ever had before was when I was young, and we got him when he was 3, so well past the puppy stage. I had no idea puppies could be SO destructive and irritating, and while they're still a little destructive and irritating, they're also sweet and charming. They love everyone, and they're turning into great dogs.
My husband did a horrible job of injecting on Monday night. It really hurt. My husband said he could feel the medication going in. I think he felt really bad, especially since he pinched my skin to get the needle in and then forgot to let go. It was sore all day yesterday if I even touched it, like when I put something into my jacket pocket. Last night went much more smoothly, and I barely even felt it. D is getting so much better at mixing the meds and doing the injections.
OK, one non-IF paragraph: Our dogs are finally settling down a bit. There were so many times I was ready to just bring them back to the shelter due to their behavior. The only dog I'd ever had before was when I was young, and we got him when he was 3, so well past the puppy stage. I had no idea puppies could be SO destructive and irritating, and while they're still a little destructive and irritating, they're also sweet and charming. They love everyone, and they're turning into great dogs.
Monday, June 22, 2015
It's happening so fast
I went in for my baseline ultrasound on Friday. Apparently, everything looked good because we were told to start injections that evening! OMG!!! I had four follicles on the right, and three or four on the left. Not a lot, I know. It makes me very concerned about IVF (also, I can't seem to stop talking about this cycle as if it's just a diagnostic cycle, instead of an actual infertility treatment cycle that could really work! There's no reason why it can't work!) since that's such a tiny number of follicles to start out with. Anyway, I'm trying to remind myself constantly that this cycle could end up with a positive outcome, and to stop saying "we're probably going to have to move on to donor embryos after this".
So, injections. I am terrified of needles. My husband really, really doesn't get it. He is not scared of needles. He can't understand why I am. He also REALLY sucks at following directions, probably because he never even reads them. After I picked up the medications on Friday, I ran a TON of errands, and started prepping for our housewarming party Saturday. Then, after my husband got home, I read through all of the instructions for the meds, just to have a little refresher. My husband did not. It came time to mix the medications, and it was soooo hard not to remind him how to do everything (for example, hold the syringe with the pointy side down when pushing meds/saline out, turn it upside down when drawing the mixture back in to avoid air getting in). Reminding him to wash his hands. Reminding him where the injection site was supposed to be. Reminding him to get the extra air out of the syringe before sticking me with it. Telling him to get his finger off the damn plunger before he stuck me with the needle. Telling him to put the needle cap back on BEFORE dumping it in the sharps container. He got upset with me for getting upset with him. So yeah, that went well.
So I picked up 12 vials of meds at the pharmacy. They come in boxes of five, so I got two boxes, plus two loose vials. I never really looked at the vials before, but I had been told that the meds are powder, which will dissolve quickly in the saline. So I didn't notice that the first vial we pulled out was empty. I looked for the meds, figured it was just a small amount of powder, and didn't think about about it until we pulled out the second vial and it was half full of powder. We had already punctured the first one, so I had no way to prove that it was already empty, but the pharmacy was nice and took it back and exchanged it for a full one, so I have enough to make it to my next appointment. Whew.
But really, it's hard to believe we're actually doing something. Finally! After 19 months of trying (something like 22 cycles, I think), two surgeries, watching my AMH levels fall from 1.35 to 0.4, and waiting through cysts, we're taking the first steps. Amazing!
So, injections. I am terrified of needles. My husband really, really doesn't get it. He is not scared of needles. He can't understand why I am. He also REALLY sucks at following directions, probably because he never even reads them. After I picked up the medications on Friday, I ran a TON of errands, and started prepping for our housewarming party Saturday. Then, after my husband got home, I read through all of the instructions for the meds, just to have a little refresher. My husband did not. It came time to mix the medications, and it was soooo hard not to remind him how to do everything (for example, hold the syringe with the pointy side down when pushing meds/saline out, turn it upside down when drawing the mixture back in to avoid air getting in). Reminding him to wash his hands. Reminding him where the injection site was supposed to be. Reminding him to get the extra air out of the syringe before sticking me with it. Telling him to get his finger off the damn plunger before he stuck me with the needle. Telling him to put the needle cap back on BEFORE dumping it in the sharps container. He got upset with me for getting upset with him. So yeah, that went well.
So I picked up 12 vials of meds at the pharmacy. They come in boxes of five, so I got two boxes, plus two loose vials. I never really looked at the vials before, but I had been told that the meds are powder, which will dissolve quickly in the saline. So I didn't notice that the first vial we pulled out was empty. I looked for the meds, figured it was just a small amount of powder, and didn't think about about it until we pulled out the second vial and it was half full of powder. We had already punctured the first one, so I had no way to prove that it was already empty, but the pharmacy was nice and took it back and exchanged it for a full one, so I have enough to make it to my next appointment. Whew.
But really, it's hard to believe we're actually doing something. Finally! After 19 months of trying (something like 22 cycles, I think), two surgeries, watching my AMH levels fall from 1.35 to 0.4, and waiting through cysts, we're taking the first steps. Amazing!
Thursday, June 18, 2015
CD 1
Today it starts. What this means: I just had a 19-day cycle, which is just insanely short. It means I go in tomorrow for my baseline ultrasound. It means, assuming everything is ok, I start injections on Saturday, the day of my housewarming party. What fun!
My husband was a complete jerk about it this morning. I mentioned that I would be calling the clinic and would try to schedule an appointment. I also told him that I was worried that most of my cycles lately have been too short. He then told me that I needed to stop being so nervous and that all of this was no big deal. I explained to him that, since he hasn't gone to most of my appointments, he wouldn't know that I had been told that shorter cycles was a sign of impending menopause. He scoffed at me, telling me that was impossible since I'm so young, and I told him age didn't matter, you start menopause when you run out of eggs, and I'm running out of eggs really quickly. So then I accused him of not being supportive, and he vehemently disagreed. I'm starting to get pretty angry about his attitude. I don't feel like I'm asking too much, honestly.
I'm feeling quite apprehensive about my professional life as well. I didn't get the promotion I applied for. It's not a terrible thing, and I suspect I didn't get it because they didn't want to do another round of hiring to fill my old position. I was recently "transferred" from one position to a different position within my branch at work, and they haven't filled my previous position as it is, which means I'm covering two positions now. I don't think they wanted me to move onto a third so quickly, even though the first transfer was involuntary. While my job isn't all that bad, and it certainly helps pay the bills, it really isn't what I want to be doing. Not getting the promotion is making me question why I'm staying, but the truth is I've stayed here so long because I have no idea what else to do. My previous occupation is far too volatile for someone who is the primary breadwinner in the family. I wasn't good enough at it to rely on it for a decent income, plus my current health issues would make it really difficult. I would love to go back to school to study computer science or physical science, but I'm still paying loans for the degree I already have (which I don't even use).
My husband was a complete jerk about it this morning. I mentioned that I would be calling the clinic and would try to schedule an appointment. I also told him that I was worried that most of my cycles lately have been too short. He then told me that I needed to stop being so nervous and that all of this was no big deal. I explained to him that, since he hasn't gone to most of my appointments, he wouldn't know that I had been told that shorter cycles was a sign of impending menopause. He scoffed at me, telling me that was impossible since I'm so young, and I told him age didn't matter, you start menopause when you run out of eggs, and I'm running out of eggs really quickly. So then I accused him of not being supportive, and he vehemently disagreed. I'm starting to get pretty angry about his attitude. I don't feel like I'm asking too much, honestly.
I'm feeling quite apprehensive about my professional life as well. I didn't get the promotion I applied for. It's not a terrible thing, and I suspect I didn't get it because they didn't want to do another round of hiring to fill my old position. I was recently "transferred" from one position to a different position within my branch at work, and they haven't filled my previous position as it is, which means I'm covering two positions now. I don't think they wanted me to move onto a third so quickly, even though the first transfer was involuntary. While my job isn't all that bad, and it certainly helps pay the bills, it really isn't what I want to be doing. Not getting the promotion is making me question why I'm staying, but the truth is I've stayed here so long because I have no idea what else to do. My previous occupation is far too volatile for someone who is the primary breadwinner in the family. I wasn't good enough at it to rely on it for a decent income, plus my current health issues would make it really difficult. I would love to go back to school to study computer science or physical science, but I'm still paying loans for the degree I already have (which I don't even use).
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