Migration

So this format is really not working for me, which is unfortunate since I've put a lot of time into setting it up.  I've created a new space at WordPress, and i will hopefully be migrating my infertility content over there in the next few days.  Please join me there!

https://calcandide.wordpress.com

not expecting much

I finally figured out why the doctor (incorrectly) thought I had two follicles.  During my previous cycle, the NP was having a hard time finding my left ovary, and when she did, the follicle was hiding a bit.  She ended up measuring it twice, the first time at 18.1, and the second time she told the medical assistant to just put over 18 in my chart.  The assistant must have entered the measurements as two different follicles.  I’m pretty angry that a stupid little mistake like that is costing us so much money, although I shouldn’t be surprised after the charting debacle after my surgery.



I had a follicle check on Friday showing the exact same thing as my follicle check last cycle, two larger follies and one smaller one.  By Monday (yesterday) we had only one viable follicle, a little farther behind than last cycle at 17 and change.  I was so upset I cried.  I don’t know why we’re spending all this money to just get one follicle, it seems like such a waste.  It also seems likely this cycle won’t succeed.  Needless to say, we’re moving on to a different clinic, and most likely IVF with donor eggs or embryos.  It won’t be covered by insurance at all.  It will probably cost close to $20,000.  We’re already tens of thousands of dollars in debt for student loans, we just found out yesterday our car will probably need a new engine, and our credit card bills are getting higher and higher.  I feel like we’re drowning.



Yesterday was a bad appointment in another way too.  Because the clinic close to my house didn’t have any appointments, I had to go to the medical center that is much farther away.  The far-away center has a regular women’s clinic waiting room and a waiting room for women’s specialty healthcare (which includes infertility, as well as other things).   Unfortunately, they no longer staff the specialty waiting room, so us infertiles have to stand in line with all the pregnant women.  And, because how much you pay depends on what insurance plan you have and what the doctor ends up doing, you have to stand in line once to check in, and then again after your appointment in order to pay.  There’s nothing more frustrating than coming back to that room after receiving not-so-good news, having to wait in line in a room full of pregnant people, and paying $80 to hear bad news while the pregnant woman in front of you paid $5 for her appointment, and then go to the pharmacy to wait another 20-30 minutes to pay hundreds of dollars for fertility medication.



On top of all of this, I feel like my health is really suffering.  I weigh more now than I ever have in my entire life.  My BMI is 25.3, which is officially overweight.  This fact is causing me to get depressed and then I eat more to cope.  I’m too tired to exercise most of the time, and I was warned against it by my doctors who said that with how large my ovaries would get, I could risk ovarian torsion.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  MY one little follicle is hardly in danger of causing any problems, so  I could have been exercising all this time.  Luckily, this will be our last round of IUIs, and I doubt we’ll be using my eggs going forward, so I can go back to exercising.  Of course, that will be harder since I will most likely be quitting the gym to save money, but I can make it happen.



IUI on Thursday morning.  My husband is going with me so we can file a grievance regarding the incorrect charting that led to the doctor refusing to increase the dose of medication.  We don’t want to pay for a flawed cycle, especially when I voiced my concerns and the doctor was a complete jerk about it. 

horrible, no good, very bad... doctor appointment

So yeah, that was my period starting on Friday.  I called the clinic and got an appointment for a baseline ultrasound on Sunday (aka yesterday).  I had light bleeding and no cramps both Friday and Saturday, which was odd, but I’ll take it.  The cramps started Sunday and continued into today, and now I probably know why.



I have another fibroid.  2 surgeries, 14 fibroids, and thousands of dollars later (plus a number of aggravating phone calls trying to get the billing correct, along with a threat of being sent to collections), and here we area again with another fibroid, just under 2 cm.  It is located within the wall of my uterus, and not impinging on the lining, so no need to remove it, but I’m guessing that is what’s causing the horrible cramps I have every cycle. 



And that wasn’t even the worst thing that happened at my appointment!  My husband, D, was still away at summer camp (I learned after he got back that the camp was for children with congenital hand deformities, and apparently my husband never went to summer camp as a kid, because he had a fantastic time and returned home filthy with a braided bracelet that he had made himself and a cape that was pre-made but he was still really proud of) so I had to go to the appointment by myself.  I had heard from friends who went to the same clinic that the doctor that I was going to see this time was not well-liked.  I can see why.



He started by telling me that I still have a 14.6mm follicle left over from last time that hadn’t reabsorbed yet.  I also (I think) had only 5 total new follicles.  5.  That is not a good number.  He told me I could start a new injectable cycle if I wanted, since the leftover follicle was not too big to prevent it, but that it would hurt and he didn’t want me to come back and blame him.   I tried asking multiple times if the follicle would cause problems with a medicated cycle, but all he would say was that he didn’t want me to blame him for anything if I went home and googled it, and that it was up to me if we continued.  I was like, I have no idea what you’re talking about, how am I supposed to make a decision without more information?  But after a LOT of prodding, he said that it wouldn’t cause any problems, and I am now too scared to google it.



Then he told me that since I had three dominant follicles last time, they wouldn’t increase my dosage.  I was stunned, since based on everything I was told, I had one dominant follicle last time, plus one that was a bit farther behind and hadn’t caught up as of the last ultrasound.  WTH???  I guess the doctor (who was actually a nurse practitioner) and the nurse who was recording everything had some communications issues, or there was another follicle that no one told me about in any of my visits.  I tried explaining this to the doctor, who pretty much accused me of lying in order to increase my meds.  He told me it would be really bad if I ended up with 5 or 10 dominant follicles.  I wanted to slap him and shout “I only have 5 follicles total!  How could I possibly end up with that many large follicles???”  I was pretty much crying by this time.



He informed me that a lot of patients didn’t like him because they only want to hear positive things, and he believed in telling the truth.  I felt more like he believed in giving as little information as possible so that no one could blame him for a bad outcome.  I wanted to hear the truth!  But I wanted to hear ALL of it so I could make an informed decision.



He didn’t talk at all about my tiny number of follicles, the shortness of my cycle, nothing.  I was not happy, but what can you do?  I’m going to be 37 next month, I don’t have a ton of time left, and I certainly don’t have a lot of eggs left.  So  I am currently on the same dose I was on last time.  My prescription-strength painkillers have damped the cramps enough for me to behave normally at work.  I am barreling along towards what I feel will be another failure, a lot more money down the drain.  We have decided this will probably be our last IUI cycle, and IVF using my eggs is probably off the table at this point.  How many viable embryos can we really expect to get with so few antral follicles?



So now I’m not sure what to do next (assuming this cycle doesn’t work, which I am assuming).  I think we will probably move on to either donated eggs or donated embryos.  Donated embryos are the cheapest option I’ve found so far.  If I could find a program that uses donated eggs and D’s sperm and doesn’t cost too much more, that would be the ideal course of action, but I don’t really know where else to look now.  I guess we have a bit of time to think about it.

Failure

Looks like my period is starting.  Three days early.  I guess that's not too bad in terms of luteal phase (right?), but I'm horribly sad.

Feeling better today

I survived my first night without D.  It didn't go too badly.  The dogs mostly behaved, the cats mostly behaved, I got to eat my favorite food that my husband doesn't like, and I watched something like 5 episodes of How I Met Your Mother.

Speaking of mothers, it was my mother's 75th birthday yesterday.  I called several times, and finally got through last night, only to listen to a barrage of complaints about her friends.  She explained that she ate lunch by herself (or maybe it was dinner?) at her favorite restaurant because her friends are mean and all made other plans, and I actually felt a little bit bad for her.  But listening to her, it made me realize that if she and her friends cared as much about each other as they did about themselves, they would all be much happier.  Instead of giving anyone the benefit of the doubt, they automatically assume that everyone else's actions are meant to hurt them, and then they retaliate.  They spend insane amounts of time being angry and not talking to each other.  Every time I talk to my mom, she's not talking to at least one of her friends.  I hope I'm never like them.

Ah, well.  My sister and I are taking my mom (along with my sister's family, but not D since he won't be home yet) to a new restaurant near my mom's house that I'm excited to try.  Should be fun as long as my mom keeps the complaining to a minimum.

Now that D is gone, I'm realizing how much I depend on him for certain things.  For instance, he's my alarm clock.  Realizing I was going to have to get up on my own this morning, I tried setting an alarm on my phone.  When I went to turn it on, instead of having a check box next to each day, the days were all listed in green.  when I touched a day, it turned white.  I assumed that meant it turned the alarm on for that day.  HAHAHAHA.  Apparently, the default was for the alarm to be on every day, so by changing it, I was turning it off.  Oopsies. I woke up 10 minutes before the alarm was supposed to go off, and decided to just stay in bed until it was time to get up.  15 minutes later, I realized my alarm wasn't going to go off at all and that was when I discovered my mistake.  Thank goodness I didn't accidentally sleep in, and now my alarm is hopefully set for tomorrow morning.  Whew.

Today is 10 days past my IUI.  Only a few more days to go before I will hopefully know something!  My boobs are super sore today.  It was actually hard to sleep on my stomach last night (one of my favorite sleeping positions) due to the soreness.  I hope this is a good sign.  No spotting so far either.  It's CD 21, although I guess it doesn't matter too much when you're controlling your own ovulation.

My anxiety is catching up with me

I let my husband's cat out yesterday morning, after which he told me that he wanted to keep the cat inside during the day.  He usually lets the cat out whenever the cat (whose name is Boss, which is a TERRIBLE name for a cat because it gives him serious delusions of grandeur) wants to go out, so I was surprised that he was upset.  Nevertheless, the cat was out of the bag (or the house, hahahahaha, I amuse myself so much), and we had to get to work and that was that.

Our neighbors have two cats that spend a lot of time outside, and my husband has observed Boss sitting on the corner with one or both of these cats, and possibly other neighborhood cats, in the mornings.  I've started calling it the Corner Cat Conclave, or the Corner Cat Coffee Klatch.  Boss is usually quite disagreeable with other cats, but he seems to be mellowing out in his old age, and their little get-togethers seem to be pretty tame.

Generally, after being outside for a while, Boss is desperate to get back in and have a little snack, so we were surprised to get home yesterday afternoon and Boss was nowhere to be found.  We checked our front courtyard multiple times, looked under the cars of all of our neighbors (not suspicious behavior AT ALL!), and walked down to the Corner Cat Conclave location periodically, calling his name, which made me feel ridiculous.  I also call him Bossy-Poo, which he loves and sound much more manly.  At this point, D was starting to freak out about where Boss could possibly be, since we haven't lived in our new town that long.  I imagined finding his broken body lying in the road somewhere.

After dinner, we went to run errands, and drove around the neighborhood a bit more, and when we got back, we walked around the corner to look a bit farther afield.  The neighbor's orange cat was lounging on their front porch.  Their Siamese cat was around the corner on someone else's front lawn.  I spotted the back end of another cat squeezed in between an RV and a hedge (I'm assuming his/her front end was in the hedge, but it was hard to tell), but no sign of Boss.  It has been so hot lately that a lot of neighbors have been leaving their garage doors open a bit to get air circulation through, and some of them even leave their garage doors completely open.  It seemed likely he had gone into another house.

Side note: My old neighborhood may have seemed nicer, what with all the nosy neighbors patrolling and enforcing arcane rules, and we lived in a court for heaven's sakes, but the garage door was left open one night right after my last surgery (and I totally blame Boss for it, due to his habit of waiting until the last second then darting under the closing garage door and causing it to reopen after D or I have gone into the house) and my extremely expensive road bike was stolen.  And it's not like it was out in the open - at that point, our exterior lights were out, so even seeing that the door was open was difficult, and the nice bike had a TON of stuff piled in front of it, so getting it out would have required some serious rearranging.  WHILE WE WERE HOME!  And sleeping just on the other side of the wall.

OK, so anyway, we walked around like idiots calling for Boss, noticed that at least one neighbor had a pet food bowl out on their front porch, figured Boss wasn't coming home because he'd been feasting at someone else's expense, and decided to head home and wait him out.  Of course, as soon as we turned around, we heard a sound and there he was, running down the sidewalk after us.  D picked him up and carried him home and decided he needs another collar with tags this time.  I wonder how long he'll wear this one before he takes it off and leaves it somewhere.

I also read in the comments on a blog yesterday about dogs with seizure disorders who actually have brain tumors, and now I'm freaked out about Lola.  She's been rubbing her face with her paws lately, and at first I was worried about foxtails, but now I'm worried about a tumor.  She does seem to have allergies or asthma, so it could be something like that too, or it could be nothing.  But after going four months without a seizure, she suddenly had three in the month of June, and it worried me.  A lot.

My husband thinks it's the stress of the TWW that's getting to me, and he's probably right.  What if I'm not pregnant and we have to start all over?  What do we do next?  What if I am pregnant?  How can we possibly take care of a baby???  What if something bad happens to it?  Lucky him, he's leaving today for the next five days, basically until the end of the TWW, and he'll be working the whole time, so at least he'll have a distraction.  I'll be home all by myself, with only my ever-increasing anxious thoughts to keep me company.

Halfway through the TWW (super long post! Huzzah!)

I don't know how people do this over and over.  The wait is killing me.

My husband leaves tomorrow morning to work at a camp for disabled kids for 5 days.  He's super excited to be doing something different for a few days, I'm kind of excited to have some time to myself. 

Last night, I went out with some friends.  It was really hard.  They're not people I know super well, but I like them a lot, since they're all close to my age and live in the same area as I do, plus most of them are super nice and really funny and I always have a good time when I hang out with them.  But, last night.  Ugh.

So I'll back up a bit.  When I was in high school, I had neighbors who lived down the street with one boy a year older than my sister and I, and another a year younger.  Since we didn't have a high school in our small town yet (they finally built one that opened the year after I graduated), we had to drive to the closest city for school.  There was a bus that came out there, but it had a LOT of area to cover so it took forever, and we were all in band, which started an hour earlier, which meant we couldn't take the bus anyway.  Because there were so many people who drove in from all over the area, this meant a few things: none of our parents wanted to get up that early to drive us that far, and there were so many people driving in that there wasn't enough parking for all the students.  So there was sort of an informal system of carpooling, and older kids usually drove their younger neighbors, with the younger neighbors taking over driving duties once they became old enough.  So we carpooled to school every day, and the older boy taught me how to drive a stick, and we were all like a family.  You know, like most people in band (you do know that right?  I can't be the only band nerd around)

ANYWAY!  The older of the neighbor's kids was a really good friend of mine, and we've kept in touch over the years, despite all of us moving all over the place for college, grad school, jobs, etc.  Well, a few years ago (probably more than a few actually), the older kid finally moved back to the area (with his fiance!) and settled down and we started hanging out and I became good friends with his fiance (now wife).  They started a family pretty quickly, she got super involved in the community and made a ton of friends with other mothers, and she ended up starting a book club and inviting me to join, even though I didn't have kids and everyone else did.

So I'm still in the book club and I'm still the only childless one, but seriously, everyone in the book club is so awesome I just love hanging out with them.  My sister and I have both invited a few friends to join over the years, and it has expanded to include some amazing women.

But last year, my friend and his wife moved away for a post-doctoral position on the east coast.  They actually left early in the morning after my wedding, so at least they made it to that, and then they were gone.  We've continued the book club without her, although she still joins in on our online discussions and we've Skyped with her a few times at meetings. 

And now she's visiting again!  Yay!  And she organized a dinner out last night!  Yay!  But some of the conversations really got to me, especially the two women who were complaining about how they got pregnant with their second children despite only having sex once during the prior month.  And there was SO MUCH COMPLAINING about children.  I think most of them are stay-at-home moms or have part-time jobs or seasonal jobs (like teaching), so they spend more time at home with the kids than most of the people I know in the rest of my life (who I know through work, so obviously, they don't stay at home with their kids).  It was hard to sit there and listen to that. 

OK, got that off my chest.  I'm now 8 days into the TWW, with 6 days to go.  I'm also on CD 19.5 (I started at night, I'm never sure how to count it when that happens).  My last few cycles have been around 22 days, with quite a bit of cramping and spotting in the 5 days or so before the cycle starts.  I know I took drugs this time that ensured a good uterine lining and actual ovulation, so things could be different, but the fact that I have no signs of an impending period are really encouraging.  My boobs have also been quite sore, especially at night.  I'm trying not to be too hopeful, but I so want this to be the month.  If this isn't the month...  Well, I'm planning some camping trips for August, and I should at least be able to go on the first one without injections causing problems.

We finally got our bill for surgery

I had surgery in January, and as you might recall, the doctor accidentally coded it as a laparoscopy instead of an operative hysteroscopy.  He told me himself at my follow-up that he had coded it wrong and that he would try to fix it, but he obviously wasn't successful since I got a bill for $3000 for a laparoscopy a few months later.  After several frustrating phone calls, including one in which the person to whom I was talking insisted that if I had surgery it must have been a laparoscopy, I finally got the revised bill yesterday, and it's only $500.  Thank goodness!!!

You may have noticed that I added a page documenting the costs of our infertility so far.  I can't believe we've spent so much to do so little.  Time to add the most recent bill...

One step forward, two steps back (warning: LOOOOONG post)

My mother is a difficult person.  I know I've said that before.  She turns 75 next week, and I'm sure she's expecting a huge party, but I just don't have it in me.  She called my sister last night (we'll call her S for clarity, and my mother will be M), and started out by telling S how awful all of M's children are (myself included), then informed S that M needed surgery for cataracts and that S would have to spend a day carting M around for it.  Obviously, my sister was less than thrilled (who starts a plea for help by telling the person you're asking how horrible they are?).  I told my sister that I would take a day off of work to go with her, but I'm not taking care of my mother by myself.  I'm in no condition to deal with my mother's crap right now.

Speaking of which, I obviously haven't told my mother about my infertility.  At all.  She doesn't know that I've had multiple surgeries for fibroids, that we've been trying to have a family for 20 months (21 months?), that we're having lots of problems.  She was, however, concerned that if I don't have children, she might lose the competition with her friends over who had the most grandchildren.  Luckily, my sister's pregnancy has relieved the pressure on me over that.  Considering her less than enthusiastic response when my husband and I told her that we were getting married, and her recently telling me that she liked me better when I was single, I doubt she'll be too excited for us if we do manage to get pregnant.  I would love to have a supportive mother who could support me through this, but I unfortunately did not win the mother lottery.

I was recently thinking about the costs of infertility, probably brought about by friends complaining about the costs of children.  I wonder if they would complain so much if they had to actually pay to get pregnant.  So far, my husband and I have paid just under $4,000 and we owe another $1,000-$3,000 for my last surgery, once the bill is finished being processed.  This includes lots of diagnostics, doctor's appointment, two fibroid surgeries, and one injectible IUI cycle, but no ovulation testing kits, pregnancy tests, vitamins, and the like.  In the grand scheme of things, it's not actually that much money, but who knows how much more we'll have to spend?

So as I embark on my TWW, I know that it will be a while before any symptoms will show.  But last night, man did I have sore boobs. I guess it could be from the trigger shot, right?  It's also insanely hot here, yesterday on the drive home our car said it was 111 outside, and at 9:30 last night it was around 84.  I was sweltering.  Today is supposed to be the last day over 100, I think.  I really hope.

I completely forgot that my husband is leaving next Wednesday for a children's camp at which he will be a counselor (I guess?) for children's hospital patients.  It's not that far away, but they're in need of male chaperones who can stay for the whole camp, and he gets paid for it, so he's doing it.  He'll be gone through Sunday, and chances are if this IUI didn't work, I will be getting my period sometime while he's gone.  I don't look forward to dealing with that by myself.

And on top of everything else, our dog had another seizure last night, the third one in the month of June.  We need to figure out a better plan to take care of her, as what we're doing right now is obviously not working, and it's really hard on us as well.  Hopefully we can get it figured out soon.

And the wait continues!

Beginning the TWW

So now I'm in the beginning of my first official TWW.  Crazy.

Let me back up a little.  I went in Saturday for the follow-up to my follicle sizing.  The follicle on the right had barely grown, and was around 13.5.  The left had surged ahead to 18.1, and my uterine lining was around 8.4 (I think, I should write these things down!).  So I was given the go-ahead to trigger that night at 10 pm.  We picked up the trigger shot and the sterile collection cup at the pharmacy and headed home, ecstatic that we were almost done with this cycle.

I'm a little sad that we likely only had one mature egg, but one is better than none.  We did the trigger shot at 10 pm.  I didn't feel the shot at all, but boy was my belly tender afterwards.  It was still sore yesterday, but this morning it seems fine.

Obviously, I had the actual insemination yesterday morning.  It was more painful than I thought it would be.  I was told that it would be easier than the HSG, but it wasn't, probably because the HSG involved injecting liquid into my uterine cavity, and the insemination was done using a catheter, which is a bit more sturdy.  My uterus is retroverted, and my back was killing me during and after the procedure, to the point that I turned on the heated seat in the car for the drive home, even though it was over 100 degrees yesterday. 

Another effect of the trigger shot was that it made me awfully lethargic.  I spent a lot of Sunday just laying around, and had no energy at all.  Yesterday, I had plans to get a LOT done, and I spent several hours just lying on the couch, although I'm sure the heat had something to do with it too.  My abdomen felt rather full and ever-so-slightly painful, sort of like a mild period or bad gas (really, more like bad gas than anything else).  And I felt a bit light-headed.  Today, I'm feeling much, much better, but still tired.

The heat is killing me, though.  It's only getting down into the upper 60s at night, so sleeping has been terrible.  I've never used AC so much in my life.  Today is forecast to be 110, and tomorrow will be 109, they say.  Due to the insemination, I couldn't jump in the pool yesterday, but I have every intention to get in today.  I'd love to swim laps, but I may not have the energy.  I went to the gym yesterday, but I was so exhausted and worried about jarring my innards that I didn't get a great workout.

The next two weeks are going to be hard, but I'm keeping my spirits up and trying hard not to get too anxious about everything. 

insemination time!

I'm sitting in the waiting room while they prepare my husband's sample.  I can't believe the day is here! Traffic was horrendous on the way here.  My appointment wasn't until 8:20, and i normally get to work at 7:15 or earlier, so i was really in the thick of rush hour traffic.  On top of that, i got stuck behind a convoy of trucks delivering rides to the state fair, which will be starting in a week or two.  It was surreal driving along with my husband's little guys safely tucked inside my shirt, following truck after truck loaded up with brightly colored pieces of carnival rides and an entire ticket booth.

i had a dream last night that we'd done the insemination but I'd forgotten to stay lying down for 10 minutes afterward and i had immediately rushed off to an amusement park.  Sort of a weird dream, makes me wonder if the cats were playing on the bed or something.

 I'm not only relieved to finally be doing something, I'm happy to not have to do anymore injections for at least two weeks.  That trigger shot was painful.   Wish me luck!

Fantabulous news!

I had my follicle sizing about an hour and a half ago.  My lining was 7.4, which was good.  And I had 2.5 follicles that were quite large!  My right ovary had one that was 12.6 (I think, I didn't write down exact measurements).  My left had one that was 13.9 and another that was 6.5 (hence the 2.5 follicles).  I don't hold out a ton of hope for the little 6.5, which is fine since I have 2 great follicles!!!  The doctor said I was responding really well to the medication.  I go back Saturday morning for a re-check, with a possibility of triggering Saturday night.

I actually have hope that this might work, which is kind of scary.  I've never had hope for a pregnancy before, and so I was never that upset when it didn't happen.  I expected to get my period every month.  Now I have hope, and that hope could be crushed so easily.  But even if this cycle ends with a BFN, at the very least I'll know that my body responds well to the meds and I can make at least 2 follicles, so IVF may not be a complete waste of time if that's where we end up.

Follicle Sizing tomorrow

I can't wait to see what's happening down there!  I realize it could be bad news.  My little follicles could still be little, or we could have a few nice-sized ones (I'm hoping for two good ones, that's all I ask), but either way, at least we'd know something, which is more than what we've known the last 19 months. 

My husband did a horrible job of injecting on Monday night.  It really hurt.  My husband said he could feel the medication going in.  I think he felt really bad, especially since he pinched my skin to get the needle in and then forgot to let go.  It was sore all day yesterday if I even touched it, like when I put something into my jacket pocket.  Last night went much more smoothly, and I barely even felt it.  D is getting so much better at mixing the meds and doing the injections.

OK, one non-IF paragraph: Our dogs are finally settling down a bit.  There were so many times I was ready to just bring them back to the shelter due to their behavior.  The only dog I'd ever had before was when I was young, and we got him when he was 3, so well past the puppy stage.  I had no idea puppies could be SO destructive and irritating, and while they're still a little destructive and irritating, they're also sweet and charming.  They love everyone, and they're turning into great dogs.

It's happening so fast

I went in for my baseline ultrasound on Friday.  Apparently, everything looked good because we were told to start injections that evening!  OMG!!!  I had four follicles on the right, and three or four on the left.  Not a lot, I know.  It makes me very concerned about IVF (also, I can't seem to stop talking about this cycle as if it's just a diagnostic cycle, instead of an actual infertility treatment cycle that could really work!  There's no reason why it can't work!) since that's such a tiny number of follicles to start out with.  Anyway, I'm trying to remind myself constantly that this cycle could end up with a positive outcome, and to stop saying "we're probably going to have to move on to donor embryos after this".

So, injections.  I am terrified of needles.  My husband really, really doesn't get it.  He is not scared of needles.  He can't understand why I am.  He also REALLY sucks at following directions, probably because he never even reads them.  After I picked up the medications on Friday, I ran a TON of errands, and started prepping for our housewarming party Saturday.  Then, after my husband got home, I read through all of the instructions for the meds, just to have a little refresher.  My husband did not.  It came time to mix the medications, and it was soooo hard not to remind him how to do everything (for example, hold the syringe with the pointy side down when pushing meds/saline out, turn it upside down when drawing the mixture back in to avoid air getting in).  Reminding him to wash his hands.  Reminding him where the injection site was supposed to be.  Reminding him to get the extra air out of the syringe before sticking me with it.  Telling him to get his finger off the damn plunger before he stuck me with the needle.  Telling him to put the needle cap back on BEFORE dumping it in the sharps container.  He got upset with me for getting upset with him.  So yeah, that went well.

So I picked up 12 vials of meds at the pharmacy.  They come in boxes of five, so I got two boxes, plus two loose vials.  I never really looked at the vials before, but I had been told that the meds are powder, which will dissolve quickly in the saline.  So I didn't notice that the first vial we pulled out was empty.  I looked for the meds, figured it was just a small amount of powder, and didn't think about about it until we pulled out the second vial and it was half full of powder.  We had already punctured the first one, so I had no way to prove that it was already empty, but the pharmacy was nice and took it back and exchanged it for a full one, so I have enough to make it to my next appointment.  Whew.

But really, it's hard to believe we're actually doing something.  Finally!  After 19 months of trying (something like 22 cycles, I think), two surgeries, watching my AMH levels fall from 1.35 to 0.4, and waiting through cysts, we're taking the first steps.  Amazing!

CD 1

Today it starts.  What this means: I just had a 19-day cycle, which is just insanely short.  It means I go in tomorrow for my baseline ultrasound.  It means, assuming everything is ok, I start injections on Saturday, the day of my housewarming party.  What fun!

My husband was a complete jerk about it this morning.  I mentioned that I would be calling the clinic and would try to schedule an appointment.  I also told him that I was worried that most of my cycles lately have been too short.  He then told me that I needed to stop being so nervous and that all of this was no big deal.  I explained to him that, since he hasn't gone to most of my appointments, he wouldn't know that I had been told that shorter cycles was a sign of impending menopause.  He scoffed at me, telling me that was impossible since I'm so young, and I told him age didn't matter, you start menopause when you run out of eggs, and I'm running out of eggs really quickly.  So then I accused him of not being supportive, and he vehemently disagreed.  I'm starting to get pretty angry about his attitude.  I don't feel like I'm asking too much, honestly.

I'm feeling quite apprehensive about my professional life as well.  I didn't get the promotion I applied for.  It's not a terrible thing, and I suspect I didn't get it because they didn't want to do another round of hiring to fill my old position.  I was recently "transferred" from one position to a different position within my branch at work, and they haven't filled my previous position as it is, which means I'm covering two positions now.  I don't think they wanted me to move onto a third so quickly, even though the first transfer was involuntary.  While my job isn't all that bad, and it certainly helps pay the bills, it really isn't what I want to be doing.  Not getting the promotion is making me question why I'm staying, but the truth is I've stayed here so long because I have no idea what else to do.  My previous occupation is far too volatile for someone who is the primary breadwinner in the family.  I wasn't good enough at it to rely on it for a decent income, plus my current health issues would make it really difficult.  I would love to go back to school to study computer science or physical science, but I'm still paying loans for the degree I already have (which I don't even use).

Transportation is a problem

I realized today that not only do I need a plan for getting from the clinic to work after monitoring appointments, I will also probably need a plan to get TO the clinic from work for my first monitoring appointment, since I likely won't be able to schedule it ahead of time.  I started doing some research, and I realized that our city no longer does bus transfers.  Since there isn't a bus that goes directly to the clinic from my work, I would have to pay two fares.  Each way.  Each fare is $2.50.  That's insane!  If I knew ahead of time that I would need to take 4 buses in one day, I could probably buy a $6 daily pass, but I'm not sure where to buy those passes.  Obviously, working downtown next to the capital building has its perks (lots of great restaurants!  shopping!  parks!  etc, etc) but the transportation situation is far from ideal.

I'm also seriously irritated with the radiology department.  It turns out the most likely day that I would need to go in for an HSG is Friday, July 3.  Our department only does them on Fridays, and they only have 8 spots, so you have to reserve as early as possible, which is really, really hard when your cycle is irregular.  Turns out, radiology is closed on the 3rd for Independence Day, and the following week will likely be too late.  If my period starts in the next two days (which it might), I could possibly get my HSG next week, but of course the spots have probably been filled for weeks already.  So I would have to wait another month AGAIN.  Obviously, we're just skipping the HSG at this point, because this is getting ridiculous.

Good news for the day

Yesterday was my injection training, and it went pretty well.  I mean, as well as it could go, considering it involves jabbing needles into my abdomen.  I'm not looking forward to actually doing it.  I'm also not looking forward to monitoring appointments, mostly due to transportation logistics.  All monitoring appointments are in the morning, which is great, but then I would have to get to work.  Somehow.  My husband can drop me off before my appointments (hopefully with a minimum of grumbling about it), and then I'd be on my own.  It's a 5-mile bike ride to work (totally doable, but with the added difficulty of having to bring the bike in/on the car, as our bike rack is difficult) or I can take two different buses, which will take approximately 40 minutes, not including time waiting for the bus.  Which actually isn't THAT much less time that it would take me to bike, and biking has the added benefit of me getting more exercise.  I will have to think about this, and talk it over with my husband, who I anticipate will be grouchy about the whole thing.  I think my period will start Sunday or sometime next week, so at the point we'll have to figure it all out.  I've already had a bit of spotting and it's only D 18.  Which makes sense, I guess. 

Speaking of exercise (which we were, right?), I've FINALLY started a serious exercise program.  Sort of.  In two weeks, I'm switching back to a regular schedule at work, meaning I will work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day.  Right now, I work 9 hours a day and take one day off every other week, which was great in theory, but I never had enough time during the day to do what needed to be done.  Like exercise.  With my 8-hour days, I will start working at 7:15 (That's right!  Way earlier than I EVER want to be anywhere), having been dropped off by my sweetie-pie.  I'll have a half hour lunch and be done at 3:45, at which point I will go to the gym and work out and take the 5:40 bus home, or I will take the 4:10 bus home and exercise at home.

So far, I've been walking a lot and taking the stairs to the 6th floor multiple times a day.  Sunday morning, my husband and I biked to the next town (17 miles round trip) and in the afternoon we swam a bit, but not laps, just recreational swimming.  Yesterday morning I ran half a mile, then did a bunch of gardening, and then after my injection training I went to the gym, rock-climbed for about 45 minutes, and did 15 minutes on the rowing machine at a medium intensity.  My core was burning after 10 minutes, but I pushed through.

Ha!  I hit publish and forgot to mention the good news I was talking about.  My sweet kitty Max went in for his annual check-up and they did what they call a "senior screen".  Last year he was diagnosed with stage 1 kidney failure and I was so, so worried that things had gotten worse.  This is a new vet, and despite attempts by myself and the new vet receptionist, we couldn't get the old vet to send over his records - they said they would, and nothing ever came.  Anyway, his test results came back yesterday and everything was normal!  No kidney failure.  The vet said his lab results last year could have been the result of dehydration.  So I've been spending a fortune on a special diet and forcing him to eat it, even though he didn't want to, for no reason whatsoever.  But that doesn't matter, my sweet baby is ok!  Even if he is 14.  Here's a picture of how much I love him:

It's Friday

It's going to be over 100 here, but at least it's Friday!  And we have a swimming pool if the heat gets to be too much.

I realized recently that a lot of the reading and commenting I've done on other infertility sites was using my old wordpress log-in, from a blog from before I was so wrapped up in my own infertility and the most important thing on my mind was fixing up my house.  I'm still interested in fixing up my house (I am, by training anyway, an architect, and I really love working on houses), but since then we've sold my house and bought a new one together, one that is big enough to hold the family we hope to have.  Yesterday, I figured out how to follow other people's blogs (I think - I'm still unsure of how all that works, exactly).  So hopefully that will help me to interact with other blogs a bit more.  I'm not THAT old but sometimes I feel like cursing all this newfangled tech stuff.

My husband has decided to come with me to injection training Monday.  I think he's realizing how freaked out I am by all of this.  I'm not sure if he realizes that I'm not just freaked out by needles (which I am, despite the fact that I have 10 piercings, mostly in my ears) but also by the hormones.  I'm generally a healthy person.  I don't eat meat, I try to eat mostly organic, I almost never eat fast food, I don't drink soda, I eat lots and lots of fruits and veggies, and I attempt to exercise.  I try my hardest not to eat or drink anything with random weird chemicals, and I limit processed food as much as I can.  I do drink wine and beer, but no one is perfect.  I'm just not that excited about injecting a bunch of hormones into my body all at once.

I stepped on the scale

I'm not sure if it was a mistake or not.  I'm super depressed by how much I weigh, but now that I know what the number is, I'm also inspired to begin losing weight immediately.  As in, yesterday I went to the gym and really worked out.  I'm sore today, but in a good way.  I'm hoping I can keep this up, lose at least 20 pounds, and get healthy again.

So I mentioned that my injection training is on Monday.  Unfortunately, my husband is probably not going with me.  Wanna know why?  He tried planning a motorcycle trip with his brothers for the end of the month.  They both said no, which doesn't surprise me at all, so now he's decided to go by himself.  I really, really want him to do social things and pursue his passions, but I'm really irritated by this for two reasons:

1) He basically has no vacation time left, which means we can never do anything together that involves time off of work, like going on a real vacation.  He keeps using his time off for things like staying home to wait for the internet guy on a weekday instead of waiting for a weekend, because he couldn't go three more days without netflix.  So going to injection training with me is impossible, and it's possible he may have to take some time off WITHOUT PAY to go to this stupid motorcycle event.  By himself.  While I stay home and take care of the house and animals, after learning to inject myself with needles so I can carry his baby.

2) Now that we're married, we have 5 pets, we're trying to have a baby, and we have a new house that's far from everything, I never get to do anything I enjoy anymore.  I never go to the gym, go rock-climbing, hiking, camping, see my friends, go out for music or drinks or ANYTHING.  He keeps telling me that I can do these things, but living so far from everything means transportation is a real problem.  I either have to take public transportation, which doesn't run late enough for me to do anything after work, or I'm dependent on him to drive me, since I don't have anywhere to park near my office.  Trying to get him to do anything outdoors on the weekends is like pulling teeth.  I was so excited when I met him because it seemed like he liked to do all of the outdoorsy things that I like, but we've gone camping twice, and hiking maybe twice in the last two years.  I'm getting really disillusioned.

Honestly, I worry that having a baby will make me even more isolated.  And the whole trying to have a baby thing is making me cranky ALL THE TIME.  I know I'm the woman and all, but I'm also the primary breadwinner and I take care of all of the things that keep our lives running, like paying bills, and grocery shopping and budgeting and whatnot.  I know that I have to do most of the work in dealing with infertility, but I'm feeling like I have no support.  I think he's only been to one doctor's appointment with me.  He was only there for one of my surgeries, because (surprise!) he didn't have enough time off to be there for the second one.  I just feel really unsupported.  Am I asking for too much?

Mondays. Ugh.

My husband's cat got into a fight on Friday, and we didn't notice until late Friday night.  His ear and the area behind it were torn up.  He was missing a ton of fur, and there was a lot of blood involved.  So he had an emergency trip to the vet Saturday morning, he's been on medication, and he needs to stay inside for two weeks.  He was pretty doped up from all the medication, so he didn't really notice until last night that he's confined to the house.  Combined with the extreme heat (100 degrees outside, 90 degrees inside until we turned on the AC), the situation caused him to spend the night wandering the house, yowling.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep well, which really sucks since I have an interview this afternoon.  I won't mind too much if I don't get the job, since it's not THAT much better than the job I have right now, but a little pay bump would be nice.  And it comes with a corner cube with a great view.

I bought new pants for the interview, and for work in general.  It's gotten to the point where I can't fit into my pants anymore. I try to eat healthfully, but with a full-time job, a commute, a new house, a husband that doesn't always like to pitch in, and 5 pets, I'm overwhelmed.  On top of that, I have no time for exercising (I used to exercise every day).  In addition to the weight gain, my joints are starting to feel old and creaky, and my muscles have atrophied.  I'm getting tired of people telling me I look fine, though.  I obviously don't.  What's happening to me right now is NOT healthy.  I'm hoping once our house is a bit more settled (and we're getting closer all the time!), I'll have time to exercise more.

My husband and I have decided to DTD (do the deed, one of the few baby-making euphemisms that doesn't bother me) every other day until I'm pretty sure I've ovulated.  We've decided not to do ovulation testing anymore, since it just makes me cranky.  I have injection training next Monday.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I'm terrified of needles.  I've gotten used to having blood drawn and getting shots, but I can't watch it being done, and I'm grateful that it's not too frequent of an occurrence.  But the thought of having to give myself shots, which I imagine would require me actually looking, and doing them every day if not multiple times a day is horrifying to me.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can get pregnant naturally this month.