Yesterday was incredibly frustrating

First things first - we adopted another kitty!  I've been looking at getting another cat for a while.  Both of our cats are old, and they don't really spend time together.  We wanted another cat that would play with Boss and cuddle with Max (since Max doesn't play, and Boss isn't going to be cuddling with anyone other than me or my husband).  I'm a huge fan of Maine Coons, and we knew we wanted a young cat, but probably not a kitten.  At the beginning of the week, I noticed that the county shelter had a one-year-old Maine Coon, so we made plans to leave work early and go see her on the first day they were open.  We got there maybe 15 minutes before someone else who was interested and we went home with her that day, to the chagrin of the other potential adopter.  She's a complete sweetheart and is fitting in really well so far with our menangerie.

In other news, I am sick and tired of dealing with house stuff.  I'm ready to wash my hands of the situation completely.  Unfortunately, I'm the only one in the family who takes responsibility for all of these kinds of things, and so I can't just quite, but I'm completely overwhelmed.  Being in charge is completely overrated.  (Ironically, my 4.5-year-old niece told us last night that she thinks my husband is in charge because he's funnier - of course he's funnier!  He never worries about anything!).  The contractor came to do most of the work yesterday.  I'm not particularly happy with the job he did, but I really don't care anymore.

And...  my sister is pregnant.  I'm really, really happy for her.  She's wanted this for a while, and she deserves it and I love my niece and nephew so much and I'm excited to have another one around.  But I'm feeling very sad for myself today.

Beginning the process

We applied for the donor embryo program last night.  My husband was so helpful - his answers to all of the questions involved things like Jedi and Samuel L. Jackson.  He also insisted on weighing himself to get a very accurate weight, and he had lost weight without even trying.  Grrrrrrrrr.

I'm currently doing ovulation testing.  I hate it.  It makes me angry.  Yesterday I avoided drinking anything all afternoon, and I ended up not really needing to pee until it was time.  The day before, I forgot and had an emergen-C, and boy did the afternoon suck.  I had to go so bad by the time my husband came to pick me up, I was so happy we didn't hit much traffic on the way home.  I practically knocked him over running to the bathroom.

So our loan officer had been incredibly worried about the timing for our loan - we would have at most 20 days to get the loan approved.  I submitted all the paperwork Monday and crossed my fingers, and found out yesterday that it was approved after only 1 day!  So everything is going well, and hopefully I can start getting ready for moving by reserving a truck and trying to find people to help with loading and unloading, and boarding the dogs.  I just need to know the date that we're moving out and the date we get the keys to move in.  I'm fine with being "homeless" for a day or two, especially since my sister's wedding is right around moving time, so we can arrange to be out of town for one night while all of our stuff is stored somewhere (hopefully in a moving truck). 

I am, however, sick and tired of dealing with paperwork and loans and insurance and inspectors and appraisers.  It makes me want to take a week off, during which I will watch TV and nap and eat chocolate ice cream.

We made a decision

We're going to move forward with the donor embryo program.  When we talked about it last night, I was really nervous about making the decision.  But now that I've slept on it, I feel really good about it.  My biggest concern, by far, with proceeding with IVF was that we would end up with no embryos.  Or we would end up with maybe one or two and they would not be "good", as in genetically bad.  Or they wouldn't implant and that would be that.  We'd have squandered all of our money, and have no options left.  Considering my current AMH levels, and how quickly they've dropped, it was a terrifying prospect.

The donor embryo program is pretty awesome, too.  They ask for all kinds of information and try to get a close match.  Considering that we are open to adoption (but also worried about the time and cost involved), this seems like the best option for us.  We'll be filling out the paperwork tonight, and I can't wait to get started.

Embryo donation

My husband (who is seriously in the dog house right now, for other reasons) and I were eating some meal sometime this weekend and listening to Pandora.  I believe it was lunch on Saturday, but we had such a crazy weekend that I can't remember.  Anyway, we were listening to Pandora and an ad came on about a local fertility clinic that offered embryo donation programs.  I looked it up, and the price is very comparable to the program we're in right now.  As much as I like the idea of having a genetically-linked child, I'm not that picky, honestly.  What if the baby ended up with my horrible vision and his horrible teeth?  I would feel so bad about it!

In terms of pros and cons, the donated embryo option would be slightly cheaper and would come with a guarantee (no baby after three tries = money back).  The embryo would likely be healthier than any embryo we could make ourselves since our eggs and sperm are older and likely to have more problems.  I'm really leaning towards IVF with donated embryos.  My husband, on the other hand, wants to try regular IVF first, but if that failed, I don't see how we could afford any more treatments, and the donor embryos have a much higher chance of working, plus I wouldn't have to go through the agony of stimulation and collection.

In other news, I've been thinking a lot lately about how men have traditionally avoided marriage (because they lose their freedoms, have a wife and future family to support, etc) and women have traditionally wanted marriage (because they need someone to support them), and I wonder why that stereotype hasn't changed now that more women are working, and more women are primary breadwinners.  I got married last summer.  I love my husband.  But I'm the primary breadwinner, and I'm still somehow expected to do all the cooking and housework, and manage the household.  My husband does do the laundry, walks the dogs, and does a few other things around the house.  But I feel like he gets WAY more out of being married than I do.  Ergo, I think it's time to change the stereotype.

Waiting

CD 1 and CD 2 have come and gone.  We decided to wait one more cycle to start IVF.  I'm quite unhappy with the whole situation, but I can't really do anything about it until we get moving sorted out.  I think we'll try regular IVF once and hope that it works out.  If by some miracle we end up with two or more embryos, we'll use the program that allows us to do multiple transfers for free if we agree to only do one at a time.  If it doesn't work ou, maybe try with donor embryos?  I just don't know.  We won't have any money left at all at that point, although I'm currently looking into an IVF loan.  Which is pretty momentous, since I despise all forms of debt.  As soon as I realized how difficult it would be to pay my student loans back, I decided never to take on debt, other than a mortgage.  And now I have a loan for three motorcycles, although that will be paid off in the next few months.  But I've never had a car loan (in fact, I've never paid more than $3000 for a car).  I never keep much on my credit card for any length of time, except for right now since we're about to move.  I hate the thought of borrowing so much money for something that has such a low chance of working.  I hate the thought of borrowing money for something that is a sure thing, but at least you can feel ok about it.

I finally told my boss about IVF.  In addition to moving, IVF is going to cause me to miss quite a bit of work (not full days, though).  In the next few months.  He knows people who've done it, and seemed confident it would work.  I didn't really want to get into the details about my diminished ovarian reserve.  My office is a wonderful place - everyone is incredibly kind and supportive, and looks for any excuse to celebrate someone who deserves it - buying a house, getting married, having a baby, running a marathon, ANYTHING is worth celebrating.  Everyone participates regardless of gender.  We go out for lunch or gelato regularly.  It's really an amazing place to work, even though I'm not that excited about what we actually do.  But I'm the only one struggling with infertility - out of the 12 or so staff members in my group, one had a baby a few weeks ago, one is due any day now, and another is due in two months.  Another has 1.5-year-old twins, one has a 2-year-old, and has a 6-month-old.  There are babies EVERYWHERE.  I am so very happy for all of my coworkers, but it can be hard not to let it get me down.

Good news/Bad news

So first the good news - our offer was accepted!  We're going to have to do more work than we wanted to on our own house in order to get the contingencies cleared as soon as possible, but if all goes as planned we'll be moving in 25 days.  Unfortunately, that's going to coincide with my older sister's wedding, so it's going to take some serious planning and coordinating to make everything happen, but I'm confident we can do it.

I saw my OBGYN for my pap smear yesterday.  She was the doctor who originally referred me to the infertility center last year.  She had reviewed my file and all my test results before she came in (I love doctors who do that!) and she told me that while my chances of having a baby were definitely reduced, that a small chance is not the same thing as no chance.  She also suggested donor eggs, but acknowledged that it can be expensive.  That was a little frustrating.  Then I got home to discover the bill for my January surgery in my mailbox, the surgery that I had in order to make sure my uterus was prepared for a baby.  It was $3400.  At the rate we're spending money, we're not going to get enough out of selling our house to even pay for one round of IVF, much less do some of the work I want to do on the house.

I started my period today, and we're not in a position to pay $15,000 for IVF in 4 weeks, so we'll be waiting until next cycle to get started.  I'm so nervous about waiting even one more month, but I think once we're moved into our new house and all of the stress of buying and selling at the same time is over I'll start feeling better about the whole process.

We're looking at homelessness (and childlessness!)

It seems no one wants to sell a house to anyone who is in the process of selling their old house.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed on this last one we made an offer on (house number 6, offer number 7 since we made two offers on the same house, once before we were in contract, once after).  We even wrote the owners, who are the original owners from 1975(!), to tell them that we really just want a nice house to raise a family in (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA).  After we sent it, I immediately had thoughts of them coming back in 5 years asking where our kids were, and accusing us of buying their home under false pretenses.

I spent Easter with my mother, the least supportive person in the world.  I am not a religious person, but she is, and she begged me to come so she wouldn't have to spend Easter alone.  It was a disaster.  My husband and I went to her house and picked her up to go out.  It was sort of a last-minute decision, and I would have been perfectly happy cooking something, but I think he felt bad about me having to do all the cooking and cleaning at her house when I do most of it at home too.  So we drove around trying to find a restaurant that was open and had space for us, and we ended up at a VERY expensive restaurant.  The bill came to $200.  My mom's first attempt to pay with her credit card was declined.  Luckily, she has a whole wallet full of credit cards!  So she managed to pay, but there is no way I'm ever going out with her again.  And then, they gave us caramel candy, and right after she said "I once lost a filling to a caramel", guess what happened?  That's right, and not only a filling, but also part of a tooth.

So I have my pap smear today and then we'll be rapidly approaching decision time for IVF.  I'm anxious to get an antral follicle count.  I think that will give us a much better idea of the likelihood of IVF working.  Every month I hold out hope that this could be the month.  As every doctor has told us, there's no reason why we haven't gotten pregnant on our own (of course, that was before we knew just how badly my ovaries were doing).  Today is CD 23.  Last month, my cycle was 23 days, and the previous month it was 21, and those are the only two cycles I've had since all of the fibroids were removed.  At the moment, there is no sign of a period, and I usually have spotting the week before.  I have no breast tenderness (but I never do for ovulation or PMS or anything), I've had some nausea, and today I'm constipated.  Also, for the last week, I've had tons of lower back pain, and since my uterus is retroverted (that's the word for tipped backward, right?), I tend to feel anything that happens in my back as well as my front.  So maybe this is the cycle where everything works the way it should.