Well, my HSG went well! Although that's not what I'm worried about at all. I had to drive out to a nearby city to have it done, because the local clinic was completely booked. My husband has been putting off his one-year checkup after breaking his leg last year, so I pressured him into scheduling an appointment at the same time, since his doctor moved out to the clinic in the other city and I wasn't sure I'd be up to driving myself home after the HSG. He managed to get an appointment, so the timing worked perfectly.
I was extremely worried about the HSG after reading other women's posts. I had an endometrial biopsy four years ago that left me crying for an hour afterwards and completely unable to get myself home, with no warning beforehand from the doctor's office about how painful and difficult it would be. When I was told to take four ibuprofen an hour before the HSG, I figured it must be worse than the biopsy. The good news is that my uterus looks fine (other than a small fibroid, which I already knew about) and my tubes are open. So I suppose as long as I have viable eggs and my husband has good healthy swimmers (keeping my fingers crossed) I should be able to get pregnant. Theoretically. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Waiting
In general I can be a patient person, but I really hate not knowing things. So all of this testing is beginning to drive me crazy. The nice thing about Kaiser is that I can see my test results pretty quickly after I have blood drawn or a urine sample taken, but I have no idea when I'm going to actually talk to someone about what all of these tests MEAN. My best interpretation right now is that my FSH number isn't very good, but I have no idea what that entails for our chances of a successful pregnancy. Tomorrow I go in for my HSG and who knows when I'll find out the results for that. Or when I get to schedule an appointment to talk to a real person (preferably a doctor or nurse practitioner!).
In the meantime, my husband D has been really supportive. I try explaining to him about what I've read, and he encourages me to be more hopeful. He assures me that if we can't have kids, we can still do plenty of things and have full lives (his exact statement was if we can't have kids, we can get a motorcycle trailer. Very supportive!). I'm a little shocked by his attitude, since he's the only one who has ever brought up the subject of kids in the first place, and it was his idea to start trying before we even got engaged. It's heartening to know that he won't be completely disappointed if we end up not being able to procreate.
In the meantime, I'm trying to be as healthy as possible. I ride my bike to work almost every day, I'm trying to take walks on my break and take the stairs instead of the elevator (which is difficult with a messed-up ankle, but I do it when I can), and I'm eating more frutis and vegetables and a lot less junk food. I'm also making mochas at home instead of going to coffee shops, both to be healthier and to save money. (As an aside, where in the world do all of those calories in a frappucino come from if the drink is half ice??? My at-home mochas have about 100 calories for a grande size...)
I knew I needed to do something about my weight when an old ankle injury started flaring up last summer, and the orthopedic surgeon said there wasn't anything he could do, but he suggested I could lose weight to help my ankle pain. When I went in for my annual exam a month later, my NP told me she didn't want me to gain any more weight, the first time she's ever said anything negative about my health. Guess what? I didn't listen. My current BMI is 23.3, down from a high of 24.7 in January, but way above my old (non-teenager) low of 21.1, which is where I'd like to be by the end of the year (it seems easier to talk in terms of BMI instead of weight, even though I know it's not always scientifically meaningful. But I'm a pretty average-boned person, and not a weightlifter or anything, so I think it'll make sense). Assuming I'm able to one day get pregnant, I'd like to start that pregnancy as healthy as I can be.
Here's hoping the HSG is not as painful as I'm expecting it to be.
In the meantime, my husband D has been really supportive. I try explaining to him about what I've read, and he encourages me to be more hopeful. He assures me that if we can't have kids, we can still do plenty of things and have full lives (his exact statement was if we can't have kids, we can get a motorcycle trailer. Very supportive!). I'm a little shocked by his attitude, since he's the only one who has ever brought up the subject of kids in the first place, and it was his idea to start trying before we even got engaged. It's heartening to know that he won't be completely disappointed if we end up not being able to procreate.
In the meantime, I'm trying to be as healthy as possible. I ride my bike to work almost every day, I'm trying to take walks on my break and take the stairs instead of the elevator (which is difficult with a messed-up ankle, but I do it when I can), and I'm eating more frutis and vegetables and a lot less junk food. I'm also making mochas at home instead of going to coffee shops, both to be healthier and to save money. (As an aside, where in the world do all of those calories in a frappucino come from if the drink is half ice??? My at-home mochas have about 100 calories for a grande size...)
I knew I needed to do something about my weight when an old ankle injury started flaring up last summer, and the orthopedic surgeon said there wasn't anything he could do, but he suggested I could lose weight to help my ankle pain. When I went in for my annual exam a month later, my NP told me she didn't want me to gain any more weight, the first time she's ever said anything negative about my health. Guess what? I didn't listen. My current BMI is 23.3, down from a high of 24.7 in January, but way above my old (non-teenager) low of 21.1, which is where I'd like to be by the end of the year (it seems easier to talk in terms of BMI instead of weight, even though I know it's not always scientifically meaningful. But I'm a pretty average-boned person, and not a weightlifter or anything, so I think it'll make sense). Assuming I'm able to one day get pregnant, I'd like to start that pregnancy as healthy as I can be.
Here's hoping the HSG is not as painful as I'm expecting it to be.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Looking back
I recently re-read my posts from 2011 and earlier. I'm a little shocked to realize that I was dealing with very obvious depression, and I didn't recognize it at the time. And it's REALLY obvious.
In case you couldn't tell, that's not the case anymore. A lot of things happened that precipitated the change, but the two big ones were my mother having serious mental issues and taking it out on me, and the suicide of a friend. I quickly realized that my problems were spinning out of control and I got myself to a therapist who helped me work through some (but not all) of what was going on with me. Not long after that, I met my husband and it seemed like things were going to be happily-ever-after.
Fro a long time I really didn't want kids. I enjoyed doing things - rock-climbing, snowboarding, hiking, backpacking, traveling - and it seemed like kids would just get in the way. Then my sister had some kids, and I realized how much I loved them and how much I would enjoy being a mother as well. When I met my husband, he really wanted kids, and I wanted to be able to have those kids.
I haven't even talked to the doctor yet, and even if I'm interpreting the test results correctly (and I'm pretty sure I am), I know it's not a complete no-go, just a smaller chance. Considering I spent my first 33 years sure that I wouldn't have children, and being fine with that, it seems strange to be upset now that I may not be able to have children, but I was beginning to envision that life for myself, and it was starting to seem great.
In case you couldn't tell, that's not the case anymore. A lot of things happened that precipitated the change, but the two big ones were my mother having serious mental issues and taking it out on me, and the suicide of a friend. I quickly realized that my problems were spinning out of control and I got myself to a therapist who helped me work through some (but not all) of what was going on with me. Not long after that, I met my husband and it seemed like things were going to be happily-ever-after.
Fro a long time I really didn't want kids. I enjoyed doing things - rock-climbing, snowboarding, hiking, backpacking, traveling - and it seemed like kids would just get in the way. Then my sister had some kids, and I realized how much I loved them and how much I would enjoy being a mother as well. When I met my husband, he really wanted kids, and I wanted to be able to have those kids.
I haven't even talked to the doctor yet, and even if I'm interpreting the test results correctly (and I'm pretty sure I am), I know it's not a complete no-go, just a smaller chance. Considering I spent my first 33 years sure that I wouldn't have children, and being fine with that, it seems strange to be upset now that I may not be able to have children, but I was beginning to envision that life for myself, and it was starting to seem great.
Monday, August 4, 2014
It's been a long, long time
More than three and a half years. A lot can happen in that span of time. In late October of 2012 I met an amazing guy (in the interest of privacy, I shall call him D). We went on our first date in late November 2012, and in December of 2013 he proposed. We were married in June and have been incredibly happy.
Back in November, we started trying to have a baby. I was (and still am, for at least a little while longer) 35 years old, and we didn't want to wait too long considering the limitations of age. Fast forward to now, and we're newlyweds who haven't succeeded at all in the procreation department.
Last week we began the testing process to figure out our next steps, and things aren't looking great. I never thought I would care about not having children, but now that I probably can't have them, I have to say I'm a little upset.
Actually, I think that's all I can write at the moment. I'm more upset than I realized.
Back in November, we started trying to have a baby. I was (and still am, for at least a little while longer) 35 years old, and we didn't want to wait too long considering the limitations of age. Fast forward to now, and we're newlyweds who haven't succeeded at all in the procreation department.
Last week we began the testing process to figure out our next steps, and things aren't looking great. I never thought I would care about not having children, but now that I probably can't have them, I have to say I'm a little upset.
Actually, I think that's all I can write at the moment. I'm more upset than I realized.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
It's official
There are no single men left in my age group. I was busy going to graduate school, getting my professional license, and starting a career while everyone else was pairing off. Now I've lost my career, I'm drowning in debt from school, and I'm all alone without a hope in the world of finding an appropriate partner. I went on two dates last year. TWO. Which was actually better than the year before, and the year before that. And in the last ten years, I've had three relationships. The longest was four months. It was with a guy who was wrong for me in every possible way, but I was so scared of ending up alone, I didn't care. And now that I've decided to only date guys who are right for me, it turns out that they're all gone.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. But I also don't want to spend it hoping that I might meet someone someday and being constantly let down. It's very depressing.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. But I also don't want to spend it hoping that I might meet someone someday and being constantly let down. It's very depressing.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Mondays. Sigh.
The most important thing I learned at work today is that I'm not just another cog in the machine, I'm the least important cog in the machine. I don't matter at all.
Hopefully I'll feel better after running this afternoon. I remembered my MP3 player today (yay!) so I'll have something to occupy myself with while I run.
This new year of being a perfect person isn't going so well. The house is much messier than I would like, although the bills are getting paid and I'm doing a good job sticking to my eating plan. I haven't weighed myself since Thursday, when I'd lost a half pound after a week of dieting. I'm supposed to have lost at least one pound by today. I hope that's the case.
Hopefully I'll feel better after running this afternoon. I remembered my MP3 player today (yay!) so I'll have something to occupy myself with while I run.
This new year of being a perfect person isn't going so well. The house is much messier than I would like, although the bills are getting paid and I'm doing a good job sticking to my eating plan. I haven't weighed myself since Thursday, when I'd lost a half pound after a week of dieting. I'm supposed to have lost at least one pound by today. I hope that's the case.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Feeling kind of sorry for myself
So I have had an interesting time recently. It seems like I almost never meet anyone who I’m interested in dating, and I certainly never meet anyone who’s interested in dating me (unless, of course, they are completely and totally wrong for me in every possible way, as well as being entirely unattractive). And on the rare occasions that I DO meet someone I’m interested, they’re either
a) already taken
b) not in my age range (which is steadily getting bigger in both directions)
c) not at all interested
d) all of the above
Usually it’s d. And it’s absolutely always c. ALWAYS. I was driving to work yesterday, listening to NPR as usual. Now, I was already in a bad mood because I had tried to bike to work, got about a quarter of the way there, realized the bike trail was under several feet of water, and had to rush back to my house, repack all of my stuff, and then drive to work. Which meant I got stuck in traffic since I was leaving kind of late at that point. But anyway, there I was, trying to keep my cursing to a minimum, when The Perspective came on. It was a woman talking about how her family has pizza Fridays, and all the things her kids and husband do etc, etc. And how when she was younger (and I’m assuming by that, she meant younger than I am now, because I’m not really a spring chicken anymore), she never thought that she would be happy sitting around at home on a Friday night making pizza, but it was the only place in the world she wanted to be. I almost started crying.
Now, it’s not that I want that picture of domestic bliss. I’m not really sure that I want kids at all. But I do want to have some family. I feel rather adrift in the world. And what I would love more than anything is a partner to share it all with. I just read another bog, where a woman was describing how she got to where she was. There was a lot of talk about how she just started a relationship here, and started another one there. As if starting a relationship is just something you decide to do one day, and you set out and just do it, just like going to the grocery store or making your bed. To me, starting a relationship is like climbing Everest. The attempts are few and far between, they take a ridiculous amount of work and luck to get off the ground, and then most of them fail.
Yesterday, as I was running on the treadmill at the gym (because I have this somewhat insane belief that if only I was a size 6 instead of a size 8, then I would be able to start relationships as easily as everyone else seems to be able to), a song came on. “I thought love was only true in fairy-tales, made for someone else but not for me.” After all of these years, I still think that.
a) already taken
b) not in my age range (which is steadily getting bigger in both directions)
c) not at all interested
d) all of the above
Usually it’s d. And it’s absolutely always c. ALWAYS. I was driving to work yesterday, listening to NPR as usual. Now, I was already in a bad mood because I had tried to bike to work, got about a quarter of the way there, realized the bike trail was under several feet of water, and had to rush back to my house, repack all of my stuff, and then drive to work. Which meant I got stuck in traffic since I was leaving kind of late at that point. But anyway, there I was, trying to keep my cursing to a minimum, when The Perspective came on. It was a woman talking about how her family has pizza Fridays, and all the things her kids and husband do etc, etc. And how when she was younger (and I’m assuming by that, she meant younger than I am now, because I’m not really a spring chicken anymore), she never thought that she would be happy sitting around at home on a Friday night making pizza, but it was the only place in the world she wanted to be. I almost started crying.
Now, it’s not that I want that picture of domestic bliss. I’m not really sure that I want kids at all. But I do want to have some family. I feel rather adrift in the world. And what I would love more than anything is a partner to share it all with. I just read another bog, where a woman was describing how she got to where she was. There was a lot of talk about how she just started a relationship here, and started another one there. As if starting a relationship is just something you decide to do one day, and you set out and just do it, just like going to the grocery store or making your bed. To me, starting a relationship is like climbing Everest. The attempts are few and far between, they take a ridiculous amount of work and luck to get off the ground, and then most of them fail.
And it’s not even that I necessarily want the perfect American dream life. But I’ve pretty much destroyed all of my other options by going to grad school. I’m up to my eyeballs in unsecured debt, and the only way to get rid of it is to pay it off (which I’m in no position to do) or to die (which isn’t my first choice). It wouldn’t be so bad if I had the career of my dreams and was happy in it, but I’m not even USING my education. It was all a waste. And now I can’t run off to volunteer in third-world countries, or teach English abroad, or be a ski bum and work seasonal jobs in amazing places, or anything else of the sort. Nope, I’m settled down in a quasi-suburban area, with my little house, and I go to a job every day that I don’t really care for, just so I can spend the next 20 years paying off this debt so I can be FREE. And the only option left to me in my quest to be happy is to try to find someone to be happy with, although, like everything else, I seem to be failing at that too.
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