I'm currently tracking my ovulation using an OPK. Well, I would be tracking it if it actually happened. Today is CD 18. I haven't tested yet today, but it hasn't happened yet, and I'm really hoping today is the day.
I'm beginning to suspect that I might have low progesterone. Unfortunately, I can't talk to anyone about any of this until my husband does his test, and for some reason he isn't making it a very high priority. I realize going to the lab takes time and effort, but I've done it SO MANY TIMES lately I'm having a hard time feeling any sympathy for him. We both work full time - why is it so hard for him?
Keeping my fingers crossed that we can get everything done and get in for an appointment soon... also, that I get a positive OPK today.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Monday, August 11, 2014
HSG
Well, my HSG went well! Although that's not what I'm worried about at all. I had to drive out to a nearby city to have it done, because the local clinic was completely booked. My husband has been putting off his one-year checkup after breaking his leg last year, so I pressured him into scheduling an appointment at the same time, since his doctor moved out to the clinic in the other city and I wasn't sure I'd be up to driving myself home after the HSG. He managed to get an appointment, so the timing worked perfectly.
I was extremely worried about the HSG after reading other women's posts. I had an endometrial biopsy four years ago that left me crying for an hour afterwards and completely unable to get myself home, with no warning beforehand from the doctor's office about how painful and difficult it would be. When I was told to take four ibuprofen an hour before the HSG, I figured it must be worse than the biopsy. The good news is that my uterus looks fine (other than a small fibroid, which I already knew about) and my tubes are open. So I suppose as long as I have viable eggs and my husband has good healthy swimmers (keeping my fingers crossed) I should be able to get pregnant. Theoretically. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I was extremely worried about the HSG after reading other women's posts. I had an endometrial biopsy four years ago that left me crying for an hour afterwards and completely unable to get myself home, with no warning beforehand from the doctor's office about how painful and difficult it would be. When I was told to take four ibuprofen an hour before the HSG, I figured it must be worse than the biopsy. The good news is that my uterus looks fine (other than a small fibroid, which I already knew about) and my tubes are open. So I suppose as long as I have viable eggs and my husband has good healthy swimmers (keeping my fingers crossed) I should be able to get pregnant. Theoretically. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Waiting
In general I can be a patient person, but I really hate not knowing things. So all of this testing is beginning to drive me crazy. The nice thing about Kaiser is that I can see my test results pretty quickly after I have blood drawn or a urine sample taken, but I have no idea when I'm going to actually talk to someone about what all of these tests MEAN. My best interpretation right now is that my FSH number isn't very good, but I have no idea what that entails for our chances of a successful pregnancy. Tomorrow I go in for my HSG and who knows when I'll find out the results for that. Or when I get to schedule an appointment to talk to a real person (preferably a doctor or nurse practitioner!).
In the meantime, my husband D has been really supportive. I try explaining to him about what I've read, and he encourages me to be more hopeful. He assures me that if we can't have kids, we can still do plenty of things and have full lives (his exact statement was if we can't have kids, we can get a motorcycle trailer. Very supportive!). I'm a little shocked by his attitude, since he's the only one who has ever brought up the subject of kids in the first place, and it was his idea to start trying before we even got engaged. It's heartening to know that he won't be completely disappointed if we end up not being able to procreate.
In the meantime, I'm trying to be as healthy as possible. I ride my bike to work almost every day, I'm trying to take walks on my break and take the stairs instead of the elevator (which is difficult with a messed-up ankle, but I do it when I can), and I'm eating more frutis and vegetables and a lot less junk food. I'm also making mochas at home instead of going to coffee shops, both to be healthier and to save money. (As an aside, where in the world do all of those calories in a frappucino come from if the drink is half ice??? My at-home mochas have about 100 calories for a grande size...)
I knew I needed to do something about my weight when an old ankle injury started flaring up last summer, and the orthopedic surgeon said there wasn't anything he could do, but he suggested I could lose weight to help my ankle pain. When I went in for my annual exam a month later, my NP told me she didn't want me to gain any more weight, the first time she's ever said anything negative about my health. Guess what? I didn't listen. My current BMI is 23.3, down from a high of 24.7 in January, but way above my old (non-teenager) low of 21.1, which is where I'd like to be by the end of the year (it seems easier to talk in terms of BMI instead of weight, even though I know it's not always scientifically meaningful. But I'm a pretty average-boned person, and not a weightlifter or anything, so I think it'll make sense). Assuming I'm able to one day get pregnant, I'd like to start that pregnancy as healthy as I can be.
Here's hoping the HSG is not as painful as I'm expecting it to be.
In the meantime, my husband D has been really supportive. I try explaining to him about what I've read, and he encourages me to be more hopeful. He assures me that if we can't have kids, we can still do plenty of things and have full lives (his exact statement was if we can't have kids, we can get a motorcycle trailer. Very supportive!). I'm a little shocked by his attitude, since he's the only one who has ever brought up the subject of kids in the first place, and it was his idea to start trying before we even got engaged. It's heartening to know that he won't be completely disappointed if we end up not being able to procreate.
In the meantime, I'm trying to be as healthy as possible. I ride my bike to work almost every day, I'm trying to take walks on my break and take the stairs instead of the elevator (which is difficult with a messed-up ankle, but I do it when I can), and I'm eating more frutis and vegetables and a lot less junk food. I'm also making mochas at home instead of going to coffee shops, both to be healthier and to save money. (As an aside, where in the world do all of those calories in a frappucino come from if the drink is half ice??? My at-home mochas have about 100 calories for a grande size...)
I knew I needed to do something about my weight when an old ankle injury started flaring up last summer, and the orthopedic surgeon said there wasn't anything he could do, but he suggested I could lose weight to help my ankle pain. When I went in for my annual exam a month later, my NP told me she didn't want me to gain any more weight, the first time she's ever said anything negative about my health. Guess what? I didn't listen. My current BMI is 23.3, down from a high of 24.7 in January, but way above my old (non-teenager) low of 21.1, which is where I'd like to be by the end of the year (it seems easier to talk in terms of BMI instead of weight, even though I know it's not always scientifically meaningful. But I'm a pretty average-boned person, and not a weightlifter or anything, so I think it'll make sense). Assuming I'm able to one day get pregnant, I'd like to start that pregnancy as healthy as I can be.
Here's hoping the HSG is not as painful as I'm expecting it to be.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Looking back
I recently re-read my posts from 2011 and earlier. I'm a little shocked to realize that I was dealing with very obvious depression, and I didn't recognize it at the time. And it's REALLY obvious.
In case you couldn't tell, that's not the case anymore. A lot of things happened that precipitated the change, but the two big ones were my mother having serious mental issues and taking it out on me, and the suicide of a friend. I quickly realized that my problems were spinning out of control and I got myself to a therapist who helped me work through some (but not all) of what was going on with me. Not long after that, I met my husband and it seemed like things were going to be happily-ever-after.
Fro a long time I really didn't want kids. I enjoyed doing things - rock-climbing, snowboarding, hiking, backpacking, traveling - and it seemed like kids would just get in the way. Then my sister had some kids, and I realized how much I loved them and how much I would enjoy being a mother as well. When I met my husband, he really wanted kids, and I wanted to be able to have those kids.
I haven't even talked to the doctor yet, and even if I'm interpreting the test results correctly (and I'm pretty sure I am), I know it's not a complete no-go, just a smaller chance. Considering I spent my first 33 years sure that I wouldn't have children, and being fine with that, it seems strange to be upset now that I may not be able to have children, but I was beginning to envision that life for myself, and it was starting to seem great.
In case you couldn't tell, that's not the case anymore. A lot of things happened that precipitated the change, but the two big ones were my mother having serious mental issues and taking it out on me, and the suicide of a friend. I quickly realized that my problems were spinning out of control and I got myself to a therapist who helped me work through some (but not all) of what was going on with me. Not long after that, I met my husband and it seemed like things were going to be happily-ever-after.
Fro a long time I really didn't want kids. I enjoyed doing things - rock-climbing, snowboarding, hiking, backpacking, traveling - and it seemed like kids would just get in the way. Then my sister had some kids, and I realized how much I loved them and how much I would enjoy being a mother as well. When I met my husband, he really wanted kids, and I wanted to be able to have those kids.
I haven't even talked to the doctor yet, and even if I'm interpreting the test results correctly (and I'm pretty sure I am), I know it's not a complete no-go, just a smaller chance. Considering I spent my first 33 years sure that I wouldn't have children, and being fine with that, it seems strange to be upset now that I may not be able to have children, but I was beginning to envision that life for myself, and it was starting to seem great.
Monday, August 4, 2014
It's been a long, long time
More than three and a half years. A lot can happen in that span of time. In late October of 2012 I met an amazing guy (in the interest of privacy, I shall call him D). We went on our first date in late November 2012, and in December of 2013 he proposed. We were married in June and have been incredibly happy.
Back in November, we started trying to have a baby. I was (and still am, for at least a little while longer) 35 years old, and we didn't want to wait too long considering the limitations of age. Fast forward to now, and we're newlyweds who haven't succeeded at all in the procreation department.
Last week we began the testing process to figure out our next steps, and things aren't looking great. I never thought I would care about not having children, but now that I probably can't have them, I have to say I'm a little upset.
Actually, I think that's all I can write at the moment. I'm more upset than I realized.
Back in November, we started trying to have a baby. I was (and still am, for at least a little while longer) 35 years old, and we didn't want to wait too long considering the limitations of age. Fast forward to now, and we're newlyweds who haven't succeeded at all in the procreation department.
Last week we began the testing process to figure out our next steps, and things aren't looking great. I never thought I would care about not having children, but now that I probably can't have them, I have to say I'm a little upset.
Actually, I think that's all I can write at the moment. I'm more upset than I realized.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
It's official
There are no single men left in my age group. I was busy going to graduate school, getting my professional license, and starting a career while everyone else was pairing off. Now I've lost my career, I'm drowning in debt from school, and I'm all alone without a hope in the world of finding an appropriate partner. I went on two dates last year. TWO. Which was actually better than the year before, and the year before that. And in the last ten years, I've had three relationships. The longest was four months. It was with a guy who was wrong for me in every possible way, but I was so scared of ending up alone, I didn't care. And now that I've decided to only date guys who are right for me, it turns out that they're all gone.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. But I also don't want to spend it hoping that I might meet someone someday and being constantly let down. It's very depressing.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. But I also don't want to spend it hoping that I might meet someone someday and being constantly let down. It's very depressing.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Mondays. Sigh.
The most important thing I learned at work today is that I'm not just another cog in the machine, I'm the least important cog in the machine. I don't matter at all.
Hopefully I'll feel better after running this afternoon. I remembered my MP3 player today (yay!) so I'll have something to occupy myself with while I run.
This new year of being a perfect person isn't going so well. The house is much messier than I would like, although the bills are getting paid and I'm doing a good job sticking to my eating plan. I haven't weighed myself since Thursday, when I'd lost a half pound after a week of dieting. I'm supposed to have lost at least one pound by today. I hope that's the case.
Hopefully I'll feel better after running this afternoon. I remembered my MP3 player today (yay!) so I'll have something to occupy myself with while I run.
This new year of being a perfect person isn't going so well. The house is much messier than I would like, although the bills are getting paid and I'm doing a good job sticking to my eating plan. I haven't weighed myself since Thursday, when I'd lost a half pound after a week of dieting. I'm supposed to have lost at least one pound by today. I hope that's the case.
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